(I’m a projectionist at a movie theater, so every once in a while, I have to deal with customer complaints. We have 3D movies that are extremely blurry if you don’t wear the glasses that we give you.)

Old woman: “Excuse me, I would like a refund.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

Old woman: *waving 3D glasses at me* “I don’t know how much extra I paid for these stupid things, but my movie wasn’t in 3D!”

Me: I’m sorry, ma’am. Which movie did you go see?”

Old woman: “I saw [movie only available in 3D] with my grandson and I didn’t have to use these things at all, not even once!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but since you sat through the whole movie, I can’t give you a refund. That movie is also extremely blurry if you don’t use the glasses we give you.”

Old woman: “But I didn’t use them at all and it looked just fine–just not 3D!”

(As she storms away angrily with a boy of about 5 in tow, she gets into her car and almost hits a young couple walking across the parking lot on her way out.)

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Caller: “I notice on your website that you show [Kid’s Movie] at midnight.”

Me: “Yes ma’am, that is correct.”

Caller: “Why would you do that? No little kid is going to see that movie at midnight!”

Me: “Ma’am, we have midnight showings for all movies, no matter the intended audience.”

Caller: “Well, how am I supposed to bring my kids to a midnight showing? This is a formal complaint and I would like to speak to your manager.”

Me: “Just one second, ma’am, I will send you to a manager.”

(I connect the caller with a manager.)

Caller: “How the h*** am I supposed to take my kids to see this movie if it only shows at midnight?”

Manager: “Ma’am, that is just the day before it is released. It will show many other days at normal times.”

Caller: “Well, why didn’t anybody ever tell me that?!”

(I’m working at the concession stand. A woman and her grandson walk up to my register.)

Customer: “One bag of M&Ms and a drink.”

Me: “Would you like plain, peanut, or peanut butter?”

Customer: “Plain! He can’t have peanuts, he’s very allergic.”

(The transaction continues as normal, and they purchase popcorn, which is commonly made with peanut oil at other theaters.)

Me: “Just so you know, our popcorn is made with coconut oil instead of peanut oil, so he can eat that.”

Customer: *stops dead in her tracks* “No! Coco-NUT! It’s a nut. He can’t eat it.”

(I can’t manage a response before she walks off with her grandson.)

Manager: *walks over, laughing* “Did that really just happen?”

(This occurred years ago but continues to be a favorite to tell the newbies. There are four concession stand workers and we are all on one side of the stand talking late one night.)

Me: *returning from the other side* “Hey guys, did we remove the salted pretzel from the display?”

Coworker #1: “Not that I know of.”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, that’s weird. Maybe the manager knows.”

(She finds our manager.)

Coworker #2: “Did you get rid of the pretzel display model?”

Manager: “No.”

Coworker #1: “You don’t think someone stole it do you?”

Coworker #2: “No, that would be stupid!”

(Then, we see a teen wandering the lobby looking a little bewildered, munching on a pretzel.)

Me: “Um… did you get that pretzel from the case there?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “That is a display model only. It has been there for a year and a half. It’s also been treated with shellac.”

(The customer takes a bite.)

Customer: *muffled* “Tastes pretty good to me!”

(The customer wanders off unsteadily and we all stare in utter shock.)

Manager: “Keep an eye on him. He’s probably going to be violently sick.”

(I am the assistant manager at a movie theater. There is a showing of the latest Harry Potter movie that is completely sold out. A pair of teenage girls approaches me to ask for some help. A woman is refusing to let them sit down in the theater, and the movie is starting in about five minutes. I go with them and find that their seats are the last two in the theater. The woman in question has three kids, all whom look to be younger than twelve.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss, but could you let these two girls sit down? The movie will be starting soon and–”

Woman: “No. My kids can’t sit by strangers. They might get kidnapped!”

Me: “I understand that you care about your children very much, but these two girls need to sit here.”

Woman: *raising voice* “I just told you, my kids can’t sit by strangers! What don’t you get about that?”

Me: “Ma’am–”

Woman: “I mean, look at them! That one’s wearing a demon symbol on her shirt!”

(She points to one of the girls, who is wearing a shirt with her astrological sign on it.)

Me: “Ma’am, if you’re going to make a scene, I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

(The woman continues to raise her voice at me and insists that these girls cannot sit down here. The movie is already going to be delayed at this point, and the two girls are looking visibly upset. I go ahead and call for security. At this point, the woman realizes that she’s been beaten, so she makes one last stand.)

Woman: *standing up, at the top of her lungs* “Help! These girls are touching my kids!”

(Security comes and holds her in their office for the rest of the movie. Her kids got to stay for the movie. Afterward, I run into her again.)

Woman: “I’m going to call the police on you! You let those girls touch my kids!”

Child: *in tears* “Mom, you’re so embarrassing!”