Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, you sold me a television remote control earlier…”

(Note that this same customer bought a universal remote control and required five minutes of explanation as to why a universal remote would work on her [Brand] TV.)

Me: “Yes, what about it?”

Customer: “Well, I can’t program it.”

Me: “Did you read the instruction manual? There’s not much I can do over the phone.”

Customer: “Can’t you program it over the phone?”

Me: “No, ma’am. You need to program it to your television. Without being there, I can’t do it.”

Customer: “No lights come on. Is there a battery in it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. That type of remote comes with a battery.”

Customer: “You’re not helpful!” *click*

(A few minutes later, she calls back.)

Customer: “Yes, I called about the remote. I still can’t program it. I don’t think you gave me a battery and I think you ripped me off.”

Me: “Could you flip the remote over and see if there is a battery in it?”

Customer: “Yeah, hold on… Hey, what’s this? What about this tab that says ‘Remove Before Using?’ Should I take that out?”

Me: *major facepalm* “Yes, ma’am. ”

Customer: “Hey, the lights work now. Finally, you did something useful!” *click*

(Not surprisingly, the lady called back a few minutes later asking if the volume plus button was the one with the up arrow or the down arrow.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. May I please have your 16-digit account number?”

Customer: “I can’t.”

Me: “That’s fine. May I please have your Social Security number so I’m able to find you?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need my balance right now!”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that, but I need to be able to look you up in the computer. Do you have your account number or your Social Security number?”

Customer: “I’m on a cell phone. I can’t give you that; it’s not SECURE!”

Me: “Umm… okay? Would you like to call us back on a land-line so that your call is more ‘secure’?”

Customer: “I’m busy! Can’t you just give me my balance?”

Me: “I can as soon as I’m able to look you up in the computer. How would you like me to do that?”

Customer: “I’m not going to do your job for you! Now tell me my balance!”

(At this point, I’ve had enough.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your credit card with you?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you please take it out of your wallet and hold it above your head?”

Customer: “Okay, I’m doing that.”

Me: “Thank you, may I please put you on hold while I contact NASA to move the satellite to your location and send us a picture?”

Customer: “Okay, just don’t take too long about it!”

(I place the customer on hold and go on break. Surprisingly, he’s still there when I get back.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we were unable to read the picture. Did you move at all?”

Customer: “Yeah, I put it back in my wallet.”

Me: “Okay, that’s the problem. Could you please just read it to me so I can look up your balance?”

Customer: “NO, I TOLD YOU I’M ON A CELL PHONE AND IN A HURRY!” *customer hangs up*

(My boss didn’t know if I should be fired or given an award.)

This story is part of our Identity Theft roundup!

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(The office downstairs sometimes calls up to us for tech support. They’re not too great with computers.)

Guy: *from downstairs* “I think one of the computers has a virus.”

Me: “Okay, which one?”

Guy: “The one in the middle of the office.”

(This seems strange, as I remember that they don’t have any computers in the middle of the room.)

Me: “Have you moved the computers recently?”

Guy: “Yeah, we put it in the middle of the office so the other computers wouldn’t catch the virus!”

(I went downstairs and a disconnected desktop stands in all its glory in the middle of the room. It didn’t have a virus.)

Old Woman: “Excuse me, sir, I need some batteries.”

Me: “Of course. What kind do you need?”

Old Woman: “I… I’m not sure.”

Me: “Not a problem. What do you need the batteries for? I might be able to match them up to the product.”

Old Woman: “…I need them for my ghetto blaster.”

(I have a line of guests at the front desk waiting to check-in, but I can’t ignore the phone ringing. I saw that it was an inside call from a room and I answer it, hoping this will be quick. I’m used to stupid questions but this was the best.)

Me: “Guest services, how may I help you?”

Guest: “Yes, how do you work the television?”

Me: *without missing a beat* “There should be a remote control on the night table in between the two beds in your room. On it, there should be a circular orange button that says “POWER”. Push it and the TV should turn on.”

(At this point, the young couple in front of me is laughing.)

Guest: “Okay, what do I do then?”

Me: “Well, once the TV is on, you can push the yellow arrow buttons that say ‘channel’ to find the station you’d like to watch. Would you like to know where the channel listing is in your room?”

Guest: “No, but thanks. I’ll give it a try.”

Me: “My pleasure.” *hangs up*

Young Couple: *still laughing* “Are you serious?”