(I work at an electronic cigarette store. The amount of people who know nothing about their devices astonishes me. An e-cigarette tank requires a coil to heat up the juice in order to make it into vapor.)

Me: “Hey there. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a coil.”

Me: “Okay, for what kind of tank?”

(The customer points at a battery device, not a tank.)

Customer: “It’s for something like this.”

Me: “Well, that’s just the device that powers the tank; which one do you have for that device?”

Customer: “A tank.”

Me: “What kind of tank?”

Customer: *starting to get mad* “A tank for e-juice.”

Me: “Okay, do you remember the brand of the tank?”

Customer: “It’s an Aspire tank.”

Me: “Okay, which kind of Aspire tank?”

(We have about six different tanks from that one company.)

Customer: “Aspire.”

Me: “Which one?”

Customer: “ASPIRE!”

Me: “Okay, let me show you all the coils we carry from that company.”

Customer: *looks at them* “I don’t know what one goes into it.”

(He finally just picks one and leaves. About an hour later he comes back, screaming at me for a refund.)

Customer: “YOU SOLD ME THE WRONG ONE, AND I WASTED ALL MY JUICE, AND IT POURED ALL OVER THE PLACE!”

(He brought his device in, and it wasn’t even the Aspire brand.)

(I manage a smoke shop in a small town. We sell glass pipes and other smoking tools. I sell a water-pipe to a younger guy and he comes back in a few days later with some friends. He basically wants me to figure out why the water-pipe isn’t working, but he didn’t bring it with him. Usually, I have to see something to fix it, and it’s almost always a simple fix. This is an extremely easy fix.)

Customer: “My water-pipe won’t let me pull any air through.”

Me: “It might have a clog; did you do anything to it?”

Customer: “I haven’t used it yet. I took it home, put water in it, and stuck it in my freezer.”

(His friends start laughing. I stop him and explain what happens to water when you freeze it. He doesn’t get it at first until I say:)

Me: “It was a liquid; now it’s a solid.”

(His friends knew the whole time and they still let him come in to get my “professional” opinion. He was actually lucky his brand new water-pipe didn’t crack.)

(I own a vape shop that sells about 200 flavors of e-juice, which customers can sample before purchasing. My employee working today is doing his best to help a difficult elderly customer.)

Customer: “What does the strawberries & cream taste like?”

Employee: “Well, it has a fresh strawberry flavor with a taste of sweet cream.”

Customer: “Does it taste like strawberries?”

Employee: “Well, yes…”

Customer: “Does it have berries in it?”

Employee: “It is an artificial flavoring, so not actual berries, but it does have the flavor of…..”

Customer: “Ew, no! I hate berries! No berries! Take the berries out!”

Employee: “Sir, we have plenty of other flavors you can try. I can not take the berries out of this one”

Customer: “Well why the h*** not?! I want the strawberries & cream without the berries!”

Employee: “I do have a plain cream flavor if you’d like to try it.”

Customer: “NO! I want this one without the berries! You don’t even listen… You know what… This one here says raspberry lemonade. I’ll just take that”

Me: “Sir, a raspberry is a… Never mind. Great choice. Your total is [total]. Have a great day!”

(The cigar shop sells hookahs and tobacco for it. It’s called sheesha.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. I’m looking for hookah tobacco. It’s called… uh… ganja?”

Me: “This is the only hookah tobacco we sell.”

Customer: “Thank you!”

(As I am ringing him out, it suddenly occurs to him what he had asked for.)

Customer: “Oh, my God! Did I just ask you for weed?”

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(In the state of California in 2010, it is legal to sell water pipes, hookahs, bubblers, all ‘for tobacco use only.’ We also cannot sell anything if a customer even hints at using marijuana.)

Customer: *showing his ID* “Wow, you guys are strict, huh?”

Me: “We have to check the IDs of everyone who comes in here. It’s store policy.”

Customer: “You’re being careful, huh?”

Me: “I have to be, because the laws are so strict. It’s very delicate. If someone says just one wrong word, I have to ask them to leave the store.”

Customer: “So, how much is that bong there?”

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