(My 12-year-old son has a cell phone so he can reach us in case of emergency. One day, his phone rings with a number he doesn’t recognize.)

Son “Hello?” *pauses a moment and hands me the phone* “Someone from Credit Card Services?” *whispers* “I think it’s a scammer!”

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Yes, this is Courtney from Credit Card services and I’d like to offer you a chance to lower your bills!”

Me: “Why are you calling my 12-year-old’s phone?”

Scammer: “I am from Credit Card Services and I am offering you a chance to lower your bills.”

Me: “But why are you calling a 12-year-old? He doesn’t have a credit card.”

Scammer: “But this is a chance to lower your interest rates to lower your bills!”

Me: “But you called a TWELVE YEAR OLD. He DOES NOT have a credit card.”

Scammer: “But you can lower—”

Me: “NO! You have NO REASON to call a 12-year-old CHILD about this, as HE DOES NOT HAVE A CREDIT CARD. Do you understand? Now take me o—”

Scammer: *click*

(Just because we thought it was funny, Coworker #1 and I would call each other silly nicknames when we passed each other in the main aisle, using a tone of mock flirtation. He’d use something common, and then I’d make an exaggerated response.)

Coworker #1: *to me* “Hey, Muffin.”

Me: “Hi, Cinnamon-Raisin Bagel with Cream Cheese.”

(Later that same day.)

Coworker #1: “Lookin’ good, Pumpkin.”

Me: “Well, hello, Butternut Squash.”

(Suddenly, Coworker #2 leans out of a nearby aisle, looking slightly annoyed.)

Coworker #2: “Would you two fruits knock it off?”

Coworker #1: “Wait, is a pumpkin a fruit?”

Coworker #2: “Actually, I think it’s a legume.”

Coworker #1: “I thought those were beans.”

Me: “[Coworker #2] thinks I’m a legume!”

(I work for a pizza place where most of the staff members were high school students, myself included. I like my coworkers, and we get along well, but some of them have more than their fair share of clueless moments. One Friday evening, Coworker #1 suddenly gets a thoughtful look on her face and looks up from the breadsticks she’s making…)

Coworker #1: “Hey, what day is it today?”

Coworker #2: “It’s Friday.”

Coworker #1: “It is?”

Coworker #2: “Yep. All day long!”

Coworker #1: *laughs*

Me: “Except for those two hours this afternoon when it turned into Wednesday. THAT was weird.”

Coworker #2: *laughs*

Coworker #1: *laughs* “Wait… It was Wednesday today?”

(I come in to work a little early so I head into a back office to check my email before helping customers. Through the door I can hear my coworker explaining to a customer why their cable box is malfunctioning: )

Coworker: “Oh I see. Looks like you had a short 6′ cable. You really need a long 6′ cable.”

Me: *facepalm*

(I didn’t hear why that customer came in, but I’m pretty confident they called into tech support by the end of the day.)

(During puberty I had terrible issues with my throat, which some doctors attribute to issues I had as a child that led to my tonsils needing removed. I had infections pretty much every other week, but most weren’t too bad and could easily be remedied with few painkillers. There was only one time where I had completely lost my voice over the course of the day, and needed my mum to phone in sick at work for me.)

Mum: “Hi, this is [My Name]’s mother. I’m just calling to let you know that he can’t come in today as he has a sore throat and lost his voice. We’re going to the doctor later this afternoon.”

Manager: “We really need [My Name] to phone in and tell us.”

Mum: “But he’s lost his voice. How is he meant to tell you?”

Manager: “We can’t accept a sick notice unless he notifies us personally.”

Mum: “HE CAN’T SPEAK, as in there is literally nothing coming out of this mouth! [My Name], you try…”

(I grab the phone, but only a hoarse rasp escapes…)

Manager: “[My Name], if you can’t confirm that you’re sick—”

Mum: “Is she f****** stupid?” *shouts* “HE CAN’T F****** SPEAK!”

Manager: “We’ll see about it when you’re next in…”

(Before my next shift I had a disciplinary hearing. The manager whom my mum spoke to went on a tirade about how it was the worst faking of illness she’d ever heard. I showed her my doctor’s note which said I was suffering from bronchitis, laryngitis, and oral thrush. That shut the b**** up faster than my diseased throat ever could!)