(I am meeting the daughter of one of my best friends for the first time. At this point, she is about one and a half. I buy her a plush USS Enterprise from ‘Star Trek,’ which prompts her father and I to discuss who was better, Kirk or Picard.)

Me: “Kirk!”

Friend: “Picard!”

Me: “There is only one way to settle this; let’s ask your daughter. Sweetie, who is better, Kirk or Picard?”

Friend’s Daughter: “Super Kirk!”

(We both have to agree with that!)

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(My manager’s boss is currently supervising everything. I have just started my shift, with only a single customer in the place and myself. The customer and a coworker who has just finished their shift are talking.)

Me: “I haven’t seen [friendly old customer’s name] in a while. Is he okay ?”

Customer: “Yeah he’s doing okay, but you know at 86 years old—”

Me: “He’s not running a marathon, ha ha.”

(We all start laughing and we keep talking.)

Manager’s Boss: *at the other side of the shop* “STOP TALKING!”

All Three Of Us: “What?”

Manager’s Boss: “You’re allowed to talk ONLY when the customer has left!”

Coworker: “But we’re talking WITH HIM!”

Manager’s Boss: “STOP!”

(We see the customer’s face change from friendly to REALLY annoyed.)

Customer: “The customer is not happy.”

Manager’s Boss: “I DON’T CARE! NOW STOP OR IT’S A DISCIPLINARY ACTION!”

Customer: “Wow, and I thought the priority was customer service.”

Manager’s Boss: “WHAT DID I SAY?!”

(All three of us look at each other in an awkward silence. My coworker suddenly shows us a sheet of paper where he has written ‘Have a good day!’ and runs out while we are trying to stop laughing since we were not allowed to speak.)

Manager’s Boss: “OKAY, THAT’S IT!”

(I get a disciplinary action, and later that day the same customer comes back to complain to the manager about the manager’s boss. The next day the customer calls corporate to make a real complaint. The manager’s boss says that it is my fault, since I didn’t explain it to her on that day. Now everyone who knows the story—and that’s a lot since the customer has got a lot of friends around—keeps asking if she’s ‘The Evil Queen’ who will stop them from speaking.)

(I’m selling train tickets, and we have a new hire for the summer. As I am on my break, the new hire calls me. There’s a small fee if you travel with a pet, and if you don’t have anything to carry this pet with you, we offer to sell a cage.)

New Hire: “Hey, there’s a traveler who wants a discount for his kid. Can I sell them the pet formula and the cage?”

Me: “Er… who is it for, an animal?”

New Hire: “Nope, it’s for the child. He’s 10 years old.”

Me: “Of course not! He’s a child, so he has to get the child fare, and that’s it.”

New Hire: “Oh, okay. I thought it’d work.”

Me: “Hi can I have [combo order]?”

Cashier: “Sure, that’ll be [price].”

(The cashier then shouts the order through to the back, and this is the response:)

Grill Worker: “I can’t do it captain! I don’t have the power!”

(I’m out driving, and I see there’s been an accident up ahead. There is a police officer on the scene. I slow down, and drive past, careful not to crowd anyone, when the officer waves me over.)

Me: *pulling over and rolling down my window* “Yes, officer?”

Officer: “Afternoon, miss. You are aware that you are required to stop at stop signs, correct?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Officer: “So, do you want to tell me why you didn’t come to a complete stop when you were going through that intersection?”

Me: “I didn’t see a stop sign, sir.”

Officer: “Well, I think you’ll find, if you look right over there—”

(The officer points back in the direction of the intersection. He stops short when he sees that the entire intersection is uncontrolled, with not a single stop sign in sight.)

Officer: “—there are no stop signs. Good eye. But remember for future reference!”

Me: “Yes, sir. For future reference, I will continue to stop at all stop signs! Thank you, officer.”

Officer: *somewhat embarrassed* “You’re welcome. You can be on your way, now.”