Caller: “Can you add a button to that page?”

Me: “Sure, but you need to be more specific. What do you want it to do?”

Caller: “Can it make the user press ‘File’, ‘Print’?”

Me: “Not exactly. I can get it to the print dialog though.”

Caller: “But it can’t press ‘File’ and then ‘Print’?”

Me: “Are you asking for a button that prints the page?”

Caller: “No! I want the button to press the file menu button, then select print for them.”

Me: “This is a website. You want me to control a user’s mouse?”

Caller: “Is that really so hard to do?”

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Client: “Hi! I need a website…”

Me: “Okay. Well, to start, tell me a little about what exactly you are looking for.”

Client: “Nothing big. Just two to four pages with my company’s info, and our phone number. It won’t need to be updated. I just need a basic web page. I just opened a dog grooming business, and I feel we need a site.”

Me: “Okay, I would be glad to help you out…”

Client: *interrupts* “One catch, though. My friend told me that I need to get on Google.”

Me: “Yes, we offer Search Engine Optimization…” *explains SEO* “…and generally your page will be indexed within about a month.”

Client: “No, I need my site to be on Google immediately! I want to be able to type in, ‘Dog Grooming,’ and have it be the first listing on Google. I need the site in about four days, and it has to be on Google by then, also.”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s impossible. Besides, you’re a local dog groomer in New York; you don’t need people from California to be able to find you. No offense, but it’s not like people are going to fly across the country to have you cut their dog’s hair.”

Client: “I guess you’re right. Okay, then let’s go with, ‘local dog grooming,’ instead. How much do you charge for your services?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m afraid it’s going to be impossible to get your site built in four days and have it listed, by then, as the number one result on the largest search engine, for a term as broad as, ‘Local Dog Grooming,’ but we can come back to that. A ballpark quote for your site — and this is just the design and upload, not for the SEO you want — possibly… $250.”

Client: “That is ridiculous. I am going to just buy Dreamweaver. ”

Me: “Ma’am, just Dreamweaver alone is $399, and even then you’re going to need to learn how to use it.”

Client: “Can you teach me?”

Me: “Um… I don’t mean to sound rude, but I went to four years of school for this, and make a living doing web design. I don’t feel comfortable training you. That’s sort of like if I were to come to your establishment, and ask you if you could take your time to show me how to properly cut my dog’s hair, rather than paying you to do it.”

Client: *speaking to someone else near her* “The s*** people will tell you just to be able to steal your money!” *click*

(I’m a graphic designer for a small sign shop. When the customer service rep leaves for lunch I’m stuck running the front desk for an hour. Since I mostly work in the back, I’m only trained on how to take orders and payments. On this fateful day the CSR was out sick and the owner had to step out for about ten minutes to run an errand. A man with a thick Russian accent steps into the shop.)

Customer: “I need these now.” *throws a book of zodiac signs down on the counter*

Me: “Okay… what is it you need?”

Customer: “These! These! I talk with your father earlier about this and I need now!”

Me: “Um… my dad doesn’t work here. Do you mean my boss?”

Customer: “Whatever. He said you have done today.”

Me:“Well sir, we are pretty busy right now and we don’t usually guarantee a sign in the same day. I could have it to you tomorrow at the earliest.”

Customer: “I need this, this and this. Now. He said he get them now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t really know what you spoke to him about, but he will be back in a few minutes and you can speak with him personally about it.”

Customer: “I need now! He said he get them now! You go make them now!”

Me: “Tell me what you want and I will do my best to make them for you.”

Customer: “He knows. He’ll tell you. Go make them.”

Me: “I told you he is not here right now. If you want to leave the book here, I will talk to him about it and get the order together for you.”

Customer: “DO YOU HAVE LIFE?!”

Me: “Did you just ask if I have a life?”

Customer: “LIFE! LIFE! DO YOU HAVE IT?!”

Me: “Um… yeah. I have a life. It’s in the back of the shop. Please leave.”

Customer: *shouts something in Russian and storms out the door*

Coworker: “What the h*** was that all about?”

Me: “I really don’t know!”

Caller: “I’m not happy with the website.”

Me: “Why?”

Caller: “It’s not reporting my usage correctly.”

Me: “I’m very sorry about that. Is it saying you have used more than you think you have?”

Caller: “No, it’s saying I have not used any.”

Me: “Oh, that means we were accidentally giving it to you for free. Thanks for telling me!”

Caller: “Crap! I should learn not to complain!”

(A non-profit organization asked our company to write a proposal for a website design. I present our proposal to a group of about 15 people, including the president of the organization.)

Me: “When you want to add a new page to the website, you can type it here. If you want, the system can send new content to someone in your organization for review before it goes live.”

Client: “Can you give me an example of when we would do this?”

Me: “Well, if you want, you can have your legal people review the new text before it goes up on the site, so, you know… you don’t get sued because of–”

President: “Sued?! Who’s suing us? I don’t want to get sued!”

Me: “No, I’m just saying your legal people could review any changes to the site–”

President: “This guy is telling me we could be sued! I don’t like this!”

Me: “No, it’s so you WOULDN’T be sued. But that’s just an example. It’s just if someone wants to read the content before–”

President: “I do not like the sound of this at all.”

(We didn’t get the job.)

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