I’ve been working on a logo for a company that is associated with my office as a sort of “favor” for my boss.

Me: “I’m very happy you like the logo! What kind of files would you like it in?”

Client: “We’d actually like you to just make us a website from that logo.”

Me: “Oh, I actually don’t do websites. I don’t know how to code.”

Client: “Surely you can code. I used to make up codes all the time as a child. It should be easy for you.”

Me: “…”

Client: “Go ahead! Try it!”

Client: “This is exactly what we need! Great job! Just one more thing, though. You know those links on the front page? They should jump up and down.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Client: “Jumping! You know, a lot of websites have their links jumping. It’s the best way to showcase our links.”

Me: “You mean they’re animated?”

Client: “No, this is formal.”

Me: “I still don’t understand…”

It took an embarrassing amount of time to discover the client was referring to drop-down menus. 

Client: “Hey, just one final question before I send the deposit. Do you use a PC or a Mac?”

Me: “I use a Mac.”

Client: “That is a problem. Do you have access to a PC? I am not a supporter of Apple products.”

Me: “No, I don’t have access to a PC, but this will have little to no effect on the work itself.”

Client: “I am a Christian, and Apple products are sinful. I do not want our website to be created by a product made by this corrupt group. You need only look at their logo: an apple with a bite taken from it. Do you not know the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? If I allowed you to create my website on a Mac, I would be just like Adam, taking a bite of the forbidden fruit.”

Silence.

Client: “Take my advice: destroy your Mac and repent for when judgment day comes. It shall be you who is cast to Hell for your sins.”

Me: *Blocks the contact*

Client: “Can you make it so when people land on our website, it’s, like, all black with stars coming out of the screen all ‘whoosh, whoosh’—” *does the action* “—like in that screensaver?”

Me: “…”

Client: “With the music from Star Wars.”

Me: “…”

Client: “And it does that for, like, a minute, and then it stops and they have to click on one of the stars.”

Me: “Any star?”

Client: “No. No. A specific star that they’ll have to find. Make it different every time.”

Me: “…”

Client: “Then, when they find the right star, there’s like a massive explosion that the site spins out of—” *does the action* “—like in the old Batman series.”

Me: “For your company site?”

Client: “Yeah.”

Me: “The company that cleans up addicts’ used needles from parks and playgrounds?”

Client: “Yeah.”

Me: “No.”

Client: “…well, you’re not much fun.”

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Client: “The word ‘Blog’ sounds too alien.” *Does an impression with his arms* “‘Glip glorp zoop blog, I am a martian,’ if you know what I mean.”

Me: “Um, I guess I do, sure.”

Client: “There’s no humanity in it! I want people to associate our company with humanness.”

Me: “So, you want to remove the blog page?”

Client: “No, keep it. But can we call it our ‘Feelings And Opinions Space,’ instead?”

Me: “Sure. The only thing is, it’s on a ‘Blogspot’ subdomain.”

Client: “Just change that to a ‘FeelingsAndOpinionsSpot’ sub-dome-whatever. Easy, see? You just have to start thinking like me!”

Me: “…”