You Cannot Defy The Grand Tragus

(My older sister has what I consider a fairly modest number of piercings: two in each lobe, one tragus, and one industrial. On her wedding day, the following happens as she, our mother, our aunt, her other bridesmaid, and I — the maid of honour — are getting ready.)

Mother: “Okay, so, you’re taking out your extra piercings now, right?”

Sister: “Uh… no?”

Mother: “But you have to take them out!”

Sister: “What? Why?”

Mother: “You can’t get married with them in!”

Sister: “What on earth are you talking about? Of course I can.”

Mother: “What about the pictures? You can’t have those ugly things in your ears in the pictures! With your gorgeous dress and everything, it won’t look right!”

Sister: “They’re not ugly. I got them done because I like the way they look, and they’re staying in.”

Mother: “IT WON’T LOOK RIGHT. Take them out right now!”

(She starts reaching for my sister’s ears, which is brave, considering Sis is naturally a good six inches taller than her, and even more so with her high heels on. I quickly step between them.)

Me: “Mom, calm down. [Sister] and [Brother-in-Law] will look so happy and so great in the photos you won’t even think about what anybody’s wearing.”

(To my surprise, Mom bursts into tears.)

Mother: “I don’t want to have to look at those pictures with my beautiful baby’s face all messed up!”

Aunt: “[Sister], just take them out. Can’t you make your mother happy for one day?”

Sister: “Um, hello?! It’s my wedding! Can’t she relax for one day and worry about making me happy?!”

Aunt: “Well, I mean, it is a formal occasion.”

Me: “[Cousin] has nipple piercings and she got married in a Catholic church; I don’t see why [Sister]’s tragus is such a big deal.”

(This statement is apparently enough to stun both my mother and my aunt into brief silence, so I gently collect them both by the arms.)

Me: “Why don’t you two go downstairs and see if anyone’s arrived yet?”

(I basically shoved the two of them out the door before Mom could start crying again.)