(I’ve worked at many different pools, but the number one complaint I get, no matter what pool I’m at, is that “the pool is too cold.” Some people don’t understand that a pool is not a bathtub, and we can’t turn up the heat on demand. Since the pool is so big, and filters gallons of water in and out, it literally takes days to cool down or heat up the pool. Furthermore, health and safety policies dictate that we have to keep the pool within a certain temperature range. My response to this complaint for years has been to explain these facts, and tell them what the temperature reading was at the last pool test. One day, at one of the biggest pools I’ve worked at, an elderly woman enters the pool and makes a big show of acting like she has just stepped into ice water.)

Patron: “The water is so cold today.”

Me: “The last temperature reading said 85 degrees.”

Patron: *confused* “What does that mean?”

Me: “Our policy aims to have our pool between 83 and 87 degrees in order to operate. We’re actually above the minimum level.”

Patron: “So, you have two more degrees to go.”

Me: “Uh, yes. Two more degrees until the maximum.”

Patron: “So, turn it up.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Patron: “It’s far too cold to be comfortable. Get someone to turn up the heat.”

Me: “Ma’am, if we turn it up too much, then the competitive swimmers could overheat.”

Patron: “You just said that you could go two degrees higher, so just go to the back and turn up the switch.”

Me: “Uh, I’m actually not trained to—”

Patron: “And hurry up; I’m only here for half an hour today.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but there is no way the heat will increase that much in so little time.”

(I’m about to explain to her why this is, when she sees a maintenance worker come onto the pool deck.)

Patron: “Oh, you’re useless. I’ll just ask [Worker]; he knows what to do.”

(She gets his attention and asks him what she asked me. I continue to guard, but I listen in, expecting him to say the same thing I did. To my surprise, I hear him say, “No problem,” and he walks away. The patron smiles smugly at me and begins her walking workout, while I stand there confused. Ten minutes later, he comes back, and I approach him before the lady sees him.)

Me: “Did you really turn up the heat for the pool?”

Worker: *smirks* “Oh, no, that’s just a line I shoot them so they’ll get off my back.”

(He then walks over to the lady.)

Worker: “How’s that?”

Patron: “Much better; thank you.”

(I have taught swimming lessons for many years, and have just started a program for swimmers with special needs. One family wishes to register their son, who is prone to violent outbursts, and was banned from swimming lessons because he choked a kid and held him under water. His parents chalk it up to his medical condition, and decide to try a one-to-one environment to see if it’s successful. His parents also want it during a busy lesson slot that his brother is in, when we really need extra instructors. They solely want this so they can attend a workout class. Luckily, it’s summer, so we’re able to get an extra instructor with no problem. After two lessons, I am having a hard time with him leaving the little pool or wanting to do any swimming. To make matters worse, he will not leave the water after the lessons are done until his parents show up. He is almost 12 and very strong, so we can’t physically move him. This is a problem, as his parents are often late, and we only have five minutes in between lessons. So, by the third lesson, I get a coworker to cover my next lesson so I can talk to his parents.)

Me: “He wouldn’t leave the kiddie pool again this time and threw a couple toys at other kids.”

Dad: “Oh, no, I’ll try to talk to him about that.” *starts to leave*

Me: “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that. Since this session is almost over, if [Child] wants to pass to the next level, it’s going to be hard to do that. I want to talk to you about what you want for him. If you just want his time occupied, then I can absolutely do that with no problem, but we’ll most likely be spending it in the little pool.”

Dad: “Oh, no, we don’t want that. We absolutely want him to progress.”

Me: “Then I’m going to have to ask that one of you be present during the lesson or come before the lesson is over to help get him out of the water.”

Dad: “Hmm, I’ll have to talk to my wife about it. We do go to an exercise class during this time.”

Me: “Even if we could just find you in case he’s acting out. It really helps when you’re present.”

Dad: “That could work; I’ll talk to my wife and let you know.”

(I don’t see him for the rest of the summer. Fast forward two more months: they show up randomly, expecting the lessons to continue, when they haven’t confirmed anything or responded to any of the calls or emails. Since my schedule has changed, I am not present when they try to accommodate the child with a new instructor, but I hear about it. Unfortunately, the child punches his new instructor and breaks her glasses. He then refuses to leave, and neither of the parents can be located. A meeting is held to potentially work out a compromise, and what really irks me is what the father says:)

Dad: “We just want him to be occupied while we work out. From 9 to 9:45am, he is your problem, not ours.”

(A word from the minimum-wage lifeguards you’re abusing, buddy: 1) the program was completely free for you to use, and we went above and beyond trying to accommodate you, 2) I offered you that EXACT option earlier, but it wasn’t good enough for you, and 3) try to open your eyes once in a while!)

(I’m working with a group of kids who are at the age and the level where they can either sink or swim. Once they develop more technique, I push how far they can swim to practice their endurance. On this day, they are doing a particularly long one for the promise of extra play time.)

Student: “What if I have trouble getting to the end?”

Me: “You won’t, I’ll be right beside you. If you are tired, I’ll grab you, and you can rest.”

Student: “How will you know I’m tired?”

Me: “It’s pretty easy to tell.”

Student: “What if you can’t tell?”

Me: “Tell you what, it you’re really scared, how about we have a safe word? So if you say it, I know you need help.”

Student: “Okay, what will that word be?”

Me: “Aaaaaaah!”

(The pool I work at has two accessible entrances. One is for patrons and has a cashier booth, the other is for staff, and goes through the manager’s office. Sometimes people start to come in through the patron door, but once they see people sitting inside they come up with a lame excuse and go to the staff entrance. I am sitting in the office on break chatting with one of the managers one day when a lady comes CHARGING through the staff entrance.)

Manager: “Excuse me, but this is the staff entrance. Please go in through the cashier booth.”

Patron: *continues charging through room, almost running over my coworker that is standing in the doorway* “Oops! Pardon me, I must have gone the wrong way! But my friend is on her way and I have to reserve our chairs!”

(She then proceeded to PUSH my manager out of the way so she could get through the door to the pool. The manager then proceeded to chase her down, all while she ignored him. It finally took four of us to surround her before she acknowledged our presence. We escorted her to the cashier booth where she paid, all while complaining about our terrible customer service. Then when her friend arrived she did the EXACT same thing.)

(I have a summer pass to a nearby public pool, and I go pretty often. During mid-June, I notice there is a woman and her baby who are there regularly. We don’t really talk, but I do make a few comments on how adorable her little girl is. The baby couldn’t have been more than a few weeks old. I saw her breastfeeding the baby a few times, but no one ever commented until one day in early July. Her baby starts crying, so the mother begins breastfeeding her. A man goes up to her, and just watches for a few seconds, then speaks to her.)

Man: “That is so disgusting. I can’t believe you’re doing that in public.”

Mother: “I’m just feeding my child.”

Man: “Well, at least don’t pull out your f****** t*ts in public! There are children here!”

Mother: “I’m not exposing anything, and I must feed my child. Please just mind your own bus—”

Man: *interrupting her* “I can see almost your entire t*t, you wh**e. So, if you can just whip out your t*t in public to feed that thing, does that mean I can whip out my d*** in public and—”

Me: *interrupting him, and VERY loudly* “YOU FEED SEMEN TO YOUR INFANT CHILDREN?!”

(Many people heard me, and almost all of them turned to look.)

Man: “What?! No. I would ne— I– I’ve never done— I wouldn’t do that.”

(He then scurried away, looking quite embarrassed.)

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