You’re Not On Candid Camera

, , , , , | Right | November 6, 2009

(I am in a local theater production, but am currently working at the checkout in a supermarket for extra income.)

Me: “That will be 23.75.”

Customer: “Hey, weren’t you that guy from Romeo and Juliet?”

Me: “Yes, I was. Did you see the performance?”

Customer: “I did, but why are you working here?”

Me: “Oh, I do this to get some work while I’m not acting.”

Customer: “Oh, no!”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Customer: “This is one of those joke shows isn’t it? I’m on camera!”

Me: *laughs* “No, it isn’t. Don’t worry, actors just need more than one source of income sometimes.”

Customer: “Quick! Is a man gonna jump out of my food bag or something and scare me?”

Me: “Um, no. Don’t worry, I’m just working here part-time.”

(She looks through her shopping bag.)

Customer: *turns to the person behind her* “I’m famous! I knew I was on camera. Look!”

(She pulls out a snow globe from her shopping bag.)

Customer: “You were gonna get me with this, weren’t you? Trying to act like you could see the future! It’s okay, dear. You can stop being in character now. You can come out now, camera crew!”

Me: *playing along* “Well, you got us, ma’am. I have to say, nothing escapes you!”

(I turn to a camera that isn’t there.)

Me: “Follow us next week when we try to pull a gag on a petrol station customer! That’s a wrap. Thanks for playing, miss!”

(The customer happily paid and left.)


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Circle Of Strife

, , | Right | September 14, 2009

Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was just wondering what is currently showing at the moment?”

Me: “Well, the current production is Timon of Athens.”

Customer: “Oh? Is that another sequel of The Lion King? Can I book seats for that?”

Me: “It’s a Shakespearean tragedy. It’s not about lions.”

Customer: “Oh, so it’s just about the meerkat?”

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Lord Of The Rain Dance

, | Right | August 11, 2009

Me: “Good afternoon, [Theater]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I want to know what’s happening tonight with the show, since it’s going to rain. I have tickets and I want a refund.”

Me: “Well, the company doesn’t cancel a show until the scheduled start time, so you do have to turn up at the venue to see what we’re doing. We will go ahead in light rain, and we can’t refund if the show goes ahead.”

Caller: “You’re telling me I have to drive all the way there, when you know it’s going to be canceled?”

Me: “Well, we don’t decide until that time because we’re not sure what the weather will be like this evening.”

Caller: “The national weather service says it’s going to rain.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, the weather’s been a bit unpredictable lately, so–”

Caller: “That’s not true.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “They said it would rain tonight.”

Me: “Of course, ma’am, but we’re still not sure that at the time of the show–”

Caller: “You shouldn’t insult people like that. People have studied for years to be able to predict the weather! You shouldn’t just dismiss that!”

Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t mean to-”

Caller: “Oh, I’m sure you didn’t, but you really should be more careful how you speak. If they say there’s going to a storm, you should respect that. You should cancel your show.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Well unfortunately, that is the visiting company’s policy, so I’m afraid you’ll have to take it up with them.”

Caller: “I will!” *hangs up*

(Unfortunately for the caller, we had beautiful summer evening and the show went ahead as planned.)

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Better Safe Than Sorry

, , | Right | January 20, 2009

(I am just finishing up a sale with an older gentleman for show tickets.)

Me: “Okay, just to let you know, there are no refunds or exchanges for these tickets, and the show does contain shooting, swearing, and smoking.”

Customer: “I hope not in my row!”

Me: *confused* “Well, it’s a show… You can see everything from every seat… so–”

Customer: “I’m talking about the shooting!”

Me: “Oh! Well, no… they shoot each other on-stage…”

Customer: “Not the audience?”

Me: “Not the audience. What kind of theater do you think we’re running here?!”

Customer: “I don’t know… I just don’t want to get shot.”

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The Knights Of Ni Say Boo

| Right | July 24, 2008

(Before a performance of Spamalot, I was watching a young attendant walking up and down the aisle selling spam sandwiches the way other plays would sell ice cream.)

Sandwich seller: “Spam sandwiches! Anyone care for a spam sandwich? Would anyone like to buy a spam sandwich?”

Audience member: “What flavour are they?”

Sandwich seller: “… spam.”

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