(I work in a Cyber Cafe, where the workers are allowed to use their laptops when they are on break. I am notorious around the store with both the customers and my coworkers, because I prefer to use a Mac rather than another type of computer. One customer comes in holding her Mac laptop and a USB.)

Customer: “Hey, you’re good with Macs, right?”

Me: “I like to think so, why?”

Customer: “I just recently got a Mac, and I’m transferring data over with a USB drive. This one doesn’t appear to be working.”

Me: “How so?”

Customer: “I plugged in this USB into the laptop, but it doesn’t recognize it.”

Me: “That seems odd; let me try another USB.”

(I try a spare USB lying around the workplace.)

Me: “This one works fine; let me see your USB for a moment.”

(The customer hands me her USB.)

Customer: “It’s probably the stupid laptop. Now I see why everyone hates Macs. It’s a stupid brand of computer, for stupid people.”

(The customer glares at me. I ignore it and flip over the USB, reading the bottom.)

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “This isn’t a USB.”

Customer: “Uh…”

Me: “It’s a Bluetooth transceiver.”

(The customer freezes, snatches the transceiver, and runs out of the cafe with her laptop.)

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(I have just finished preparing some drinks for a guest.)

Me: “Alright, I’ve got two caramel macchiatos, one hot, one over ice, ready at the bar!”

(I put both drinks down, one in a hot cup, the other in an iced cup.)

Customer: “Excuse me, young man.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Are these my drinks?”

Me: “Those are two caramel macchiatos, sir. One hot, one iced.”

Customer: “Oh… okay.”

Me: “Is there a problem with your drinks, sir?”

Customer: “Err… which one’s the hot one?”

(I physically pause for a few seconds, to see if he’s joking with me.)

Me: “The hot one’s the hot one. The one over ice has the ice in the cup.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks! I never know what fancy coffee drinks you people make nowadays.”

Boss: “911! 911!”

Me: “What?!”

Boss: “911! She needs the sandwich now!”

Me: “Are you saying the woman needs you to call 911 or…?”

Boss: “No! She needs the sandwich! 911 means fast, you know?”

Me: “911 means emergency.”

Boss: “Yeah, but it can also mean fast.”

Me: “I don’t think so.”

Boss: “I think so!”

Me: “Alright, then…”

(I’m the manager of a coffee shop. I’ve gone home for the day, leaving a student employee minding the shop. A few hours later, I get a call.)

Employee: “[Student Employee] hasn’t shown up. He’s an hour late and he isn’t answering his phone. I have to leave in a few minutes for my evening class.”

(The student employee is notoriously lazy. However, he just put in his two week’s notice yesterday and assured me that he would cover the rest of his shifts. I come in to cover and try to contact the prodigal barista. After leaving a voicemail on his cell, I call the number for his apartment and reach his roommate.)

Student Employee’s Roommate: “Oh, yeah, he’s out. Here’s a number for someone he’s with.”

(I call the student employee’s friend’s number and get the phone handed to him.)

Me: “[Student Employee], where are you? You were supposed to be here over an hour ago.”

Student Employee: “Oh, yeah…”

Me: “How soon can you be here?”

Student Employee: “Umm… I’m in [Town about a 45-minute drive away].”

Me: “So you’ll be here in the next hour? I opened today, and I’m opening tomorrow; I’m not closing for you.”

Student Employee: “Ooh! I can’t come in. I’m too drunk to drive!”

Me: “Come see me before I open tomorrow. We need to talk.”

(I end up closing the shop. While mopping, I psych myself up for my first ever experience with firing an employee. The student employee comes in about a half-hour after I open the shop the next morning.)

Me: “Are you sober?”

Student Employee: “Oh, I wasn’t really drinking; I just needed an excuse to get out of that shift. Thanks for covering me. What did you need to talk to me about?”

Me: “Thank you for making this process even easier.”

(Even after a 20-minute conversation, I don’t think he ever understood why he was being let go!)

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(A group of women have a weekly Bible study at our coffee shop. I am waiting on a young man in line.)

Customer: “You need to do something about those women over there. They can’t have a Bible study in a place like this.”

Me: “Yes they can. They come here every week, order coffee and pastries, and don’t disturb anyone.”

Customer: “Well, they are offending me! They shouldn’t be here!”

(The customer starts yelling.)

Customer: “SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE!”

Me: “Sir, please keep your voice down.”

Customer: “I demand to see your manager!”

(I get my manager, who has been observing this situation from the back room.)

Customer: “A coffee shop is no place for a Bible study. This is offensive!”

Manager: “These women have been meeting here for over five years. They have never caused any problem to anyone. Now give your order to the barista, and then leave.”

(The customer orders, and as he is leaving, walks by the women and knocks a Bible onto the floor. She picks it up, puts it back on the table and heads over to the counter. She thanks me and my manager for sticking up for them, and puts a $20 in the tip jar!)