(A library patron comes to the desk with her laptop.)

Patron: “I’m having problems getting on the Internet.”

Me: “Well, if you’re connecting wirelessly, you need to log on to our network with your email address–”

Patron: “I know that! I’m not stupid. I put in my email and password and it won’t connect me!”

Me: “Okay, why don’t you try and log in here, and I’ll see if I can help.”

Patron: *logs on* “See! I enter everything and then it says Not Connecting You To The Internet. It’s been doing this for the past half hour… I keep closing it and trying again!”

Me: “Uh, that says Now Connecting You To The Internet…”

Patron: “No it doesn’t! It says Not Connecting You To The Internet!”

Me: “What’s that word?”

Patron: “Now!”

Me: “And the others?”

Patron: “Connecting You To The… erm. I have to go now.”

This story is part of the Refusing To Read roundup!

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(A woman is filling out a library card application.)

Librarian: “Ma’am, I need your middle name, as well.”

Woman: “Why?”

Librarian: “We have a lot of duplicate entries, so we’re required to ask for middle names now.”

Woman: “I don’t want to give you my middle name.”

Librarian: “Ma’am, I already have your social security number. Giving me your middle name won’t hurt.”

This story is part of our Identity Theft roundup!

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(I work at a library where people can come in to use the computer if they need to.)

Lady: “Excuse me. Could you help me? I’m having trouble with the computer.”

Me: “Sure, what’s the problem?”

Lady: “I can’t log on. It’s not taking my card.”

Me: “Huh, that’s weird. My computer says everything is okay. Let me go check.”

Lady: “I don’t know why it never works for me. The first time it came in it worked but every time after that it hasn’t! You guys always have problems with your computers. You should get that fixed as soon as possible!”

Me: “Alright then, let me see what you’re doing. Where’s your card?”

Lady: “It’s in the computer!”

Me: “What do you mean it’s in the computer?”

Lady: “There, in the computer! I put it in but it won’t log me on!” *points to the computer*

(I see it sticking out of where it obviously does NOT belong and take it out.)

Me: “No. That’s not how you log on. You see the numbers on the back of the card? Enter that into the computer, then your pin, and click log on.”

Lady: *looks at me confused* “Did you guys change this because that’s how it worked for me last time!”

Me: “No, that’s how it has always been. In fact, if you had looked at the screen, you would have seen that it tells you exactly what to do.”

Lady: “Don’t take that tone with me, young lady! Just log me on!”

(I logged her on to the computer, but since she was a b**ch to me, I kicked her off early.)

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Library Patron: “I need some help comparing heating prices.”

Me: “Okay, let me show you a website where you can compare the different gas companies.”

(I lead the patron to computer, and type in the website address.)

Me: “Here you go. Just type in your information.”

Library Patron: *looking at the keyboard* “These letters are all mixed up!”

Me: “Uh, well…”

Library Patron: “Have they always been like this?”

Me: “Only since the 1800s. Here, let me do the typing.”

(I’m checking out another patron’s books. Suddenly, a customer screams and points at me, in the process elbowing another patron out of the way.)

Library Patron: “WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE THE CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP OFF THE STOVE?!”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m helping someone right now….”

Library Patron: “You let it get all FATTY on the top!”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

(The library patron begins to cry.)

Me: “Why are you crying?”

Library Patron: “I don’t know, cuz dads are microwaving their kids and s***!”

Me: “…”