(My friend and I are having a mock argument in jazz band over something historical. Note that I am somewhat infamous in the band for having a large number of food allergies. I don’t remember what the argument was about, but I toss out this line:)

Me: “I’d eat men like you for breakfast!”

Trombone Player: *turns around* “No, you wouldn’t. You’d be allergic.”

Me: *pauses* “Touché.”

(I can’t really dispute that one.)

(Me and my sister are watching a season finale of our favorite show she has to get up to use the bathroom)
Me: You have to pee at the most inconvenient times
Sister: I realize that
She proceeds to run out of the room to the bathroom while I’m on the floor laughing

(All names in this story are changed. This took place in the 1940’s when my Great Uncle was four years old. His family didn’t have much money, but he was really wanting to try some candy. He came up with the great idea of taking his father’s pistol and robbing the candy store.)

Uncle: *holding up pistol* Good afternoon Ms. Dorris. I would like some candy, please.

Dorris: Alright, Joey. How about we make a deal? I’ll go ahead and give you that candy if you give me that gun.

Uncle: *happily hands over gun* Thank you very much Ms. Dorris!

(True to her word, Ms. Dorris gave my uncle a big bag of candy. She then tracked down his father, explained what happened, and returned the gun. My uncle received the worst beating of his whole life that night. Nowadays when he tells the story he gets a giant smile on his face and says that was the only time he had candy until he was adult, and it was worth every second of that beating.)

One day I was going home from working a graveyard shift, it is 7 in the morning. To get to my home there is a long hill that spans a HUGE highway where cars are going 50 MPH, at the end of that hill there is a Mcdonalds. As I drive up the hill I see that there is a young boy coming down the hill on his bike, he continues swerving and almost falling off. I’m so tired I almost pass him by saying to myself “Someone else will stop” But I get a bad feeling in my gut and turn around.
I’m the first one to stop him, this is how the convo/Events happened

Me- Hey hun where are you going?
Him- McDonalds!
Me- Do your parents know you’re going to McDonalds?
Him- *face goes red and fills with shame* No, they’re still sleeping.
Me- How old are you? Whats your name?
Him- *looks down the hill obviously considering running* I’m 5, my name is (name)
*At that time a suspicious couple who have what appeared to be needle holes all up their arm stops, with a car that is being held together by duct tape in some areas Who just fill me with this terrifying energy.*
Suspicious woman- Are we alright?
Me- Yeah, please call the cops.
SW- *ignores me* Do you know him?

*Like a godsend A man who claims to be a off duty patrol men stops and asks me what the problem is, I ask him to please call someone who is on duty. He happens to hear this whole conversation

Me- No I was passing by and he almost fell off his bike.
SW- How old is he and whats his name?
Me- (name) and he is 5 years old.
SW- *Takes him off of his bike, coddles him like she knows him and continues to try and get more info from him, where he lives who his parents are ETC)

The on duty patrolmen finally shows up, as I was the first to show up he comes to me.

PM- Whats the boys name? How old is he?
SW- *before I can even reply* This is (name) he is 5, I’m actually a friend to his parents and I can take him home to them!
Me- *My jaw drops as she continues to say shit. I go over to the cop facing the opposite way so she cant see what I’m saying and whisper to him* She doesn’t know him, She is lying and I believe they have full intentions of kidnapping him because she has been trying to extract info on him and where he lives. Do not let her take him home or follow you guys. Get her info, so if anything does happen to him you can bring her in for questioning.
PM- Can I also get your info as you are a witness to this whole situation?
Me- Happily.

He goes over to take to the off duty patrolmen who I’m guessing says the same thing as me. After the off duty patrolmen also gives his info the on duty PM goes to get hers, she protests at first but ends up giving it to him as well as her license info. He finally takes the boy from her but she protests that,

SW- I know him!! I can take him home! They would be fine with that!
PM- Then give us his address.
SW- He lives in the apartment complex!
PM- What apartment? On what floor?
SW- *this shuts her up and she hands the boy over.*

I left feeling good about myself and the fact that I may have just saved a couple from the heartbreak of having their child go missing. I just know if my kid ever does anything like that his a*s will be red and he will be grounded for at least a week.
I’m glad I followed my gut and pulled over.

I walk into the living room as a movie is playing. My dad pauses the movie on an close-up of a person writing a letter. The person’s head is outside of frame. My dad fills me in on the scene, saying that [male character] and [female character] are both there.

Me: Where’s [female character]? I didn’t see her just now.

Dad: That’s her.

He points at the person on the screen.

Me: It is?

Dad: Yeah, can’t you tell? Those are female hands. And can’t you see that bulge in her shirt?

The character in the movie is wearing a lose flannel shirt. It’s impossible to get a sense of the character’s body shape.

Me: Nope. I don’t see anything.

Dad: It’s her.

He presses play, and the camera pans up–to show [male character].

My dad and I burst out laughing.

Me: That was comedy gold!