(We are doing an assignment on the bubonic plague. The girl next to me looks extremely confused.)
Girl: “What is considered middle-aged?”
Teacher: “Why?”
Girl: “Is it like, forty?”
Teacher: “Why?”
Girl: “It says that the bubonic plague had the most effect on people during the ‘Middle Ages.'”
(My mom is Dean of Students at my school, and this takes place at the beginning of the school year when it’s still the rainy season. During sixth grade lunch it starts raining too hard for anyone to go outside to play. Normally, kids would go to the gym to play, but this day they can’t because of a town meeting. I’m eating lunch with my mom today in her office when an angry sixth grader storms in.)
Student: “I want recess!”
(My mom, taken aback, tries to form a sentence.)
Mom: “I’m sorry, honey. But you can’t go into the outside. What can I do?”
Student: “Open the gym!”
Mom: “I can’t, sweetie.”
Student: “DON’T F****** CALL ME ‘SWEETIE!’ OPEN THE GOD-D*** GYM SO I CAN HAVE RECESS!”
(My mom, staying perfectly calm, ignores his cursing and shakes her head.)
Mom: “I can’t. There’s a meeting going on in there. You’ll interrupt it if you go in.”
Student: “WHERE’S MS. [Principal]?! SHE’S YOUR BOSS AND I’LL HAVE YOU FIRED!”
(The principal suddenly walks in, having heard the entire thing, with an angry look on her face.)
Principal: “First of all, I’m not her boss. Second of all, Ms. [Mom] has been very sweet and calm towards you, even after you started cussing, so you owe her an apolog—”
Student: “YOU DON’T HAVE PROOF I F****** CURSED! I DON’T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR S***!”
(The student proceeds to curse his head off at both women before flashing a smug grin. The principal and my mom then pull out their phones, tap their screens, and play back the kid’s cussing and ranting. The student’s smile melts when it finishes, and the principal then points at me.)
Principal: “I have audio proof and an eye-witness that you were a jerk to Ms. [Mom] despite her being nice, and you were cursing. You are going to recieve a week of out-of-school suspension.”
Student: “F*** YOU! GIMME MY RECESS!”
(The student proceeded to run out of the office. I followed him to make sure he didn’t get in trouble, only to see him run into the gym with a basketball. Three seconds later, a police officer who was attending the meeting came out carrying the kid, who was still cussing up a storm. The kid was suspended for two weeks, and was almost charged with disturbance of peace by the officer.)
(My husband and I are in a birth class and on this particular day we are all sharing our birth plans by rotating them around to each other.)
Husband: *noticing and pointing out that several birth plans include plans for circumcision* “That’s a good idea; we should really include that in ours.”
Me: *quizzical look* “[Husband]…”
Husband: “What? It makes a lot of sense. I think we should add it to ours.”
Me: “Um, [Husband]…”
Husband: “What?”
Me: “We’re having a girl.”
Husband: “Oh! Yeah, good point.”
(Our teacher is telling us a story of a conversation between her and her six-year-old son. She just came home from grocery shopping and just took an ice pack out of the bag and is putting it in the fridge.)
Son: “Mommy, what’s that? Can I have it?”
Teacher: “No, sweetie, that’s for if you get a boo-boo.”
Son: *slams his head on the table* “Can I have it now?”
(I have a friend who acts like a tomboy. One day, as we are speaking with each other, we pass a boy who she has a huge crush on.)
Boy: “Are you sure you’re a girl? Because you sure don’t act like one!”
Friend: *seductive smirk* “I don’t know. Should I check? Or do you want to check for me?”
