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Not Just Staying Quiet Because It’s A Library

, , , , , , | Working | March 8, 2024

Two decades ago, the college library where I worked was planning to buy compact shelving. These are bookcases on tracks that can be shifted back and forth, allowing you to fit about forty percent more books. You can buy manual stacks (moved with a hand wheel) or automated ones (moved by machinery).

A colleague of mine called a librarian at another school for advice. She said the conversation went something like this.

Colleague: “I understand that you have both manual and automated shelves.”

Librarian: “Yes. We recommend the manual ones.”

Colleague: “Have you had trouble with the automated shelves?”

Librarian: “We recommend the manual ones.”

Colleague: “Did you have a problem with the automated ones? Did someone get hurt?”

Librarian: *Pause* “We recommend the manual ones.”

Colleague: “Is there something you aren’t legally allowed to tell me?”

Librarian: *Pause* “We recommend the manual ones.”

Colleague: “Thank you.”

We bought the manual shelves.

A Library’s Resources Are Killer

, , , , , , | Right | June 22, 2023

I was a librarian in the pre-Google days.

Customer: “Do you have books on serial killers?”

Me: “We might? What’s the context?”

Customer: “I’m just writing some silly little article, and I need to know who the worst serial killer in the world was.”

Me: *Chuckles* “Hmm, when you say ‘worst serial killer in the world’, I don’t know if that means they were really good at it or really bad at it.”

Customer: *Also chuckles* “That’s a good point!”

Working In A Library Is A Constant Acid Test

, , , , , , | Right | March 30, 2023

I am a librarian in a large public library in a town with a lot of problems. Public services are difficult to access, there is a lot of poverty, and there are issues with drug problems and crime.

We get our fair share of enraged, violent, or just bizarre people in our library, but we also get a lot of people who want us to give them services we can’t provide, such as legal advice.

Part of my training when I took the job was on what we are and aren’t legally able to do in these situations. I got pretty good at handling this and at defusing the tempers of the people involved.

I am tending the reference desk by myself one afternoon, not long after the schools have finished for the day, when an already-angry woman comes in, dragging her seven- or eight-year-old daughter by the arm. She pulls the kid over to my desk, pushes her into the chair, points at her, and says:

Woman: “Acid reflux! Now!”

Then, she folds her arms and stares at me. Unfortunately, I am accustomed to being asked for information in such a manner, so I turn to my computer to start looking it up in the catalogue.

Me: “We have books on acid reflux specifically or broader books with sections on—”

Woman: “I don’t want a book! I want you to tell me when it stops!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Woman: “My daughter has acid reflux, and I want you to tell me when it’ll stop! Hurry up, we need to get the bus!”

Me: “Well, you’d need to see a doctor for that. They could refer you to a specialist if—”

Woman: “I already went to the doctor, you idiot!”

Me: “…”

Woman: “That’s how I know what’s wrong with her. But the bloody doctor said he didn’t know how long it’d take to go away, so you’re going to look it up on the Internet! Now!”

While she’s been speaking, I’ve already looked up “acid reflux” on the web, as I didn’t know what exactly it was. Straight away, I get a National Health Service page that I quickly see says that it’s difficult to predict how long the symptoms are going to last.

Me: “I don’t have the medical training to tell you anything more about your daughter’s condition than your doctor can, but I’m looking at the NHS website and—”

Woman: “Her name’s [Daughter]. What does it say about her?”

Me: “It doesn’t say anything about her. It’s not a list of patient information; it’s just a site of advice about the condition.”

Woman: “The Internet tells you everything! You’re as stupid as that f****** doctor! Tell me what the Internet says about my daughter! It must know!”

By this point, she is fully screaming at me, spittle flying, and bright red in the face, and our one security guard is heading towards my desk.

Me: *Trying to placate her* “Ma’am, did your doctor give you any advice?”

Woman: “He told me her home life was too f****** stressful! What could stress her? She’s f****** seven!”

I immediately looked at the girl, and she was huddled up in the chair looking utterly miserable. I felt so sorry for her. Before I could say anything else, my manager and the security guard made up their minds about what to do and escorted the woman out of the library, the daughter trailing along behind them.

Not a very satisfying story in itself, but about a week later, a couple of police officers came to meet with my manager, accompanied by a woman I recognised as a social worker. They were given some of our CCTV footage, asked me a couple of questions about the woman, and left, so hopefully, things got better for the daughter.

Write This Note (Somewhere Else): Be Kind To Library Books!

, , , , | Right | September 7, 2022

I work in a library.

Patron: “I’ve been a patron of yours for a long time, and I love taking notes in the margins of books I particularly enjoy. The only problem is that, with the latest one, I’ve taken a few too many, and I really don’t want to have to erase them. Is there anything you can do about that?”

Me: *Pretty perplexed* “Umm, you really shouldn’t write anything in any of our books, please.”

Patron: “I know! It’s just pencil marks. I usually erase all of them before I return the book, but it’s just so many this time.”

Me: “No, you shouldn’t do it at all. It damages the paper!”

Patron: *Laughs* “Well, I learned something, then. So, what can you do about that?”

Me: “I’m gonna have to ask you to replace that book.”

Patron: “I can just give you any of my own books, right?”

Me: “No, it has to be the same title. You buy it new and bring it here. It also takes time and effort to get it ready to check out with our system, so I’m asking you again to please not damage any books you borrow from us.”

Patron: “All right, all right. There’s a library discount, though, right?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Patron: “If I buy a book for the library, the bookstore has to give me a discount.”

Me: “There is a discount, but it applies only to books the library purchases directly. If you damage one, you’ll need to pay the regular price.”

Patron: “What a bother!” 

You’re telling me, ma’am!

Welcome To The Scenic Fire Swamp Library

, , , , , , | Working | March 4, 2022

For close to a year, thanks to extremely wet weather and other mad conditions, our tiny library, like most other homes and businesses on the block, was suffering from a rat infestation that would have tested the Pied Piper. As a former country girl, I was used to dealing with mice and even the occasional squirrel, but now I was in the big city and had no idea just how big — or smart — rats could be.

Our custodial department was dealing with the infestation, but it took a long time; as fast as they could get rid of one nest, a new collection of long-tailed travelers would come through and take over again. Also, the people who manage our money for such things are cheaper than Scrooge and insisted the custodians and librarians deal with the issue instead of getting in professional exterminators.

One of my coworkers, a very tall, muscular young man, came running upstairs with eyes as wide as pie pans.

Coworker: “There’s a little rat in the kitchen.”

Me: “What’s it doing?”

Coworker: “It’s stuck to the trap custodial put down. We have to call them to come and kill it for us.”

Me: “Okay.”

I went to my supervisor to report this and he confirmed that I needed to call custodial.

Custodial: “Oh, no. [Custodial Employee] deals with that. There’s no way I am coming anywhere near a rat. Not my job. Nope.”

[Coworker] and I discussed this and we agreed that, while we didn’t like the rats, we didn’t like thinking of a fellow creature suffering. Finally, I decided to do what I had seen my dad do with mice.

Me: “You’re sure it’s a tiny one?”

Coworker: “Oh, it’s a baby. You can get it without trouble.”

So, tapping my inner Indiana Jones, I grabbed a plastic bag and a copy of the Physician’s Desk Reference with the plan that I would simply scoop the glued-down rat into the bag and clock it over the head with the book. I know just how awful that sounds, but the things were using our reading room as their personal bathroom and we couldn’t have children’s programs as the darn things were actually coming out of the walls to join in on “The Wheels on the Bus.” It had to go.

[Coworker] and another coworker (because she had never seen a rat before) decided to accompany me.

We got down to our tiny kitchen and opened the door. An ROUS (Rodent Of Unusual Size) was standing bolt upright on the countertop, one leg glued to the paper, the rest of him more than a little free. When we walked in, he did the whole zombie hand thing while shuffling across the counter, growling and hissing. If we’d had a saddle, we could have sold rides on his back.

I am ashamed to say that I screamed, dropped the book, and dove for cover, followed by my two colleagues.  

The door slammed shut behind us, and when we went back, the rat had chewed itself free and disappeared down the holes for pipes. My second coworker turned to [Coworker] and shrieked:

Coworker #2: “If you claim that was a baby, I would hate to see a full-grown one!”

No idea about the size of this next rat, but I do know he was one of the Rats of NIMH.

Every day, we had to stop people from eating in the different rooms, but patrons have a way of sneaking food in without us seeing it. Teens, in particular, are amazingly resourceful.

Custodial was trying a new tack of setting up giant snap traps with peanut butter for lures. They came back the next day to find every trap snapped and the globs of peanut butter eaten. They couldn’t figure it out until they came to the last trap: beside it was a very sturdy chicken bone.

As near as they could figure, the rat in question had gone into the garbage upstairs where someone had disposed of a box of chicken in a wastebasket. It was clear from the scene that the rat had literally gone through the bones until it found a sturdy one and then gone round to snap all the traps shut.  

This third incident is the only time anyone had any use for the infestation.

The librarian was in a hushed argument with a rude patron who was on his cell phone, spouting all his personal business for the world to enjoy. He refused to take the call outside and kept putting his hand in the librarian’s face to stop her from talking to him.

Suddenly, as he was mouthing off at her, he fell silent, his eyes grew big, and he started to watch something walking (more likely scampering) behind her.

Librarian: “Is there a rat behind me?”

The patron nodded in horror.

Librarian: “Is it big?”

The patron nodded again.

Librarian: “Headed for the circulation desk? Yeah, there’s more where that came from. We’ve been warning everyone.”

Patron: *Into the phone* “Uh, I am going to call you back. I gotta leave. They got rats bigger than your Maltese here.”

And he was gone and never returned.

At long last, The Powers That Be finally caved and hired exterminators. By then, we had wasted over six months trying the Do-It-Yourself Approach. It was another six months before the exterminators finally followed all the signs and discovered a nest within the walls of the boiler room and finally got rid of them.

To this day, we have to fight to keep people from tossing food behind bookshelves or hiding trash. Why would you do that, especially when the wastebasket is right next to you?