(I have just bought a new computer and decided to upgrade from dial-up to broadband Internet. They come and install everything, and the tech asks me to try to go online. I just get an error message.)

Tech: “Can I try it?”

Me: “Sure, have a seat.”

Tech: “I see the problem. You don’t have Explorer installed.”

Me: “It’s an Apple. It doesn’t use Explorer. It uses Safari.”

Tech: “Well, Explorer should be on the Windows disk. Where is your Windows disk?”

Me: “It’s an Apple. It doesn’t use Windows. It uses OS X. I have an OS X disk, with Safari on it. No Windows, no Explorer.”

Tech: “Oh, the Windows disk should have come with your computer. Go back to the store and tell them you didn’t get it. After you install Explorer, you should be able to go online. If you have any problems, call this number.”

(The tech hands me a card and leaves. I immediately call the number and ask for an Apple tech. I get transferred to a rep, and we have the following conversation:)

Rep: “Okay, do you see the little blue E on the desktop?”

Me: “I have an Apple; I wanted to talk to an Apple tech. Can you transfer me?”

Rep: “Yes, I am the Apple tech. Now, do you see a little blue E?”

Me: “It’s an Apple. It runs OS X and Safari. No Windows, no Internet Explorer.”

Rep: “Well, if you want to get online, you have to install Windows and Internet Explorer. Call me back when you do that; it will take a few hours.” *click*

(I wound up calling the Apple support desk, and they fixed the problem for me. There was something wrong with the settings on the router.)

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(I am doing troubleshooting over the phone with a woman whose office phone is acting up.)

Me: “So, I’m going to get you to reboot your phone. All you need to do is unplug the cable in the back of the base.”

Customer: “This data cable?”

Me: “Yes, that’s the one, but don’t do it yet or we’ll be disconnect— Hello? Hello?”

Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I want your voice mail service turned off now!”

Me: “Let me take a look… your voice mail is deactivated already, sir.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t! I came home today and my phone said I had one message!”

Me: “Does your phone have an answering machine, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, it does! What does that have to do with anything!?! You never turned off your voice mail and now my phone says I have a message!”

Me: “It’s on your answering machine, sir.”

Customer: “And how did it get there?! Out of thin air?!”

Me: “No, sir, someone called you and left a message on the answering machine.”

Customer: “My a** they did!” *click*

Me: “How may I help you today?”

Female Customer: “I was trying to watch something on demand and it would go through. Why is that?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, there is an outage for your area for that service at the moment.”

Female Customer: “How the h*** is that supposed to help me? I want a forty dollar credit on my account.”

Me: “Well I would be glad to credit you for the day of service for the inconvenience.”

Female Customer: “Listen here, you son of a b****! I want a forty dollar credit because this is ruining my night. Do you have any idea how much I want to watch my shows?”

Me: “I understand and apologize, ma’am, but there are a lot of people affected by this issue at the moment. You’re not the only one and we can’t give everyone a forty dollar credit.”

Female Customer: “I don’t give a d***! This is my night to watch my shows. My account is more important than theirs! You can handle them on your own time!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you want I can credit you for the day and then if you like I can send a field technician out to you tomorrow after the outage to make sure your services are working fine.”

Female Customer: “Whatever! Just give me the credit! How much is it?”

Me: “Five dollars.”

Female Customer: “Was that so hard?”

(I should add that I may have “forgotten” to tell her about the charge for the technician.)

(I am using live chat with a tech support agent. My phone randomly stopped working one day and it is urgent I get a new one as it is the middle of winter and I have a six hour solo drive ahead of me. I have just gotten off the phone with tech support who told me I have to get a new phone, so I am now speaking with someone in sales.)

Me: “I would like to get this resolved before I leave as I am making the six hour drive alone.”

Sales Rep: “That would not be good. Give me a few minutes.”

Me: “Thank you for understanding how hardcore crappy that would be. The last guy I talked to in insurance didn’t seem to get that.”

Sales Rep: “He doesn’t get out much…”