(This museum has a large Titanic exhibit. Many of the rescued survivors were brought to Halifax after the ship sank. Many of the recovered bodies of the victims are buried here as well. A tourist approaches me.)
Tourist: “So, is Leonardo Di Caprio buried upstairs?”
(I volunteer at a theater where a lot of Broadway national tours come through. The show “Jersey Boys” is at the theater for a few weeks. Also, there is a symphony going on at the other theater in the building. I’m taking tickets for Jersey Boys when an elderly patron approaches me.)
Me: “Are you here for the symphony or the musical?”
Patron: “Yeah, uh, Jersey Shore?”
Me: “Do you mean Jersey Boys?”
Patron: “Yeah, that one.”
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(Two obviously gay men are ordering concessions. I successfully upsell their purchase to a large popcorn.)
Customer: *jokingly* “Wow you’re quite a salesman!”
Coworker: “Yeah, he can sell stink to a hobo!”
Customer: *laughs*
Customer’s Partner: *completely mortified*
Customer: *to his partner* “No, no, he said HOBO!”
(I am cleaning the lobby in the theater when a female customer comes out of the restroom. She goes to use the drinking fountain. As with most businesses, the restrooms are located right next to the fountain.)
Customer: *aghast* “This is disgusting!”
Me: “Is there something wrong with the tap, ma’am? We do clean it often but I haven’t made it over there yet this round.”
Customer: “No, it is lovely. You do a fine job. It was just horrible!”
Me: “If there is nothing wrong, why was it horrible?”
Customer: “Because when I was drinking the water, I heard a toilet flush in the restroom and it made the water pressure go down!”
Me: “Well, yes. The plumbing is connected as they both draw from the–”
Customer: “That water that I was drinking? A minute later, if I hadn’t come along, it would have been used to flush someone’s waste? That is so disgusting! I can’t believe it!”
Me: “Well, would you rather the water pressure went up when you heard the flush?”
(The customer takes a step back and looks confused. Suddenly, the implication of my statement reaches her nearly hysterical mind and she flees the building with a look of horror on her face.)
(I work customer service for a cable company. A major live pay-per-view fighting event has just ended.)
Me: “Thanks for calling [cable provider]. How may I help you?”
Customer: “I want a refund on the fight.”
Me: “Sorry to hear that. What happened with it?”
Customer: “I was swindled! I didn’t get my money’s worth.”
Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. Did you have issues with the picture?”
(We are aware that some areas had some picture breakup and other problems at the beginning of the fight. We therefore can offer partial credit if it’s justified.)
Customer: “Oh, it was a wonderful picture, nice and clear.”
Me: “May I ask then, what made you feel ‘swindled’?”
Customer: “I ordered it to see the main event and it ended in only 3 rounds! Not nearly worth the $64.99 I paid for it, so I want my money refunded!”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I cannot offer credit just because you were dissatisfied with the content of an event. [Cable company] is not responsible for the content; we are only the conduit to deliver the event to the customer. Since you say we delivered the event to your TV flawlessly, this issue is not creditable.”
Customer: “Well, I’m only gonna pay $30 for it.”
Me: “You can pay $30, but the fight will still be charged to you at full price. I cannot credit the event because your dissatisfaction with its duration is in no way [cable company]’s fault or responsibility. I’m sorry, sir.”
Customer: “Well, that’s a load of bull****! You have a contract for that event. Just tell them to get back up and fight some more!”
