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A Big Flop

| Related | September 12, 2012

(There is only one boy cousin in a family of all girls. The boy is the youngest and always tries to fit himself into the conversation, or answer questions even if he doesn’t know what we’re talking about. We hear an advertisement for viagra on the radio.)
Me: “Uncle, does viagra work?”
Uncle: “I don’t know. I don’t use it.”
Me: *to another aunt* “Auntie, does viagra really work?”
Boy cousin: “Yeah, it does.”
(I look at him confused as he’s only ten years old, and from his tone of voice I know he’s got no idea what I’m talking about.)
Me: “How do you know?”
Boy cousin: “Because I use it all the time.”
(We still make jokes about it and make sure to tell all his girlfriends he’s been taking viagra since he was ten.)

Save The Day, Get The Girl, Part 2

| Romantic | August 21, 2012

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I am at a birthday house party, and a few of us are talking in the kitchen when one of the guys suddenly goes stiff.)

Guy: *gurgling* “Oh, God!”

(The guy collapses in an epileptic seizure. I manage to catch him before his head hits the floor, but he can’t breathe and I only have two hands. As if I’d summoned him through willpower alone, a blonde guy comes out of nowhere and opens the guy’s mouth and his airway. The guy inhales and starts to convulse less. A few minutes later he regains consciousness, and we manage to get him to his room where he can lay down and have some water and his medication. The birthday girl comes up with a question.)

Birthday girl: “Does he want any cake? If he’s sick, he doesn’t have to wait in line!”

(After I face-palm, I get a ride home. I didn’t even find out the blonde guy’s name until I saw him randomly at a restaurant a few weeks later. The blonde and I have now been dating for almost two years!)

Punch Drunk Love

| Romantic | June 29, 2012

(I’m at a party with a couple of friends, when we see a mutual friend of the host. Her boyfriend is being really openly cruel and rude to her. We see them arrive separately, so I approach to offer to help when it is clear she wanted to leave.)

Me: “Can I offer to walk you to your car?”

Friend: “Sure, thank you.”

Boyfriend: “You can’t leave until I say you can leave! You didn’t ask my permission!”

Friend: “Oh, why don’t you go bench press something, and leave the rest of us alone?” *to me* “Shall we?”

Me: “Certainly.”

(At that point, he reaches out and punches her hard in the back. I hear everyone fall silent, and I moved to actually hit him myself, but she puts a hand on my chest and shakes her head.)

Friend: “Won’t you excuse me?”

(She turns around and slugs him right in the face, so hard that he falls back into the pool.)

Friend: *to me, grinning* “Now we can leave.”

My Other Friend: *quietly to me, as I’m following her out* “If you don’t ask that woman out, I’m going to, because that was amazing.”

(That was four years ago. We’re getting married.)

Putting The Relation Into Relationship, Part 3

| Romantic | May 11, 2012

(I’ve taken my boyfriend to a party, where he’ll be meeting a big group of my old college friends for the first time. While I’m gay, most of my buddies are straight, although I’ve been out to them for years.)

Friend: “So hey, I really like your boyfriend!”

Me: “Thanks!”

Friend: “At first I didn’t even know he was gay. And then I saw you guys holding hands, so I figured he was your brother.”

(I am speechless.)

Friend: “But then I realized…”

Me: “I need you to stop talking now.”


The Definition Is Mutually Beneficial

| Romantic | March 30, 2012

(My brother is at a staff Christmas party where the girl he is interested in is also at. As they are dancing, she pulls him to a quiet corner to talk.)

Girl: “So, we have been great friends for some time. Over the past few months, my feelings for you have grown deeper, and I am starting to care for you more than a friend. Is the feeling mutual?”

Brother: *with an earnest tone* “No.”

Girl: “Oh…okay.”

(She turns around and starts walking away, dejected. My brother becomes very confused.)

Brother: “Wait, what does mutual mean again?”

Girl: *laughing* “The same.”

Brother: “Oh! Then yes, the feeling is mutual!”