(I work as front of house staff at a theater with multiple performance spaces. On this night we have three sold out shows in our building and an incredibly high volume of patrons in line for the box office and in line to get their tickets scanned. I am the only person scanning tickets at this point and I have developed a cluster of patrons around me, plus many more behind them. I realize that to proceed efficiently, I need more organization. I address my patron cluster:)

Me: “It will really help me out if everyone can form one line please!”

Woman In The Cluster: *as though this never would have occurred to her* “OH! Because you’re only one person!”

Me: “…exactly.”

(My boyfriend and I are at a stand-up comedy gig and having a great time. It should be noted that although we get on very well, we are having some difficulties in the bedroom. This happens during the gig’s interval.)

Boyfriend: “Do you want to go outside and spread your legs for a while?”

Me: “Whaaat?!”

Boyfriend: *takes a few seconds before he realises what he said* “Stretch! I meant stretch your legs! Oh, God!”

(My mother, brother, sister, cousin, and I are out at the theater. We’re trying to decide what movie to watch. My sister is about 10, while the other three (me included) are 16-17.)

Sister: “I wanna see [PG-13] movie!”

Cousin: “That sounds good!”

Me: *reads movie list* “OH, MY GOD, THEY HAVE FROZEN AS A SING-ALONG VERSION!”

Brother: “That one. We want to watch that one.”

Sister: “What? No! I’m NOT watching that! I wanna see [PG-13] movie!”

Cousin: “Why not? You’ve seen both before!”

Sister: “It’s a kid’s movie! You’re all too old!”

Me: “Am not!”

(My mother made us go to the PG-13 movie.)

Patron: “I’d like a seat on an aisle.”

Me: “Unfortunately I have no aisle seats available for this performance. I can do row H in the right section.”

Patron: “Is that on an aisle?”

Me: “No. As I said, I have no aisle seats for this show. If row H doesn’t work, I can give you row O in the center.”

Patron: “Are those on an aisle?”

Me: “No, they are not.”

Patron: “Well, I’ll take the first ones you said.”

Me: “Okay, row H, seats 6 and 8.”

Patron: “And those are on the aisle, right?”

(I work in a theatre group. While most of my coworkers are great, there is one that seems to be a bit of an airhead. On this day, I’m waiting with her in a dressing room. There’s a supply of clear plastic cups in the room for drinking water, and sound from the stage is being piped in.)

Coworker: “I’m going to practice my routine, okay?”

Me: “Sure. I’m on soon. I’ll be back after my scene is done.”

(After I do my scene, I come back to find the girl doing the ‘cups’ rhythm to ‘When I’m Gone’ by Anna Kendrick. The cup breaks part way through the pattern. She throws it out and goes to get another cup. To my chagrin, there are several other broken cups in the trash.)

Me: “Wait a minute. How many times have you done that?”

Coworker: “Five… six… I don’t know.”

Me: “And how many times has the cup broken?”

Coworker: “All of them. Why?”

Me: “Two things. First, those cups are meant to be for drinking, not playing with. If the cup breaks every time, it’s probably not strong enough to be hit so many times.”

Coworker: *clearly not getting it* “I see…”

Me: “And second, if you’d been paying attention to the speaker instead of your cup-flipping skills, you would know your scene is coming up in just a couple minutes.)

(The girl ran to the backstage area, shocked. Something told me she’s not cut out to be an actress.)