Me: “Good morning, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a large tea, with cream and sugar on the side.”

Me: “Okay, just to clarify, the cream and sugar are both on the side?”

Customer: “On the side means it’s not in the cup.”

Me: “Okay, so they’re both on the side?”

Customer: “ON THE SIDE MEANS THEY’RE NOT IN THE CUP!”

Me: “Okay, so you have cream and sugar on the side.”

Customer: “I DON’T WANT ANYTHING IN THE CUP!”

Me: “Okay, so you have a large black tea with cream and sugar on the side. That will be [price], and you can pick your tea up at the end.”

(I go make the drink, get the cream and sugar on the side, and give it to the customer.)

Me: “Okay, one large black tea with cream and sugar on the side.”

Customer: “So, there’s nothing in the cup, right?”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “I live in this area but I don’t know my postal code. What is the postal code for here? They will be similar… it’s just so I have an idea of what postal code is.”

Me: “I don’t know off by heart. If you give me a minute, I could look it up.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. How can you not know the postal code?! You WORK here!”

Me: “Um, sir, you don’t know the postal code to your own address and you LIVE here.”

(A customer orders a cold drink and a hot drink.)

Me: “Here’s your first drink.”

Customer: “Is this the hot or cold one?”

(She’s holding the cup in her hand at this point, which is very obviously warm to the touch.)

Me: *trying to not laugh* “That’s the hot drink. Your cold drink is coming right up.”

(At our cafe, the chefs occasionally put out a plate of food in the kitchen for everyone to nibble on when they have a moment of spare time. The chefs had put out a bowl of chips. Having a 10 second rest, I grab one chip. There happens to be a customer in front of the counter and he looks at me knowingly.)

Customer: “Calories.” *walks off*

(An upset customer approaches me, waving around a half-eaten bagel.)

Customer: “Who would put so much butter on a bagel?”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “Do you seriously think it needs this much butter? Seriously?”

Me: “You want less butter?”

Customer: “The bagel is hot! Butter melts, and it dripped all over my shirt! This is a $50 shirt and it’s ruined! Why would you put so much butter on this? It’s ridiculous!”

Me: “I’m sorry. Would you like a refund?”

Customer: “I’d like you to pay for this shirt, is what I want! Who in their right mind puts on so much butter? Does this seem reasonable to you? Seriously! Look at how much butter is on it!”

Me: “Well, you did ask for extra butter, ma’am.”

Customer: “It’s ruined my shirt! So who’s going to pay for it? I’m not going to!”

Me: “Let me get our supervisor.”

(The supervisor proceeds to speak kindly to her, smile meekly, nod, and say, “mhmm,” a lot. She then gives the customer a complaint form to fill out. Somewhat calmer, and believing the supervisor was on her side, the customer takes the form and starts walking out.)

Customer: “Well, I’ll try washing the shirt, then, but if the stain doesn’t come out, someone here is going to be paying for this shirt! Seriously! Who actually thinks a bagel needs that much butter?”

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