My boyfriend and I live together and have quite a few animals (2 cats and 3 dogs). They aren’t always…. honest… about having been fed, so we’ve started checking in with each other before we feed them.

Boyfriend: Hey, did you creed the features?

Me: *very confused* What?

BF: Did you feed the creatures?

Me: *laughing* That is NOT what you said

BF: What did I say?

We both had a good laugh at that little spoonerism. The best/worst part is, it totally stuck. Now we ask “have the features been cred?” or some other variation of “creed the features”.

Dad: so, anyone you looking forward to seeing? (he’s taking me to a dance)

me: no

Dad: *explains that he overheard about me being bi and having a GF*

me: *blushes*(i wasn’t out yet*

Dad: don’t be embarrassed. i like girls to

on a side note, apparantly my mom tried bisexuality in high school. she dated a girl.

(I am shopping a shoe store in the mall. I pick up a pretty pair of running shoes and ask the girl working if I could please get them in an eight. The worker stands there for a minute while another customer is handing her shoes to take back. While she is waiting, another customer comes in and asks for the same pair of shoes as me, also in a size eight. The worker nods and goes to the back. When she comes back out, she is only carrying one box, and she hands it to the customer that came in after me.)
Worker: *coming up to me* “Sorry, we only had one pair of those in an eight.”
Me: “But I asked for them first. Why did you give them to her?”
Worker: *looking me up and down* “I thought they would look better on her. Fat people don’t need running shoes anyway.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Worker: *shrugs and walks away*
Me: *following* “I want a manager.”
Worker: *smiles* “I am the manager.” *taps her name badge*
(I left the store fuming and left a corporate complaint, but as far as I know, nothing ever came of it.)

I am a supervisor at a theater. One of the employees under me is an older woman who either does not like me or thinks she knows better than I do. No matter what I’m doing, she insists that I should be doing something else, even when it’s a fairly minor thing and I’m doing a fairly major thing. It probably doesn’t help that I look 18, even though I’m post-college.

I refuse to be the sort of supervisor who says “I’m the supervisor and you aren’t, so shut up” out of insecurity. I’m doing my best to not say it out of frustration either, but she’s really making it hard.

(My husband, his brother, his father, and his uncles all pretty much act similarly and remind me of my husband all the time. We were visiting my brother-in-law, my husband’s brother, for Thanksgiving when this jem happened)

Brother-in-law: (Wife’s name)! THIS is why the dishwasher is throwing nasty bits all over the *swear* dishes and has started to stink! Look!

Sister-in-law: I JUST saw that. I know! I can’t get the screen out! It doesn’t come out!

Brother-in-law: Of course it does! *reaches in* Right there. I’ll deal with it when everyone’s gone. We’ll just have to keep using the plastic ware and washing regular dishes by hand.

(I look in and I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking at, but can tell it’s a lot of grit)

Me: What in the world is that???

Brother-in-law: *shrugs really irritated* It’s…food bits and bull****, is what it is.

(I INSTANTLY start cracking up and so does my sister-in-law as he’s walking away angrily about the dishwasher. I can’t help it and am in near tears)

Me: I’m sorry! I’m sorry! What he said just instantly reminded me of (my husband)! They’re all exactly alike!

Brother-in-law: *turns to me and smiles* Almost like we’re related!!! Try telling us apart on the phone some time!

Husband: Hey, hey, hey! I would have added at LEAST three *specific swears*! We’re not identical!

(The entire visit was great, and he’s right about the phone thing…one time his father answered and I thought it was my husband, so they jokingly put my brother-in-law on the phone and I once again thought it was my husband…only to FINALLY get to talk to my husband as they all laughed in the background)