(I have celiac disease, which is a severe intolerance to wheat gluten, but I’m rather timid about it. However, my university’s food court has recently undergone massive training for food handling with regard to cross-contamination, so I decide to take advantage.)

Me: “Hi, can I get a tuna sandwich on gluten-free bread?”

Employee: *annoyed* “Are you really allergic?”

Me: “Yes, I’m extremely sensitive. Thank you for checking.”

Employee: *sighs* “Okay… well, it’s going to take a while.”

(The employee makes a big show out of gathering the ingredients for my sandwich, which are in special containers so as to prevent contamination with normal bread. She is sighing and rolling her eyes all the while. When another customer walks up, she yells to her coworker.)

Coworker: “What’s the big deal?”

Employee: *loudly* “I’ve gotta make this lady a gluten-free sandwich, and it’s going to take forever!”

Coworker: “Ugh, that’s so annoying!”

Employee: “And it’s such a waste of food.”

Another Customer: “What’s the problem?”

Coworker: “She has to make a gluten-free sandwich, which is really annoying and takes forever because we have to go in the back and get special ingredients and make sure nothing touches anything. Then, the ingredients go bad because nobody eats them. I don’t understand why people have to be such picky eaters, you know?”

Employee: *to me, sarcastically* “Here’s your sandwich. Have a great day.”

Me: “Thanks. And I’m so terribly sorry for making you have to do your job correctly!”

(I later called the manager to complain, who was very apologetic. He called me back to let me know he fired both employees after the incident. It turns out it wasn’t the first complaint that they’d gotten regarding the very same issue. The worst part of the story? I still got incredibly sick from the sandwich.)

This story is part of our Celiac Awareness Day roundup!

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(I’m training at the back of a sandwich store with a coworker, when we notice that our other coworker on service needs help. Note: we have a promotion that makes any foot-long sandwich $6.00 between 11 pm and 11 am.)

Customer: “No! How much is that?! [Your coworker] just said ‘no’!”

Me: “Pardon me, miss, what seems to be the—”

Customer: “You have a sign outside that says every sub is six dollars.”

Me: “Yes, that’s true.”

Customer: “But she just said ‘no’!”

Coworker: “Miss, all foot-long subs -are- six dollars right now.”

(Suddenly, the customer lunges at my colleague. Her boyfriend immediately grabs her and pulls her to him.)

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Babe, calm down.”

Customer: “…Okay. Look: my boyfriend just asked if my sub was the same price. And you said no.”

Coworker: “Right! Yes. Because your sub is a six inch, and is cheaper.”

Customer: “But your sign says they’re ALL six dollars! And you said ‘no’!”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Babe, you’ve got to calm down.”

Coworker: “Yeah, because your sub is only six inches long. It’s cheaper.”

Customer: *glares at us*

Me: “Regardless, your sub is only four dollars, miss.”

Customer: *turning on me, wildly* “No! I’m not paying for that! She said ‘no’!” *gestures to her boyfriend’s foot-long* “He’s paying for that, and that’s it! *turns to her boyfriend* “And don’t you ever grab me again!”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Oh, yeah, I’m the one in trouble here.”

(The boyfriend and I finish the transaction for his foot-long while the girlfriend paces angrily outside.)

Me: “Here’s your change… and good luck.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Thanks. I’ll need it.”

Me: “Do you really think people believed that six thousand years ago?”

Coworker: “The world isn’t six thousand years old!”

Me: “Sorry, are you religious? Four thousand years, then.”

Coworker: “No, the world is 2012 years old!”

Me: “Seriously? When were the ancient Egyptians around?”

Coworker: “2012 years ago!”

Me: “And the dinosaurs?”

Coworker: “2012 years.”

Me: “Evolution?”

Coworker: “I’m not stupid. Evolution is happening all the time!”

Me: “Starting when?”

Coworker: “2012 YEARS AGO!”

(I’m a cashier at a fairly small sandwich shop in my city. I’m on duty at the same time as one of my coworkers, who is also my friend. She stands 5’9″ and is very slim with pink hair. She looks like a doll. A rather large guy comes in; he wants a sandwich with an obscene number of exotic and special items.)

Customer: “I want a large pumpernickel sandwich, with black forest ham, avocado, shrimp, caramelized onions, pine nuts, basil, honey-glazed salmon and dragon fruit. And I want it now, so get a move on!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, that sounds delicious, but I’m afraid we only do quite basic sandwiches here. You’d need somewhere special for that order.”

Customer: “F*** that! I need to be back at work soon and I want my d*** sandwich! Call yourself a business, denying me my food like that! I’m reporting you unless you serve me right now! Now make me my sandwich!”

Coworker: “Okay, I get that you’re angry about this, but I really can’t do anything about this. The only parts of that order we could do are the onions and the shrimp. Apart from that, we just don’t stock the ingredients. Now, either please order something else or leave. You’re holding up everyone else.”

Customer: “I don’t believe this. Make me my food right now or I’m coming back there to kick your a** till you do as I said!”

(My coworker is now quite annoyed, as it’s been a long day.)

Coworker: “Number one, threats aren’t going to help you. I can’t make it because we don’t have the ingredients, not because I don’t want to. Number two, if you come back here it’s not going to end well, do you understand me?”

Customer: “If I come back there you can’t do a d*** thing to stop me! I know my rights and I want my food!”

Coworker: “Please don’t come back here. If you get violent, it will be unpleasant for you.”

Customer: “What, you think you can do anything to me? You think you can kick my a**, barbie? Nobody believes that.”

(I’ve been eavesdropping from further down the counter. I’m a pretty big guy, 6’4”, and I’m in good shape. I see this as my cue to lean over.)

Me: “I believe her.”

Customer: “Oh yeah? And who the f*** are you? Another a**hole who’s going to refuse me my food?”

Me: “I was thinking more a black sash in Lethwei, a competitor in both Eskrima and Sambo, and if you’re familiar with the local circuit I’m the latest MMA champion. And yes, I’m refusing your food.”

Customer: “I wasn’t talking to you though, was I? I was talking to her.”

Me: “I know. In fact, please do come back here and try to fight her. I need a laugh.”

(Upon my saying this, the customer looks surprised and confused.)

Me: “See, what I probably should have mentioned is she’s the one who helps me train for all that stuff I mentioned. She wins about half the time. Please try and fight her? Youtube needs a new hit.”

(The customer blusters a bit more before backing down and huffing his way out of the shop, still threatening. I wasn’t lying: she would have wiped the floor with him!)

Employee: “Welcome to [store name]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Can I get a six inch turkey sub on white?”

(The employee turns around and looks at the bread, then turns back around.)

Employee: “What kind of bread?”

Me: “White.”

(The employee pulls out a loaf of white bread, looks at it then looks back at me.)

Employee: “What size sandwich?”

Me: “Six inch.”

(The employee cuts the bread to six inches, then looks at the bread then looks back at me.)

Employee: “What type of meat?”

Me: “…Turkey.”