(My coworker at a video rental store is half African-American but often mistaken for being Filipino, which he expresses comical exasperation about each time it happens — it becomes a bit of a joke. One night, he gets into an altercation with a customer over renting a video game. The conversation has built up to a boiling point.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, but I cannot let you rent a video game unless you have a valid credit card on file.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! Do you not understand how currency works? I want to pay cash!”

Coworker: “I understand that, sir, but the system won’t let me process this transaction unless I can scan your card.”

(The customer is holding a placement box that doesn’t contain the actual game disc. He abruptly storms off with it in hand, but he pauses at the door and slams the box on the counter.)

Customer: “Here’s your empty box back, you [very offensive term for an African-American]!”

Coworker: *turns to me with an amazed expression* “He actually knew I’m Black!”

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(There’s an IT guy at our work who is very friendly, but also tends to be very sarcastic. Being kind of a nerd, he just has a problem with people who don’t understand computers.)

IT Guy: “Boy, you must be glad that breathing is a reflex. If you’d have to think about it, you’d suffocated a long time ago.”

IT Guy: “I guess you do have a purpose in God’s plans. It’s just a pity God doesn’t exist.”

IT Guy: *whistling just one monotonous tone* “In films that’s the tone you hear when someone’s brain-dead. Just asking me that question about computers makes me believe this applies to you.”

IT Guy: “I hear they found a cure for Ebola. Then why is it they haven’t found a cure for you?”

IT Guy: “I guess our company uses a zero-intelligence policy when they are hiring people.”

IT Guy: “ICT stands for Internal Communication Trouble.”

IT Guy: “Well, you could reinstall your system, perform a complete virus-scan or do a system-restore, but you could also consider to put the plug in the outlet.”

IT Guy: “Yep. That’s me. Sarcasm, irony, or just plain cynicism.”

IT Guy: “You might hate me. I don’t care. I can make all your documents disappear.”

(When I moved to a new neighborhood, I took a trip to the local market. At the time, I didn’t know that they kept fancier cheeses separate from the more ordinary or bulk bag cheeses. I grab the nearby stocker.)

Me: “Excuse me, I can’t find any gouda. Do you have gouda?”

Employee: “Let me look.” *he scans everything just like I did* “I don’t think so. We have cheddar.”

Me: *said with a smile* “Well, that’s not gouda.”

Employee: *frowns, pauses and points* “We have cheddar.”

Me: “Never mind.”

(My 12-year-old son has a cell phone so he can reach us in case of emergency. One day, his phone rings with a number he doesn’t recognize.)

Son “Hello?” *pauses a moment and hands me the phone* “Someone from Credit Card Services?” *whispers* “I think it’s a scammer!”

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Yes, this is Courtney from Credit Card services and I’d like to offer you a chance to lower your bills!”

Me: “Why are you calling my 12-year-old’s phone?”

Scammer: “I am from Credit Card Services and I am offering you a chance to lower your bills.”

Me: “But why are you calling a 12-year-old? He doesn’t have a credit card.”

Scammer: “But this is a chance to lower your interest rates to lower your bills!”

Me: “But you called a TWELVE YEAR OLD. He DOES NOT have a credit card.”

Scammer: “But you can lower—”

Me: “NO! You have NO REASON to call a 12-year-old CHILD about this, as HE DOES NOT HAVE A CREDIT CARD. Do you understand? Now take me o—”

Scammer: *click*

(Just because we thought it was funny, Coworker #1 and I would call each other silly nicknames when we passed each other in the main aisle, using a tone of mock flirtation. He’d use something common, and then I’d make an exaggerated response.)

Coworker #1: *to me* “Hey, Muffin.”

Me: “Hi, Cinnamon-Raisin Bagel with Cream Cheese.”

(Later that same day.)

Coworker #1: “Lookin’ good, Pumpkin.”

Me: “Well, hello, Butternut Squash.”

(Suddenly, Coworker #2 leans out of a nearby aisle, looking slightly annoyed.)

Coworker #2: “Would you two fruits knock it off?”

Coworker #1: “Wait, is a pumpkin a fruit?”

Coworker #2: “Actually, I think it’s a legume.”

Coworker #1: “I thought those were beans.”

Me: “[Coworker #2] thinks I’m a legume!”