Customer: “Can you help me find these treats in the large breed size?”

Me: “Sure!” *goes to shelf and finds treats*

Customer: “Good girl! Who’s a good girl? You’re a good girl!”

(I work in the deli section of my store. Lately, we have been having trouble getting supplies in stock.)

Me: “Where are all the trash bags?”

Coworker: “We don’t have any.”

Me: “Are you serious? Again?!”

Coworker: “Yup.”

Me: “I’m going to head over to the bakery and see if they have any.”

Coworker: “Not gonna work.”

Me: “Why not?”

Coworker: “[Baker] is working today. You know how he is. He never helps anybody out.”

Me: “I know how to handle him. Trust me.”

(The baker who’s working today happens to be a huge ‘Star Trek’ fan. I head over to the bakery and don’t see him as I proceed to grab a few trash bags, but then he shows up as I’m about to leave.)

Baker: “What the h*** do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “Getting bags.”

Baker: “No, you’re not. Put them back.”

Me: “We have zero bags at the deli.”

Baker: “Well, I have almost zero bags here. I can’t let you have any.”

Me: *deadpan, holding up a Vulcan salute* “It is only logical. The needs of the deli outweigh the needs of the few.”

(A few seconds pass.)

Baker: “HA HA! All right, all right. Take your stinkin’ bags.”

(I can still hear him cracking up as I walk away.)

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(My store has three registers. I am stocking a shelf when a customer stops in front of the registers.)

Customer: “Which register?”

Me: “I can ring you up on the second register, ma’am.”

Customer: *points to the third register* “That one?”

Me: “No, the second one.”

Customer: *points to the first register* “That one?”

Me: “No, ma’am, the second register. This one here, with the light on.” *points at the second register*

Customer: *angry* “Why isn’t this more clearly marked!? You should make it clearer which one is the one you’re on!”

(Despite what I’ve said, she still walks over to the third register and drops her items on the counter. I walk over to the second register and put in my code.)

Me: “I’ll take you over here, ma’am.”

Customer: “You should’ve said that before I put my stuff down!”

(I am a swimming teacher for mainly children under five. It is after the final lesson of the day. I am standing chatting to the parents. A young girl I have just been teaching walks up to me.)

Young Girl: “Excuse me. What are you doing?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Young Girl: “Why aren’t you in the pool?”

Me: “I don’t have anyone else to teach today. You were my last class.”

Young Girl: “But I thought you lived in the pool. Aren’t you a mermaid, miss?”

(I had to fight back the laughter as this little girl was completely serious, and was horrified to learn I didn’t live in the pool! It’s things like that that make my job worthwhile.)

(A customer comes in and presents me with a package. I immediately note that he has the delivery address in the place of the return address, by standard postal conventions.)

Customer: “I sent this package from here last week, and it came back to me.”

Me: “Sir, you have your addresses in the wrong places.”

Customer: “Why does it matter? Can’t the post office hire people who can read?”

Me: “They can read just fine, sir. However, they do try to move quickly to get your mail out on time, so they look at the second address.”

Customer: “That just means they’re stupid and they need to learn how to read. No wonder the post office is going out of business!”

Me: “Sir, standard postal addressing conventions have the return address on top, and the delivery address on the bottom, and this is what postal employees expect to see. You have your ‘To’ and ‘From’ backwards.”

Customer: “Oh, so now this is all my fault? They deliver it wrong and you tell me it’s my fault? I hope you don’t expect to keep business that way. I won’t be coming back. I’m going to UPS.”

Me: “Have a good day, sir!”

Next Customer: *having witnessed the entire exchange* “UPS is going to send it back to his house too!”

Me: *nods*

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