(I’m in my high school’s musical. Two of our scenes, set in 1899, take place in a rather risqué theater, and the first scene there has the period equivalent of a strip show. The girls singing and dancing in that scene are referred to as the Bowery Beauties. We’ve just changed out of our costumes and broken for lunch, and one of our directors—a middle-aged balding man—is going around to various tables.)

Director: “Where are my beauties?”

(A couple people make weird noises, but we mostly laugh because we all know he’s talking about the actresses. He comes up to the table I’m sitting at with a group that is mostly girls.)

Director: “Did any of you see where the Bowery Beauties went?”

Us: “No, sorry.”

Director: *pauses like he just realized something* “I almost asked ‘Are there any beauties here?’ but that would be a terrible way to phrase it.”

(My brother recently has had trouble with the law and was almost arrested and jailed. Since then he has become very wary of policemen. We decide to travel together across the country, and it is pitch black. A cop car is sitting at a gas station on the right and I’m driving. I suffer from anxiety and we’re lost.)

Me: “Ok I think this is not right, we should go back this way.”

(I do a u turn and then nearly crash as my brother starts screaming at the tops of his lungs. He was shouting that I was stupid to do that u turn and now the cop would come after us. I manage to pull myself together and drive back on the road, and the cop is probably wondering why someone’s shouting so loudly as we wobble off. My brother calms down after a while after I scold him for shouting right in my ear while I’m driving and I tell our family later what happened and they think he was way out of line. He just replies that he was feeling moody and shrugs. Moral of the story: don’t flipping scream in someone’s ear suddenly or you may be struggling to get out of a flipped car!)

(I hav a low deep voice so whenever the speaker says they can’t hear me , I stick my head out the window and holler. I’m not trying to be a jerk, just wanna be heard. They pause, give my total and tell me to drive to the window. When I do, they look at me in wide eyed shock like they think I’m a screaming maniac! Don’t know why they just don’t tell me to order at the window, speakers suck.)

I was visiting a family I knew from church when I lived in another city. This is in a fairly conservative area. They were pointing out to me that their teenage had grown his hair out long in the time since I’d seen them last and asked my opinion on it.
Me: Umm…Jesus has long hair?

Me: “Do you ever think about how virtually all life on Earth depends on a flaming ball of gas millions of miles away burning in an endless black void?”

Girlfriend: *after a pause* “I am high on existential crisis right now.”