(My nieces and I are discussing naming inanimate objects while at a family picnic. My sister is listening but doesn’t have a filter between her brain and mouth. My nieces are adults and are fed up with being embarrassed in public by their mother.)

Me: “My car is called Lucy.”

Sister: *loudly* “Hahaha, my vibrator is called Bob.”

Me: “Ewww, that’s sick.”

Sister: *again, loudly* “What, you have a problem with me having and naming a vibrator? BAHAHAHA!”

Me: “No, I have no problem with that, just the fact that you named it after Dad.”

Sister: “BAHAH… What do you mean, named it after Dad? His name is Robert.”

Me: “And he is also known as what?”

Sister: “Oh… s**t.” *goes red, shuts up, and walks off*

Niece: “BAHAHA. Finally, someone got her to shut up.”

(It’s my birthday, and all my friends and family are there. When they hand me their gifts everyone notices that my girlfriend doesn’t have anything for me.)

Girlfriend: “Oh! It’s a surprise for tonight!”

(Everyone gives me a smile and a wink and the party goes on. That night she hands me a wrapped gift. It’s the book “She comes first – the thinking man’s guide for pleasuring a woman.” That’s the ONLY thing she gave me.)

(Our group of friends is at a big house party. We are an eclectic bunch, a mix of of guys and girls, gays and straights. I walk up to some of the gay guys in the group mid-conversation.)

Friend #1: “So you’re a gold-card-gay!”

Friend #2: “I guess I am.”

Friend #3: “Me, too!”

Me: “A gold-card what?!”

Friend #1: “The gay guys here who’ve never had sex with a woman are called the gold-card gays. They’ve been loyal members their whole lives.”

Friend #2: “I’ve never had sex with a woman. I’ve never even been near a vagina.”

Me: “What about when you were born?”

Friend #2: “Oh, well, I guess that’s the only exception.”

Friend #3: “Wait, I was a C-section.”

Friend #1: “Oh, my God! You’re a platinum-card gay!”

(I am attending a work party. We are allowed to bring plus-ones so I have brought along my male friend. My colleague brings her boyfriend. My friend and her boyfriend have been getting on very well and have been talking for ages. My friend has wandered off to get something. It should be noted that compared to most people in my office, I am very “geeky.”)

Colleague: “Okay, so, now that we know [Boyfriend] and [Friend] get on, I’m going to do the really awkward introductory thing so that you get to know [Boyfriend]. [My Name], [Boyfriend] likes comics. [Boyfriend], [My Name] likes comics.”

Boyfriend: “Awesome! You do?”

Me: “I do?”

Colleague: “Er, don’t you?”

Me: “Um… they’re all right. I mean, if you give me one, I’ll read it. But I don’t go out of my way to read them, and even then, it’s usually manga.”

Colleague: “Oh. Well, this is embarrassing. I could have sworn you said you liked comics.”

Me: “Like I said, I don’t dislike them; I just don’t really read them. That being said, [Friend] reads them.”

(My friend happens to walk up to us at that point.)

Friend: “What do I read?”

Me: “Comics. Apparently, [Boyfriend] does, too.”

Friend: “You do? Awesome! Which ones?”

(My friend and my colleague’s boyfriend immediately launch into a long discussion about comics.)

Colleague: “So… that didn’t work. They’re just talking to each other again.”

Me: “Hey, at least they’re making new friends!”

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(I’m sitting with a group of friends from college at a bridal shower tea party. It’s been awhile since we’ve all gotten together.)

Friend: “I think some of your scone just went down your shirt.”

Me: *glances down* “I’ll eat it later.”

Friend: “I’ve missed us.”