(Being close to a bad part of town, we’d often get unruly kids with nothing better to do than to hang out in our store. It is usually the same group of kids, and they always happen to break something during every visit. After breaking a football game display (by cleverly playing football with it), we issue a permanent ban. The following takes place within a year. The next day…)

10-year-old Gang Leader: “Why won’t you let us in?”

Manager: “You keep breaking our stuff.”

10-year-old Gang Leader: “F*** you! I’ll break what I want!”

Manager: “And that’s why we banned you. Leave. Now.”

(A week later…)

10-year-old Gang Leader: “Let us in! We’ll be good!”

Manager: “Not happening.”

10-year-old Gang Leader: “Fine, this place sucks! We’ll go to the other store, then you’ll be happy!”

Manager: “Will you buy something from there?”

10-year-old Gang Leader: “No.”

Manager: “Then I don’t care where you go.”

(A month later…)

10-year-old Gang Leader: “Hey man, it’s been a month. We’ve learned our lesson. Let us in or we’ll tell our parents!”

Manager: “We have enough video surveillance saved of you guys to press charges. You really want to let your parents know about this?”

(They leave silently. A few months later…)

10-year-old Gang Leader: “Hey, I’m not sure if you heard, but the manager unbanned us!”

Me: *calling their bluff* “He’s in the back, let me check.”

(He actually had the day off. The gang runs away. Finally, a year goes by, and we haven’t seen or heard from the kids at all. When they show up, my manager is about to kick them out, when I interject.)

Me: “Listen, I think these kids got the message that we’re serious. They haven’t bothered asking to be let in for a whole year, and here they are, politely asking to be let back in. Let’s give them a second chance!”

Manager: “Fine, but they’re your responsibility.”

Me: *to the kids* “Alright guys, it’s been a whole year, and I’d like to think you learned your lesson. I convinced the manager to let you in, but do anything bad again, and it’s back to being banned. Deal?”

10-year-old Gang Leader: “Deal.” *he then drops his pants and flashes a group of adults*

Me: “BANNED FOREVER, AGAIN!”

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(I work in a large discount home-ware warehouse store. It’s just after ten am. The store opened at nine; I started at ten. A customer has come to me.)

Customer: “There’s been an accident in the china section.”

Me: “Oh, no. Could you show me where?”

(He takes me to a section where shelves had collapsed, spilling china all over the concrete floor. Shards are everywhere.)

Me: “Oh, was anyone hurt?”

Customer: “No, I just found it like that. I came around the corner and almost trod on the broken plates.”

Me: “It’s funny that I didn’t hear it. That sort of crash would have been heard all over the store.”

(I block off the area and go to find the manager and to bring back cleaning equipment.)

Me: *to coworkers* “Have you seen [Store Manager]? There’s been a big shelf collapse in the china department.”

Coworker #1: “He’s not in yet. Strange that we didn’t hear anything.”

Me: “Yeah, may have happened overnight.”

Department Manager: “Oh, was that what we heard this morning?”

Me: “You heard it? When?”

Department Manager: “About 8.30.”

Me:  “And you didn’t go to check?”

Department Manager: “No, not my job. [Coworker] could do it”

(That coworker had the day off. It’s lucky that no one was in the area at the time, because they wouldn’t have been found until after I got in, and lucky that no customers walked on it!)

Me: “Hello, can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “I’m looking for this movie. It was a funny movie and it is fairly new.”

Me: “Okay, can you tell me who is in it?”

Customer: “That fat guy from Superbad?”

Me: “Is it this movie?” *I pick up ‘Get him to the Greek’*

Customer: “Yeah! Thanks! Have a piece of candy.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I put the candy in my pocket, and walk to the counter to ring him up.)

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Customer: “You have a nice smile. You know what you win?”

Me: “No. What do I win?”

Customer: “A better piece of candy!”

(He hands me another piece of candy and walks out swinging his bag.)

Manager: *to me* “Don’t eat that candy. It’s stranger candy.”

Customer: “I’d like to order two large chocolate thickshakes, but I don’t want them to be too thick.”

Me: “Well, would you like milkshakes then?”

Customer: “No, I want thickshakes. Just don’t make them too thick.”

Me: “Well, milkshakes are less thick versions of–”

Customer: *explodes* “NO! I WANT THICKSHAKES!”

(At the nursing home where I work, we can sell lunches to visitors, but can’t sell them after 11:00. It’s a bummer, but usually people are understanding.)

Customer: “I need to buy a lunch.”

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir, but we can’t sell lunches after 11:00.”

Customer: “Why not? ”

Me: “Well, it’s so that the kitchen knows how many trays to have ready by lunchtime. They start on dinner almost as soon as lunch is served.”

Customer: “Well, I’m hungry.”

Me: “I really am sorry. I wish I could help, but lunch was served two hours ago. We do have a vending machine, and there are a couple of fast food places nearby.”

Customer: “Are you stupid?”

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “I will sue you guys!”

Me: “I really am sorry.”

Customer: “I will sue you! Your lunch policy is ridiculous! This is what happens when little girls like you work in men’s jobs!”

Me: “A man’s job?”

Customer: “Yes! Since you obviously can’t do it since you’re a fifteen-year-old girl.”

Me: “I’m twenty-one, sir.”

Customer: “Then why aren’t you married?”

Me: “…because my boyfriend hasn’t asked me yet?”

Customer: “You should get married, get out of here, and let a man do your job.”

Me: “…my job as a receptionist?”

Customer: “He’d do it right! I am going to the biggest man here and complaining about your policies!”

Me: “The biggest man here is a woman, sir.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Everyone in our business office is female, and so is our administrator.”

Customer: “This place is doomed!”

(Half an hour later, I ended up buying him a turkey sandwich from a nearby deli when I went out to get my own lunch. Not surprisingly, he didn’t thank me. However, this cloud has a silver lining: I also met his wife, who smacked him upside the head and called him a jacka**.)

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