All of our stories, starting with the newest!
(I am about seven years old. My grandparents are visiting. I am quite a tattle tale at the time. My grandparents were very strict with their children and are very prim and proper. I run into the living room.)
Me: “[Brother] farted.”
Mom: “What have we talked about you tattling all the time?”
Grandma: “I would be more concerned that she said the ‘F’ word; ladies do not use such language.”
Me: “I didn’t say ‘f***,’ I said ‘farted.'”
(My family and I are playing ‘Cranium’ using random ‘Littlest Pet Shop’ toys my niece has instead of the regular game pieces. My brother and I are on a team and we’re using a turtle as our game piece. Our young niece is ahead of us, but we are gaining.)
Me: “Aha! [Brother] and I are right behind you, [Niece]!”
Niece: “GET YOUR TURTLE OUT OF OUR BUTTCRACK!”
(I am eight years older than my sister and six years older than my brother, so growing up I helped take care of both of them. My sister is now 24 and loves to tell my husband how I would tell them outlandish stories as kids.)
Sister: “I can’t wait until you have kids so I can pay you back for how [My Name] used to lie to us!”
Husband: “Oh?”
Me: “Like what?”
Sister: “Like the time you told me snakes don’t poop! So they eventually explode!”
Husband: *laughing* “What?!”
Me: “Oh, yeah. I would tell you that if you listened, you would be able to hear snakes popping in the field behind the house. ‘Shh! There goes one now!'”
Sister: *trying not to laugh* “Or how you told me that the tar patches on the road were little kids who got run over! And that if I got run over, you wouldn’t scrape me up!”
(My husband looks at me, laughing but with a brow raised.)
Me: “Hey, it got you to hold my hand when we crossed the street, didn’t it?”
This story is part of our Snakes roundup!
(I’ve bought my daughter a gift online. As it gets closer and closer to her birthday I get more and more impatient that it hasn’t turned up. The estimated delivery date has long passed, the company has told me that it has shipped, but still no parcel. One day a slip comes through the door; I’ve missed a delivery! I drive clear across town and get to the depot just before closing.)
Checking Clerk: “ID, please.”
(I hand over my license.)
Checking Clerk: “Hmm, what were you expecting?”
Me: “A parcel… A gift, actually.”
Checking Clerk: “Hmm. I think you might be out of luck.”
(She disappears into another room, and I wonder what she meant, fearing briefly that they had somehow lost my parcel.)
Checking Clerk: “Here you are. Sorry.”
(She hands me a tube. I stand there for a moment. It wasn’t what I was expecting.)
Checking Clerk: *sympathetically* “We’ve had loads of them; there’s a pile of them in the next room.”
(I left and tore off the tape. Sitting inside was a leaflet: a small leaflet put inside a much larger box. Apparently my Internet service provider thought it would be a great advertising campaign to send out a load of leaflets that don’t fit through a letter box. Needless to say I had a few strongly worded sentiments and had myself removed from their advertising system.)
(We just hired a new bagger at our store. After a few shifts one of the cashiers decides to prank him.)
Coworker: “Hey, [New Hire], will you go shake the vinaigrette dressings in the condiment aisle? Customers are more likely to buy them if they’re mixed up.”
(The new hire is gone for 45 minutes and freaks because he can’t keep the vinaigrette dressings to stay mixed on the shelves. The manager overhears what happened.)
Manager: “[Coworker], normally I would write you up for doing something like that to a new hire, but that was too funny. I won’t write you up if you don’t do it again.”
