(I work for an online charter school that enrolls students K-12. The program is funded by individual states, so the rules are exactly what you’d see in regular, physical public schools. A lot of people have a hard time understanding that. Applications are almost always done by parents for minor children, but we did occasionally get 18 year old students enrolling themselves in the 11th or 12th grades.)

Caller: “Hi! I wanted to start the application for enrollment.”

Me: “Sure! How many students will you be applying for?”

Caller: “Just one.”

Me: “All right, then. What grade is your student applying for?”

Caller: “Well, is it possible to take specific subjects?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid not. This is a state-funded program, so it does come as a full package. You would be able to take specific classes through our private school, though.”

Caller: “But the private school costs money, doesn’t it?”

Me: “That’s correct.”

Caller: “Okay, then I want to go with the regular version… It’s free right?”

Me: “Yes, the program is free as long as your state pays for it.”

Caller: “Oh, good! I want to apply for the 11th grade, then.”

Me: “Okay. What state do you live in?”

Caller: “Pennsylvania.”

Me: “Yes, your state does participate and will even pay for a laptop for your student to use while they’re enrolled in the program with us.”

Caller: “Ooooh, I get a laptop?”

Me: “Are you going to be the student?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, that isn’t a problem. Are you 18?”

Caller: *laughs* “I was 18 YEARS ago.”

Me: *pause* “How old are you?”

Caller: “36.”

Me: *face-palm* “Your state will not pay for you to attend the 11th grade.”

Caller: “WHY NOT?!”

Me: “Ma’am, your state has a cap on the age allowed for students. In this case, the maximum age is 21. If you do need to complete your GED, there are many adult education programs that should be listed on Pennsylvania’s board of education website.”

Caller: “But, I don’t WANT to do those. I only want to take art! I just want to do the one class!”

Me: “You could take a class at your local community college instead. Taking a class with us is not going to be an option for you.”

Caller: “But you already do the classes for free! It wouldn’t hurt anything if I just snuck in there.”

Me: “No, ma’am, that is not how this works. We are paid by the STATE for each student in our classes. We do not allow members of the general public to attend our classes.”

Caller: “But it’s ONLINE, so it’s not like it costs you anything!”

Me: *face-palm harder* “We maintain the website, equipment used, pay the teachers, and manage the curriculum… It is not even close to costing nothing.

Caller: “OH, MY GOD! It’s not even a big deal! I just want to take art! Why are you discriminating against me?”

Me: “Because you are over the age limit.”

Caller: “THAT’S AGEIST. THAT’S DISCRIMINATION. I KNOW MY RIGHTS. YOU CAN’T DO THAT!”

Me: “It is the same as if you showed up to a high school during the day and demanded to attend their art class. They wouldn’t let you because you aren’t a student and you can’t enroll because you are over the age limit.”

Caller: “I WOULDN’T WANT TO ENROLL ANYWAY, IDIOT. I ALREADY GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL!”

Me: *pause* “Then why do you want to take 11th grade art so badly?” *exasperated*

Caller: “I don’t know! I just remember it being really fun! What’s the big deal?! You got an issue with people having fun?!”

(This went on for several more minutes, but she was just not satisfied with what I was telling her and refused to enroll in a community college art class because it would cost money. She wound up calling back several more times and her number was eventually blocked by the company.)

(My music class and another older music class put on a school Christmas concert, led by my music teacher. My grandmother, who is hard of hearing, comes to watch with my mother. Afterward, my mother tells me something that happened during the concert.)

Music Teacher: *to the audience* “The next performance will be, ‘Do You Hear What I Hear?'”

Grammy: *to my mother* “What? What did he say?”

Mom: *loudly* “He said, ‘DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?'”

(They and the many audience members who heard them started laughing.)

This story is part of our Music In Our Schools roundup!

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(I have been going out with my boyfriend for about 18 months, and one of his two best friends, Male Friend #1, and one of my very close friends, Female Friend, have recently started dating. His other best friend, Male Friend #2, is still single, and we are discussing the fact that he needs to hurry up and get a girlfriend.)

Male Friend #1: “How about [Girl #1]?”

Female Friend: “No, she’s a bit of an a**. What about [Girl #2]?”

Boyfriend: “She’s hated me for several years now. No way. Hmm… [Girl #3]?”

Me: “Way out of his league. How about [Girl #4]?”

Female Friend: “Yes! She’d be perfect for [Male Friend #2].”

Male Friend #2: “Um… Do I get a say in this?”

Female Friend: “Sure! You get 20% of the say.”

Male Friend #2: “20%?! This is about a girlfriend for ME, you know.”

Me: “This is a GROUP DECISION, [Male Friend #2]!”

(Yeah… He’s still single.)

(There’s a cafeteria located on our college campus. Most of the employees, but not all, tend to be enrolled in the culinary school.)

Employee: “Hi, what can I do for you?”

Me: “I think I’ll have a BLT on sourdough, please.”

(The employee gets a baffled look and turns to whisper something to the manager.)

Manager: “Really?! It’s bacon, lettuce, tomato!”

Related:
BLT: Better Luck Tomorrow, Part 2
BLT: Better Luck Tomorrow

(I am in third grade and we are learning long multiplication. We were using a method called the ‘house method,’ which is very ineffective. I’ve known the proper method since first grade. It’s parent-teacher conferences.)

Teacher: “[My Name]’s performances in math have been very low.”

Dad: “What? What have you been teaching her?”

Teacher: “We have been sending the worksheets home. Haven’t you been showing them to your parents, [My Name]?”

Me: “No.”

Teacher: “Why not?”

Me: “I didn’t want to embarrass my parents.”

Teacher: “They needed to know you were failing math!”

Me: “I didn’t want to seem like I was bragging because I know everything.”

Dad: *awkwardly* “What has she been failing?”

Teacher: “Multiplication.”

Dad: “[My Name], can I see the worksheets?”

Me: “Sure!”

(I take the worksheet from my desk and give it to Dad. Dad looks at it.)

Dad: “These are all right.”

Teacher: “Yes, using the wrong method. And they are supposed to be wrong. Those questions are designed to be wrong.”

Dad: “So what you’re saying is she’s too smart.”

Teacher: “Yes.”

Dad: “Say your good-byes, [My Name].”

(I had a new school by next week.)

This story is part of our Parent-Teacher-Conference Roundup!

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