(My sister is getting married and my girlfriend goes along to her Hen Night (Bachelorette Party), which coincidentally falls on Valentine’s Day. Since a lot of couples will be apart for Valentine’s Day my sister thinks it will be a great idea to have everyone’s partners write Valentine’s Day messages which can be read out on the night. To make it even more interesting the messages are distributed at random among everyone attending and each person takes a turn to read the messages out loud. So whilst others wrote typical Valentine’s day messages, filled with affection and gooey, squishy declarations of love, I might have decided to go for something a little different.)

Message: “To [My Girlfriend], it is Valentine’s day and as a ridiculous man I must express my feeling for you in a ridiculous way. Which is why I will now make the person reading out this message say the following words for your amusement; Wingardium Leviosa. Honorificabilitudinitatibus. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Happy Valentine’s Day!”

(I was later told that the Maid of Honor was the one who had to read out my message and it took her five attempts to pronounce the entire list, commenting that she had had far too much wine to deal with it. My girlfriend was very amused, so mission accomplished.)

(It’s my brother’s second birthday party and he has just blown out the candles.)

Aunt: “Who wants to lick the icing off of the candles? Here you go.” *hands a candle to my two-year-old brother*

(The party continues.)

Mom: “[Brother], what are you eating?”

(My brother pulled the candle’s wick from his mouth. He ate the whole candle! Wax and all! Cue us cracking up and continuing to tell this story for years to come.)

(My cousin is five years old and I haven’t seen him since he was one. I am sitting on the couch when he comes running up, climbs up on my lap, puts his arms around my neck, sticks his head right by my ear and…)

Cousin: *whispering* “I farted!”

(He then runs away laughing hysterically.)

Me: “Yep, he’s a boy!”

(I am at my older cousin’s graduation party, and all his friends have come over and brought some type of food. One of his friends has brought brownies. I grab a brownie and start eating it without thinking.)

Cousin: “Those aren’t good to eat!”

Me: *muffled from brownie* “Why?”

(My cousin turns beet red and tells me they are okay to eat. I eat three brownies in all, as they were pretty small. After everyone leaves my head starts to feel weird. My cousin comes over to me and whispers into my ear. They were marijuana brownies and I was high. I was 12.)

(My nieces and I are discussing naming inanimate objects while at a family picnic. My sister is listening but doesn’t have a filter between her brain and mouth. My nieces are adults and are fed up with being embarrassed in public by their mother.)

Me: “My car is called Lucy.”

Sister: *loudly* “Hahaha, my vibrator is called Bob.”

Me: “Ewww, that’s sick.”

Sister: *again, loudly* “What, you have a problem with me having and naming a vibrator? BAHAHAHA!”

Me: “No, I have no problem with that, just the fact that you named it after Dad.”

Sister: “BAHAH… What do you mean, named it after Dad? His name is Robert.”

Me: “And he is also known as what?”

Sister: “Oh… s**t.” *goes red, shuts up, and walks off*

Niece: “BAHAHA. Finally, someone got her to shut up.”