You Got Sat On By A Prankoppotamus

, , , , | Right | September 11, 2017

(Occasionally we get some folk calling the store just to prank us and waste our time, so on slow days, some of us, like me, try to see if we can beat them at their own game. Next to our registers are a collection of plush toys shaped like animals.)

Caller: “Yes, hi, I was wondering if you sell tigers.”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “Really?”

Me: *looking at one of our stuffed tigers sitting on a display across from my register* “His name is Bernie, and he’s about a year old.”

Caller: “Uh… what about rhinos?”

(Lo and behold, we have a rhino plushie too.)

Me: “We have Sarah; she’s around the same age.”

Caller: “Yeah… what about elephants?”

Me: “African or Indian? We have both.”

Caller: “What? Hold on… are you pranking me? ‘Cause I called in order to prank you… I think…”

Me: “You asked if we have animals. I’m telling you what your options are.”

Caller: “Yeah, but… I didn’t mean… uh… you know what, forget it! I’ve completely lost track of what’s going on here!” *click*

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Cuts No Ice With The Cashier

| Working | April 20, 2014

(It is a blistering hot summer and my mother doesn’t want to get out of the car’s A/C, but we need ice. So she gives me $10 and sends me into a local liquor store to pick some up. I am 18 at the time, but only buying ice.)

Cashier: “ID, please.”

Me: “Uh, I just want to buy this.” *holds out the $10*

Cashier: *visibly annoyed* “ID!”

Me: “I know you sell liquor mostly, but I’m just here for ice. I don’t have my ID on me.”

Cashier: “No ID, no sale!”

Me: “Uh… okay, then.

(I put the ice back and walked out to the car my mom laughed at me the whole way home. A few years later my 21st birthday card read ‘Congrats! You can now buy ice!’)

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Having A Loan Moan

| Right | May 14, 2015

(Often we have people wanting to pick up items that have been pawned in their spouses/parents/sibling’s name. This is possible; however the original ticket is required in order to avoid theft. Occasionally, if they don’t make it in by their due date the item is pulled for sale. If this happens and they come in and want it back, they are able to buy it back and we only charge them the loan amount plus interest.)

Customer: “I want to pick up my tablet but I don’t have the ticket.”

Me: “Okay, let me get your ID and I can look that up for you.”

(After several minutes of searching using her name and her ID number separately, I am unable to find said tablet.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, it doesn’t seem to be here. Could it be under anyone else’s name? Maybe a friend or relative?”

Customer: “No. It’s definitely in my name. Just go in the back and look for it.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. We do have a lot of tablets and I wouldn’t usually do this, but since it’s a slow day I can spare a few minutes to have a look.”

(After ten minutes of searching, I still can’t find the tablet.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t find it. Are you sure it was at our store?”

Customer: “It was definitely here and it was definitely in my name. Did you sell it? It wasn’t due!”

Coworker: “Could it be in your husband’s name?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(I look under her husband’s name and sure enough, there it is. Since she doesn’t have the original ticket, she is not able to pick it up.)

Me: “Well, it looks like we found it. Unfortunately, since it isn’t in your name and you don’t have the ticket, your husband will have to come in to pick it up.”

Customer: “THIS IS RIDICULOUS. HE IS MY HUSBAND! Well, I have some other things to pick up under my name. Another tablet and an Xbox One.”

(I look up her name again to find that the tablet was pulled a full two months ago. She loaned $200. That plus the interest for the full two month loan and the two months since it was pulled would have come to $360, but since it’s been a rough day already I decide to just charge her for three months, which comes to $320.)

Me: “Here’s the Xbox, ma’am. It looks like your tablet was pulled some time ago, as your last day of grace was two months ago. You can buy it back at $320, which is your loan amount plus three months of interest.”

Customer: “No. [Manager] said she would keep it for me and it would be $240 to buy it back.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, that would be the cost if you picked it up one month into your two month loan period. There’s no way I can give it to you for that, considering it’s been four months.”

(The customer then leaves with her Xbox One. Later, she returns with her husband, carrying the Xbox One box. They pick up the tablet that was in his name and do not mention the one that was pulled. They then call my manager over.)

Customer: “I picked up this Xbox but you stole my controllers. I need you to give me new controllers.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but it says in our system that we didn’t take in any controllers. I can call the employee who took it in to be sure though.”

(She calls the employee, who confirms that the customers took the controllers home with them.)

Manager: “I’m sorry but she did confirm that we never took in any controllers.”

Customer: “You stole my controllers! Call the police! I want my controllers!”

Manager: “If you like, we can get the footage from the cameras up. But even if we do see that you did not take the controllers with you, we won’t be able to replace them tonight. We are already closed and since we don’t have any Xbox One controllers in stock we’ll have to send someone to buy some tomorrow.”

(The customer begins shouting and screaming about wanting to play Xbox tonight. Eventually, her husband manages to convince her to leave. We did manage to find the footage, and she did take the controllers home with her. The next day, she came back in.)

Customer: “Do you have my controllers yet?”

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We were able to find the footage and you did take them with you. We won’t be able to replace your controllers as you never left them with us.”

Customer: “I CAN’T BELIEVE Y’ALL ARE TRYING TO STEAL FROM ME. YOU BETTER GET SOMEONE WITH EYES TO LOOK AT THAT VIDEO BECAUSE Y’ALL STOLE MY CONTROLLERS!”

(As she’s shouting, I hear my manager on the phone.)

Manager: “Okay, they’re sending someone to take a look.”

Customer: “Who?”

Manager: “The police.”

Customer: “OH, THAT’S HOW IT IS? YOU’RE GONNA CALL THE POLICE ON ME?”

(The customer RAN out the door, never to be seen again.)

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As Sick As A Parrot

, , , | Right | November 10, 2014

(My friend is a small-mammal handler at a zoo. Today, she’s taken a particularly docile ferret out to let visitors encounter it first-hand. A couple comes in with a young child. I’m standing in the background.)

Mother: “Ooh, look, the zoo lady’s got a baby raccoon!”

Father: “That’s some sort of weasel!”

Child: “Mom, I wanna see the octopus.”

Mother: “Let’s go see the nice lady with the raccoon.”

Father: “Weasel.”

(The mother gives the father a look and then approaches my friend.)

Mother: “‘Excuse me, miss, what kind of animal is that?”

Friend: “This is a ferret. Her name is [Name] and she’s very friendly. You can pet her if you take care to avoid—”

Father: “Parrot?! That’s a weasel!”

Friend: “It’s a ferret. They’re in the weasel family, like—”

Father: “You sure?”

Friend: “Yes, very sure. Ferrets are among—”

Father: “Let’s go see the octopus, [Child].”

(They leave in a hurry. Curious, I follow them outside.)

Father: “D*** thing must have been sick. Pretty irresponsible of them to expose us to a sick parrot.”

Child: “Ferret.”

Father: “We just saw the parrot. I thought you wanted to see the octopus.”

Child: “Daddy, is your hearing aid on?”

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The Return Of Captain Obvious

, , | Right | November 21, 2007

Customer: “What’s in the Chocolate Caramel Cashew?”

Me: “There’s really no way for me to answer that without sounding like a smart-a**.”

Customer: “Why? What’s in it?”

Me: “It’s chocolate ice cream… with caramel… and cashews.”

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