(I work at a reception desk and am often handed lost property. An employee approaches me with a car key.)

Employee: “I’ve just emailed you a picture of a car. I found these keys in the door.”

(After sending the email to the staff, Employee and I realize the keys may not belong to a person that works in our building, as we share parking spaces with other businesses. Employee writes a note and leaves to stick it on the car. Meanwhile I take a closer look at the keys.)

Me: *to Employee when he comes back* “These keys have an address and home phone number attached to them.”

Employee: “Really?”

Me: “As well as another key that’s probably to their house. I’ve just realised that if we were less that honest people, we’d have everything we need to break into their house.”

Employee: “Oh, my god.”

Me: “We could even call ahead to make sure no one’s home.”

Solicitor: “Ma’am, I’m calling about a special deal we have for your book! You can have a sky banner on [Well-known Reading Website]. It will be right there, and people can get information on your book with no more than nine clicks! You will make 20% on each sale!”

Me: “How many books would you expect me to sell that way, and what does the banner cost?”

Solicitor: “You could sell up to 25 books a month, and the banner is only $524!”

Me: “So for ‘only’ $524, I can make $48?”

Solicitor: “But think of the exposure you’ll get! One of our authors just won the Cannes award for best movie after her book made the best-seller list! This is invaluable!”

Me: “You do know that my book is a how-to book on RV-ing? I doubt that anyone will make a movie about it.”

(My mother-in-law is visiting a local fast food restaurant that sells key tags for $1 during the summer and in exchange you get a free small frozen treat with any purchase. This happens in late April. The cashier is an older gentleman in his late 60s.)

Mother-In-Law: *after giving an order at the counter* “We would like to also purchase two key tags.”

Cashier: “We don’t have them.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, we will just have to get them next time.”

Cashier: “We won’t have them then, either.”

Me: *confused* “Okay, I guess we missed buying one? When did you stop selling them?”

Cashier: “We don’t have anymore. We don’t have any in the back either.”

Me: “That’s fine but when did you stop selling them? We didn’t see them advertised this year so we didn’t know.”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I don’t know what to tell you. We don’t have anymore.”

Me: “I see this is going nowhere. If I could just have our total I’ll go ahead and pay for her and me.”

Cashier: “Would you like your total with or without the tags?”

Me: “…Without.”

(We never did figure out when they stopped selling them!)

(Our small town is located in a “Dry County” which means any business in the county cannot have alcohol for sale. The locals know this but people from out of town and tourists don’t. As such, we get several people (usually already inebriated) asking us where our beer section is. Tired of trying to argue with drunk people that we don’t have one, I made up this excuse.)

Customer: “Where’s your beer section?”

Me: “Oh, it’s up on the second floor.” *our store is only one floor*

Customer: “Okay!”

(This works about 90% of the time and the customer will spend up until 30 minutes trying to find the stairs to the second floor before finally becoming sober enough to realize I tricked them.)

(My three-year-old daughter wants candy while out shopping, so I give her a dollar and tell her to pick out just one. She takes one piece of taffy to the counter to ask how much it is.)

Daughter: “How much is just one candy, please?”

Busy Cashier: *thinks a moment* “You know what, if you can wait until you get back out in the hallway, you can have it for free. As a present.”

Daughter: “Wow! Thank you!”

(We leave and continue shopping elsewhere, and it’s not till later I realize it was probably easier for the busy cashier to write one taffy off as shrinkage rather than work it out by pound!)