(I work in a deli at a grocery store.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want the extra cheap-a** ham.”

Me: “How thin do you want that?”

Customer: “Bible-paper thin.”

Me: “Um… okay?”

(It should be noted that slicing the “extra cheap-a** ham” too thin results not in ham, but in a ham-like paste)

Me: “Here you go.”

Customer: “You call that thin? You obviously aren’t a religious man, I can see.”

Me: “Okay…”

(I ended up giving him about $3.00 worth of ham paste and he walked away happy, so I guess it all worked out.)

This story is part of the Cheapskate Customers roundup!

Read the next roundup story!

Read the roundup!

(A man realized that he was unable to pay for his groceries a few checkouts away from mine and had to leave his cart full of items behind. As he stormed off, he let off a tirade of insults at his cashier, finally stopping as he passed my register, gaping in awe at my long hair. I’m a guy, by the way.)

Pissed Customer: “AND YOU! GET A HAIRCUT! YOU LOOK STUPID!”

Me: “…”

Me: “Your total is $87.95.”

Customer: “I have a coupon for [Product]. It was for a dollar off.”

Me: “Okay.” (I wait thirty seconds for her to produce it, but she stares blankly at the total on the screen.)

Customer: “Well, aren’t you going to type that in? It’s for one dollar.”

Me: “Ma’am, I just need to see the coupon so I can scan it.”

Customer: “Well I don’t HAVE it with me… It’s at home. I forgot it, but it’s for [Product] for a dollar.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t credit you for that unless you bring the coupon with you. You are welcome to bring it next time. Your total today is $87.95.”

Customer: “So, what, you don’t believe me? Why can’t you just give me a dollar off? That’s what the coupon was for.”

Me: “Ma’am, I believe that you bought the product and that you have the coupon at home, but I am unable to give you the discount without actually physically having the coupon in my till drawer.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. What ever happened to the honor system! It’s rude of you not to believe me!”

This story is part of the Confused-By-Coupons roundup!

Read the next Confused-By-Coupons roundup story!

Read the Confused-By-Coupons roundup!

(I was a cashier at a local grocery store one summer. At 9:00 every night, it was the bagboy’s duty to clean the store… which included vacuuming the rugs in front of the automatic doors. One night, about 8-8:30, an elderly lady comes in and sits by the doors.)

Me: “Hello! How are you tonight? Do you need any assistance?”

Lady: “No, I’m fine. I’m just going to sit here.”

Me: “Okay, then.”

(She sits there until about 9:00 until a bagboy comes out with a vacuum cleaner. He proceeds to do his job.)

Lady: “AAAH! What is that? What is that horrible noise? I can’t take it! I can’t take it!” *Walks up to the bagboy* “What are you doing? Stop it! Stop it!”

Bagboy: “I’m just vacuuming the rugs…”

Lady: “Stop it! I can’t take this noise! Why are you doing this?!”

Me & the other cashiers: “…”

(She went back to sit down and didn’t leave until late. Our managers came out and forbade the bagboys from vacuuming while she was there. For a couple more times that week she came in at 8:00 and if some bagboy even brought out the vacuum cleaner, unaware of who she was, they got an earful about the horrible noise that afflicts her.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Grocery Store], how may I direct your call?”

Lady: “Can I get your Orient kitchen?”

(I put her on hold, page the kitchen. Thirty seconds later, the phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Grocery Store], how may I direct your call?”

Same lady: “Yeah, I was holding for the Orient kitchen, I think I got disconnected.”

Me: “Just a sec.”

(I put her on hold again, page the kitchen again. Thirty seconds later, phone rings again.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Grocery Store], how may I direct your call?”

Same lady: “You keep hanging up on me! Every time I call for the kitchen, you hang up on me.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am putting you on hold.”

Lady: “No, you keep hanging up on me. You say hold and then there’s silence.”

Me: “If I was hanging up on you, you would hear a dial tone. The silence is you being on hold. So if you wait a minute, I will get the kitchen for you.”

Lady: “Okay.”

Me: “Now, there is going to be silence. This isn’t me hanging up on you. You are being put on hold. Just wait and someone will pick up the phone. ”

Lady: “Thank you.”

(I put her on hold and turn to see my coworkers laughing at me behind my back. I question the state of humanity.)