(I was working at the kiosk where we sell sweets and drinks when this transaction occurred with an old woman over the bottled water.)

Customer: “Is that water cold?”

Me: “Yes, it’s just out of the fridge.”

Customer: “I don’t see a fridge.”

(I gesture towards the fridge a few feet away from the kiosk.)

Customer: “Can’t I just have one out of there?”

Me: “Yeah, of course.”

(I fetch her one out of the fridge.)

Customer: “That doesn’t look too cold to me.”

Me: “…well, you can feel for yourself, if you like. It really is quite cold.”

Customer: “No. You do it.”

(I put my hand against the bottle and then pretend to flinch.)

Me: “You’re right, ma’am, it’s boiling hot. I’m very sorry about that.”

Customer: “I’ll just have a Coke then.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I’m hoping you have a particular red stone that I’m looking for…”

Me: “Oh, garnet?”

Customer: “No..”

Me: “Ruby?”

Customer: “NO! I want red! Those aren’t red!”

Me: “Um… yes, they are.” *shows garnet ring*

Customer: “Oh. Well, it’s a stone that sounds like it should be red.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I think it’s actually blue…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “What blue stones do you have that sound red?”

Me: “Um… topaz?”

Customer: “No, it’s not that one.”

Me: “Lapis?”

Customer: “No. Oh! Sapphire! It sounds like it should be red, you know?”

Me: “No… I’ve never thought that.”

Customer: “Well, it should be!”

Me: “…you know, there is a pink sapphire.”

Customer: “Oh. Who would want that?”

Me: “Not to worry, we don’t have any.”

Customer: “Any sapphires?”

Me: “No, any pink sapphires.”

Customer: “Well, that name should belong to a red stone anyway. They should think about these things when they name them. Who would I talk to about that?”

Me: “Adam?”

Customer: “Hi, I have a rather simple question to ask you.”

Me: “Sure thing. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Hypothetically speaking, if I wanted to make someone sleep for a really long time, what would I use?”

Me: “Um, just how long are you talking?”

Customer: “Well, I was thinking somewhere around forever.”

Me: “…”

(A guy comes in looking a bit haggard.)

Me: “Hi, sir! Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “Let’s move to the back of the store.”

(He takes my arm and we walk to one of the last shelves of the store.)

Customer: “I need a book on immortality.”

Me: “All right; we’ve got science fiction over here…”

Customer: “No, I need to research immortality. I’m immortal. See this scar on my neck? A guy cut me a couple days ago and it’s almost healed. I’m immortal.”

(I stare at the large cut on his neck that is laced together with stitches).

Me: “Um, I’m not sure if we have any books like that.”

Customer: “Well, can you buy me a sword from the store next door?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to do that.”

Customer: “I promise I’ll pay you back. I’ll give you my ID so you can track me down later and everything. I need a sword.”

Me: “Really, I could get fired for that.”

(The customer looks up and then starts sniffing the air.)

Customer: “They’re coming. I have to go!” *runs out of the store*

(I’m calling to clarify information on a form this guy sent in.)

Caller: “Do you realize I’m on the ‘Do Not Call During Dinner’ list!?”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry that–”

Caller: “You f****** insurance agents! Do you realize that [another insurance company] totally f***ed me over?! Do you realize how much money they cost me? Those f****** guys got put in jail and now I have to pay more money!”

Me: “Sir, this has nothing to do with–”

Caller: “I do not like being sold things during dinner!”

Me: “Sir, I am not trying to sell you anything–”

Caller: “All you f****** insurance people just want to roll me over and sodomize me!”

Me: “Sir, this is on behalf of your existing company, and it’s regarding a form you yourself sent in. I have it in front of me now and I just had a few questions.”

Caller: *totally friendly* “Oh! Well, why didn’t you say so?”

This story is part of the Customers With Wild Mood Swings roundup!

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