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Beyond Even The Power Of Pixel Dust, Part 2

, , , | Right | April 15, 2011

(An elderly lady comes in with a very blurry and old photo she wants made bigger.)

Customer: “This is a photo of my son. He was in a band in the eighties! I want it made bigger!”

Me: “Madam, this photo is very damaged, blurry, and old. It’s probably better that you get it just the standard size so you won’t notice the loss of quality so much.”

Customer: “What do you mean, it’s no good? This photo is a good photo! I want it about A4 size!”

Me: “Okay. Do you happen to have the negative?”

Customer: “No, it never had a negative. It was taken with a digital camera!”

Me: “It must have a negative. They didn’t have digital cameras in the eighties.”

Customer: “Yes, they did! It was digitised!”

Me: “Okay, madam. I will just use this photo and make it bigger for you. It’ll take me about an hour to get it done. But I am just letting you know that the quality will be very bad.”

Customer: “It will look good, don’t you worry. That’s my son! He always looks good!”

This story is part of the Embarrassing Parents roundup!

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A Capital Mistake

| Working | May 23, 2013

(I’m visiting my family in Ohio. I have lived in Washington, DC for years, so I therefore have a DC driver’s license. Note: I am WELL over 21.)

Cashier: “I need to see your ID for this beer.”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

(I hand the cashier my DC driver’s license.)

Cashier: “This is fake. No one lives in Washington, DC. It’s all government buildings and monuments.”

Me: “I assure you, over 600,000 people live in Washington, DC, and that license is real.”

Cashier: “Yeah, you think you’re smart, but I know no one lives in Washington, DC. I’ve been there several times. You need to leave.”

Me: “Seriously? If I were going to get a fake ID, why would I get one that says I’m in my mid-30’s? I know I look kind of young, but could someone under 21 even come close to passing for my age?”

Cashier: “Get out or I’ll call the police.”

Me: “Okay… I still assure you that lots of people live in DC, but I have my passport here.

(Unfortunately, this is my “official” government employee passport, and looks slightly different than regular passports.)

Cashier: “Now you’re just being stupid. This isn’t a real passport.”

Me: “You think I faked a PASSPORT, as well as all the visas and entry stamps in it?  I know it looks a little different, but flip through; it’s well-used.”

(The cashier flips through passport and sighs.)

Cashier: “I’m just going to keep this and your other fake and let you go. I should call the police, but I don’t want the hassle. Now get out.”

Me: “Alright, no. I don’t even want the beer at this point, but both of those ARE MY REAL IDs!  My boss would KILL me if I had to get a new passport because of an ignorant cashier. I need those back. I have a whole wallet full of credit cards with the name on those IDs on them.”

(I attempt to show her my credit cards, but she’s not responding.)

Cashier: “No way, this is for your own good. You’re going to get arrested using these.  You’re better off if I shred them for you.”

Me: “Please give them back. I have to fly home in two days and I need ID to get on the plane. Keep the license if you want; at least that’s easier to replace than the passport!”

Cashier: “No, get out. You’ll thank me when you grow up.”

Me: “Give them back or I will call the police!”

Cashier: “Go ahead, you’ll just get arrested. I’m keeping these and shredding them. You’ll thank me when you grow up and realize how bad your childish ways are.”

(I proceed to dial 911 RIGHT IN FRONT OF the cashier, who just watches me smugly and says, “You’ll be sorry!” as I explain to the 911 operator what is going on. The police eventually show up.)

Police Officer: *to the cashier* “Let me see the IDs, ma’am.”

Cashier: “See, officer? They’re fake. No one lives in Washington, and that passport is all wrong. I told her she’d get arrested but she just wouldn’t listen.”

Police Officer: “As far as I can tell, this driver’s license is real. It has holograms and other security features, and only an idiot would get a fake that says they’re this old…” *looks at me* “…and it looks like her. I’ll admit that I’ve never seen a Washington driver’s license before, but nothing seems wrong with this one.”

(The police officer hands my driver’s license back to me.)

Cashier: “BUT NO ONE LIVES IN WASHINGTON, DC!  It’s just government buildings and monuments!”

Police Officer: “Uh, yes, people do live in Washington. Where do you think all the people who work in those buildings in Washington live?”


Police Officer: “We’ll agree to disagree.”

(The police officer looks at the passport, and turns to me.)

Police Officer: “I’ve never seen a passport like this before.”

Me: “Yes, I understand that you probably don’t run across a lot of these here, but it has all the security features, many visas and entry stamps in it, and there’s an explanation that it’s a passport for government employees in the back. May I show you?”

(He hands me the passport and I show him the message, visas, and entry stamps).

Police Officer: “Well, this has to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever been called for. A third-grader could figure out that these are real. Here’s your passport, ma’am. Sorry for the inconvenience. The grocery store up the street is still open. You’ll probably find a more intelligent staff member there to sell you your beer.Your job seems cool, by the way! I’d love to travel like that!”

(I went to the grocery store and bought my beer with my license without comment or hassle. And, yes, my job is cool. :) )

True Friends Are Nothing To Fear

| Friendly | January 29, 2014

(My husband has had the same two best friends since he was ten years old, but they live far away, so we haven’t all gotten to know each other very well yet. Also, I have a terribly embarrassing but legitimately crippling fear of puppets. My husband and I are hanging out with his old friends. As a TV show ends, a well-known comedian who uses dummies in his act comes on screen. I immediately start to run out of the room into the backyard.)

Me: “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!”

(I reach the backyard and start to calm down, immediately mortified that I had a freak out in front of his friends, not to mention revealed my deepest yet most ridiculous fear. After a few minutes, my husband pokes his head out the back door.)

Husband: “Honey, come back in. The puppets are gone now.”

Me: “I can’t. Too embarrassed.”

Husband: “Honey, please come back inside.”

(I shuffle inside with my head hung low, only to get a hug and a pat on the back from my husband’s two friends.)

Friend #1: “Birds freak me the h*** out. I have nightmares about them.”

Friend #2: “I’m terrified of running water.”

Me: “You won’t tease me? Or tell anyone?”

Friend #1: “Kiddo, we love you. You’re practically family. You’re always safe here.”

Friend #2: “Man, f*** those puppets.”

(On the car ride home, I told my husband I’d marry him all over again for his friends alone!)

Dread Every Period With This Teacher

| Learning | February 7, 2014

(I have a math teacher who is also a Sunday school teacher at my family’s church. She is that sort who is prim and always makes us speak to her before being allowed to the restroom. This happens as I was on my monthly.)

Me: “I’d like the pass to use the ladies’ room, please.”

Teacher: “You need to finish your work. Sit down and you can go when the bell rings.”

Me: “No, I really need to go now. I can’t wait.”

Teacher: “Fine!” *hands me the pass* “But be quick.”

(I pick up my purse, but she stops me and says very loud:)

Teacher: “You don’t need your purse to head to the bathroom! Sit down and stop trying to get out of class early.”

Me: “I didn’t mean to make you think I was getting out of class early.” *embarrassed now, I pull the necessary items out of my purse* “May I go now?”

Teacher: *giving me a disgusted look and still being loud* “You should have told me you were on your period. Go and hurry up!”

(That weekend, she talks to my class about the sins of Eve and keeps giving me nasty looks as she talks about how Eve is forced to bleed and deal with childbirth. I’m furious about it, so when Monday rolls around, I approach her desk.)

Me: *being loud* “I need to go to the restroom to deal with Eve’s horrific sin. God have mercy on my soul for suffering through her misgivings as a woman!”

Teacher: *turns red and hands me the pass* “You don’t have to tell me all of that! Just to go to the restroom!”

(She didn’t bother me about the pass anymore after that, but my family soon stopped going to that church and eventually moved me to another school.)

Take Note And Buy A Pen

| Right | February 6, 2014

(I answer the phone.)

Me: “[Store]. Hello?”

Customer: “Hi.I need the number for [Company] support.”

Me: “Okay, do you have a pen ready?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, here’s the number. [Number].”

Customer: “Could you repeat that?”

Me: “Sure.” *repeats number*

Customer: “D***. One more time, please?”

Me: *repeats number*

Customer: “D*** it!”

Me: “Can you not hear me or something?”

Customer: “I can hear you. I just don’t have a pen and paper. I was trying to memorize the number.”