(I work in a company that sells landscaping materials. You know… rock, dirt, compost, etc. This is a phone conversation I had.)

Me: “Hello, [Company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, I had a question about compost.”

Me: “We have two kinds. Mushroom compost and chicken compost.”

Customer: “Well, I want to know what is compost.”

Me: “The mushroom compost is a mixture of horse manure, peat moss, gypsum, oyster-shell lime, straw, and composted rice hulls. The chicken–” *customer cuts me off*

Customer: “No, I mean…what is compost?”

Me: “Decomposing organic matter?”

Customer: “I see… What do you mean by ‘decomposing organic matter’?”

Me: *wondering if this is a prank call by now* “As in organic matter that is breaking down in a natural process…”

Customer: “What is ‘organic’?”

Me: “Okay. What do you think happens when you throw your coffee grounds, apple cores, and other scraps into a huge pile with animal manure?”

Customer: “…it starts to stink.”

Me: “Because it’s decomposing.”

Customer: “…but what is ‘decomposing’?”

Me: “It’s rotting.”

Customer: “…and we put this in our gardens?”

Me: “Ironic, isn’t it?”

Customer: “Okay, so what do you mean by ‘matter’?”

(I’m sure you can all figure out how this conversation went at this point. Twenty minutes of my life I will never have back.)

This story is part of our Houseplant roundup!

Read the next Houseplant roundup story!

Read the Houseplant roundup!

(This is why it’s good to check inside the box when someone returns something.)

Me: “Okay, sir, what’s wrong with the XBox 360?”

Customer: “Oh, it just doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay.”

(Policy indicates that I have to open it up. I look inside and there is a Sega Saturn with a couple of old stereo parts.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, this isn’t what supposed to be inside here.”

Customer: *fumbling for words* “Oh… oh… uh… that isn’t it. I have the real one at home. I’ll just get it…”

(The customer picked up the box and walked away, never to be seen again. All the while, I sat back laughing.)

This story is part of the Lying-Customers-Getting-Caught roundup!

Read the next Lying-Customers-Getting-Caught roundup story!

Read the Lying-Customers-Getting-Caught roundup!

Customer #1: “We would like to exchange these items.”

(They hand over an unopened video game controller and sealed games.)

Me: “Do you have your receipt?”

Customer #1: “No, we just want to do an exchange!”

Me: “I am unable to do a return without a receipt verifying you purchased your items at this store.”

Customer #2: “We don’t want to do a return; we want to do an exchange!”

(Our store also buys used video games and accessories so I think maybe that is what they’re trying to do)

Me: “Without a receipt, the only thing I can do is buy these from you, but you won’t get the full retail price. Is that what you’re trying to do?”

Customer #1: “NO! I want to do an exchange!”

Me: “Then I’ll need a receipt.”

(The customer sits there for a minute and finally produces a receipt.)

Me: “Thank you. I’m going to return these items and when you find what you want in the store, just bring it up to the counter.”

Customer #2: “WE CAN’T DO A RETURN, IT HAS TO BE AN EXCHANGE! IT CAN’T GO BACK ON THE CREDIT CARD!”

Me: “Just go and pick out the items you want and if there is money left over we’ll give you a store credit.”

Customer #2: “BUT IT CAN’T GO ON THE CREDIT CARD! YOU CAN’T RETURN THE ITEMS!”

Me: “We have to return them to keep our inventory up to date.”

Customer #1: “WE JUST SAID WE CAN’T RETURN THEM! WE NEED TO EXCHANGE THEM!”

Me: “I’m trying to explain to you that it is a corporate policy to return items, not exchange them, but that does not mean the money goes on your credit card. We can give you store credit.”

Customer #1: “So you guys are somehow different from every other store on the planet? Every other store does exchanges but not you.”

Customer #2: “IT CAN’T GO ON THE CREDIT CARD.”

Me: “Listen, you are over-thinking this–”

Customer #1: *cutting me off* “MAYBE YOU ARE UNDER-THINKING THIS! I TOLD YOU I WANT TO DO AN EXCHANGE. I’M GOING TO THE STORE I BOUGHT THIS FROM! THEY’LL DO AN EXCHANGE!”

Me: “You can take these items to any [Store] you want. We all have the same policy.”

Customer #2: “NO, YOU’RE JUST STUPID!”

(They left the store, Half an hour later, I got a call from the store down the street laughing and thanking me for sending over such *lovely* customers.)

(Note: our bathrooms decided to back up and so we had to lock them.)

Customer: “Can you unlock the bathroom?”

Me: “Sorry, they are out of order.”

Customer: “What do you mean!? I need to go!”

Me: “The bagel shop next door has a bathroom that they’ll be glad to let you use.”

Customer: “There used to be a day when the customer was always right!” *storms off*

Me: “Good Evening, [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I just told you how you can help me!”

Me: “No, sir, you were speaking to someone in admin; they put your call through to me. If you could repeat your query I’ll be happy to help.”

Caller: “But I just told you what I wanted. I’m not repeating myself!”

Me: “Then I’m sorry, I can’t help you then.”

Caller: “Fine!” *hangs up*

This story is part of the Customers Suffering The Consequences Of Their Own Actions roundup!

Read the next story!

Read the roundup!