(A customer is sitting in front of a display, reading a book.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you can’t sit in front of our displays.”

Customer: “I have to sit here because the customers over there are sending me bad energy.”

Coworker: “Uh, okay…”

(Coworker walks over to me.)

Coworker: “Your turn.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you can’t sit in front of our displays.”

Customer: “I’m not low-class you know!”

(I walk away stunned. After a while, the customer finally gets up and walks toward the cashier.)

Customer: “I have a complaint about two of your staff members. They called me low-class. I’m not low-class–I’m almost forty!”

Guest: “I’d like to return this toaster.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, do you have a receipt for the purchase dated within ninety days?”

Guest: “No.”

Me: “Okay, well you can’t return it then. However, if you have an ID you can exchange it for an item of equal or lesser value from the same department.”

Guest: “But I don’t want to exchange it. I want my money.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry but if you don’t have a receipt, you can’t return the item.”

Guest: “[Other Store Name] would take it back!”

Another Guest In Line: “Excuse me, I work there and, no we wouldn’t!”

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(An intensely inebriated individual entered our store with two women in tow, one pushing a baby carriage, wearing a Jordan jersey, sunglasses, and sporting gold fronts.)

Customer: “CRACKAS STINK! THIS STORE STINKS! CRACKA STORE STINKS!”

Me: *falls over laughing*

Customer: “GOOD LORD IT STINKS! SHE GOT PURPLE HAIR, I BET IT STINKS!”

Women With Him: “Shut up! Shut up! I’m sorry, he doesn’t–SHUT UP! ”

Me: *rolls around with glee*

Customer: “STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!”

(And from then on I am known as stinky hair.)

Scary Old Lady: “You b******s better give me a refund!”

Me: “Er… okay. What seems to be the problem?”

Scary Old Lady: “I was drunk when I bought this! GIVE ME A F****** REFUND!”

Me: *blink blink*

Me: Thank you for calling [Retail Store], what can I help you with?

Lady: “Yes, I was wondering if you had any TV’s that were in your ad.”

*I remember selling the last one a few moments ago*

Me: “I’m sorry, we have no more left in stock.”

Lady: “Why?”

Me: “Because I sold the last one a few moments ago.”

Lady: “Why would you do something like that? I wanted one.”

Me: “Well thats what we do here, we sell things. We may get some more in tomorrow. You could call tomorrow morning and ask to put one on hold.”

Lady: “Okay, I’d like to do that now.”

Me: “I can’t do that, we don’t have any now. I meant to try again tomorrow.”

Lady: “Okay. The name is Johnson.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t have any more of the TV’s that were on sale to put on hold. I don’t understand why you are not grasping that. We have zero TV’s that you want. I have several other models that are not on sale you can choose from.”

Lady: “I would like the one in your ad to be put on hold under my name.”

Me: “Ma’am, we are sold out of that model!”

Lady: “Okay. I’ll come pick it up later today.”

Me: “Ma’am, I sold the last TV before you called!”

Lady: “Why?”

Me: *click*