(A customer calls in to order tickets.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Theater]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to order tickets to see your show!”

Me: “All right then, and which show were you looking for?”

Caller: “You mean there’s more than one?!”

Me: “That’s right, we have six shows in our season, and twelve from people who rent our space.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t like that many choices!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, ma’am. Maybe we can narrow it down. Would you like to see one of our current shows or something within the month?”

Caller: “What month is this?!”

Me: “It’s January.”

Caller: “No, I don’t like January! What else is there?”

Me: *pause* “February?”

Caller: “Hmm. February. FEB-ruary. F-F-F-Feb. No, I don’t like that either!”

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(A customer comes in with four boxes of our crystal product. They are all broken and foggy.)

Me: “Oh, no, what happened to these?”

Customer: “I just tried cleaning them and they all broke!”

Me: “How did you clean these?”

Customer: “I put them in my dishwasher, of course!”

Me: “Ma’am, these are very delicate crystal figurines. They shouldn’t even be put in water.”

Customer: “Oh, please! Like I’m going to bother cleaning them myself!”

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Customer: “Two senior tickets for [Film].”

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re no longer playing that film.”

Customer: “What? But you were playing it yesterday!”

Me: “Well, we usually get new movies on Friday.”

Customer: “My friend looked online and it said it was playing here.”

Me: “What website did your friend go to? Did it say the film would be playing here on Friday? Sometimes the websites get the movie listings wrong.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! I’m a native New Yorker and if this was New York, you’d be shot!”