(It is the early 1970s. I make a key for a guy who lost his car keys in the mall parking lot.)

Me: “Well, that will be $10.00 for the key and labor, but another key will be only 79 cents.”

Customer: “Ah, no, man, I need my money to get my weed.”

(A week later, same deal. I have to go out in the rain and make the same guy another key.)

Me: “Well, I’m sure that now you will get an extra key?”

Customer: “Ah, no, man, I need my money to get my weed.”

(I could spot a trend, so I made another key anyway and hung it up in the shop. Over the next six months he was back a dozen times. Each time I just copied the key hanging in the shop and charged him for the lock-work and the key. He never bought a second key. I guess the weed finally got him.)

(At a library, completely surrounded by books…)

Me: “Hi, how can I help?”

College Student: “Where are the books that you can, like, read?”

Me: “…”

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I wanna know if you have any Y’s in stock?” *pronouncing it ‘Why’*

Me: “Y’s? I don’t know what that is.”

Customer: “The Y’s! You know, the Y’s!”

Me: “You mean the Wii?”

Customer: “Yeah, whatever.”

Me: “Congratulations! Because you’ve spent over $30 on our beauty products you can receive a complimentary tote bag. Would you like it in black or brown?”

Customer: “What’s a tote bag?”

Me: *holds up bag* “It’s a bag. Rather large… You can put things in it. It comes in black or brown.”

Customer: “Oh, well, that’s nifty, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yes, it is, ma’am. Would you like it in black or brown?”

Customer: “How much does that cost?”

Me: “Normally, $14.99, but yours is complimentary because you spent over $30 on beauty products.”

Customer: “Oh, I wouldn’t pay $15 for that!”

Me: “You don’t have to pay for it.”

Customer: “Why not?”

(Other customers are beginning to become aggravated by this woman’s stupidity so I call up another cashier.)

Me: “…because it’s complimentary.”

Customer: “Oh, why’d you call up [Coworker]?”

Me: “Because the other customers are waiting.”

Customer: “Waiting for what?”

Me: “Waiting to pay for their items. Now, would you like your free bag or not?”

Customer: “I don’t like your tone, young lady!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m just a little late for my break. Now, would you like your FREE tote bag?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s free?”

(This exchange went on for about ten more minutes, as the woman had to go through about five different cards until she found one she could use… making me fifteen minutes late for my fifteen minute break. Rest assured, she eventually learned the meaning of complimentary.)

Me: “Is she your biological child?”

Customer: “No, no, she’s natural. No scientific stuff.”