Customer: “Where is your jewelry?”
Me: *standing behind three counters full of jewelry* “Right here, ma’am.”
Customer: “No, the jewelry on sale!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but we aren’t having a sale on jewelry this month.”
Customer: “But I was here in July and it was on sale.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am, and now it’s November and it’s not on sale.”
Customer: “Well can’t you give me the sale prices, anyway?”
Me: “Ummm, no.”
Customer: “Yeah, my son really likes this one band that has a really popular song out right now.”
Me: “Okay…”
Customer: “Well, I don’t know the name of their album, their band name, or the name of the song but the tune is like this: ‘ba ba bee da dum dum baaa.'”
Me: “…”
Customer: *not very happy with me* “Do you have any clue what I’m talking about?”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but we can’t really look up ‘ba ba bee da dum dum baaa’ in our computer.”
Customer: “Don’t be a smart a** with me, missy.”
Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, I’m not trying to be a smart a**, I’m just saying there isn’t really any way I can help you unless you have some information I can look up.”
Customer: *yelling* “NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I EVER BEEN TREATED SO DISRESPECTFULLY AT SOME BULLS*** BOOK STORE! EVERY TIME I COME HERE YOU AND YOUR CO-WORKERS ACT AS IF IT’S SUCH A CHORE TO HELP CUSTOMERS!”
Me: *trying really hard not to laugh* “Would you like me to call my manager?”
Customer: “YES!”
(I page my manager. We have several, but I luck out and get the good one)
Rad manager: *irritated because she was busy* “Is there a problem?”
Customer: “Yes, the…”
Rad manager: “No, I wasn’t talking to you.”
Customer: “Well!”
Me: “She wants me to look up a song using only the tune.”
Rad manager: *laughs*
Customer: *again, yelling* “IS IT SO HARD TO ASK FOR A LITTLE HELP OR DO YOU NOT OFFER THAT FOR FREE? ALL I NEED FROM YOU IS THE BAND NAME THAT SINGS THAT ONE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS, ‘BA BA BEE DA DUM DUM BAAA’! IT ISN’T THAT HARD TO FIGURE IT OUT!”
Me: “So go home and figure it out and give us a call.”
Customer: “I will never shop here again! I’m taking my business to [Competitor]!”
Rad manager and Me: “Okay. Bye.”
Me: “So, what can I get you?”
Homeless Person: “I’m pretty hungry so I guess I’ll have…” *stares at the menu*
(Three minutes later:)
Me: “I’ll come ba–”
Homeless Person: “I want some toast!”
Me: “Okay, toast is all. I’ll be right back.”
Homeless Person: “Yeah, that’s what I want… French toast.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Homeless Person: “I want some French toast. How much does that cost?”
Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t have French toast.”
Homeless Person: “Then what do you have?”
Me: “Um… toast?”
Homeless Person: “Toast? What’s that?”
*long pause*
Me: “Warm, crunchy bread, sir.”
Homeless Person: “Yeah, bring me some white, warm, crunchy bread!”
This story is part of our Stupid Eaters roundup!
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(A customer wanders down the paint aisle where I’m working and asks for advice on which paint to use. I tell him, and he asks for the differences between brands)
Me: “[Brand #1] is just a bit thicker than [Brand #2]. But other than that, they’re pretty much the same.”
Customer: “What do you mean, ‘thicker’?”
Me: “The paint has a thicker consistency.”
Customer: “I don’t understand.”
Me: “Do you know what cake batter looks like? And water?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Cake batter is thicker than water, like [Brand #1] is thicker than [Brand #2].”
Customer: “[Brand #1] is cake batter?”
(It went on like this for a while. I end up leaving him there to contemplate)
This story is part of the Home Improvement roundup!
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Me: *answering phone* “Welcome to the award-winning [Hotel]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “I would like a room.”
Me: “And when would you be arriving, sir?”
Caller: “Huh?”
Me: “When do you want the room?”
Caller: “Oh! Tonight…”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are completely booked tonight. Would you like me to provide the number of a nearby establishment?”
Caller: “You have no rooms? Can’t you just give me one of the emergency rooms?”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have any rooms like that. We sell our rooms until we are out. We don’t keep any rooms for ’emergencies.'”
Caller: “Oh. You have suites, too, don’t you?”
Me: “Yes, we do, but we are completely booked, so there are no rooms available, every kind.”
Caller: “No rooms?”
Me: “No rooms.”
Caller: “No suites?”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We have no rooms of any kind, suite or otherwise. Now, unless you want to book a room for another night, I am going to have to hang up.”
Caller: “No rooms?”
(*click*)
