(My mother and I are waiting in a crowded doctor’s office talking about my friends’ families.)
Me: “In a way, I’m lucky that I have a brother. He doesn’t steal my stuff.”
Mum: “I don’t know… he looked pretty good in your ball dress. Backless really suits him!”
(We look up to see an elderly man staring at us in disgust.)
Mum: “What? It does!”
(I am at the dentist waiting to get my braces tightened, when my boyfriend sends me a text wondering what I’m up to.)
Boyfriend: “What’re you doing?”
Me: “Getting prepared to battle my evil nemesis Night Brace, and his young sidekick Tooth Decay!”
Boyfriend: “Wow. Busy morning!”
Me: “Yeah, what’s a girl to do?”
Boyfriend: “Pull out her gat?”
(I have taken my teenage son to the dentist. When it is almost time to leave, I have this conversation with one of their receptionists.)
Receptionist: “You need to make his next appointment. What day works best for you?”
Me: “He has the opportunity to live with his dad in Dubai this year, so I can’t commit to a date since I am not sure when he will be back.”
Receptionist: “Where?”
Me: “Dubai?”
Receptionist: *blank stare* “Is that in Tennessee?”
Me: “Dubai, as in the United Arab Emirates.”
Receptionist: “Where?”
Me: “The United Arab Emirates.”
Receptionist: “Is that in the United States?”
Me: “No. It is the Middle East.”
Receptionist: “Oh, like Iowa or West Virginia!”
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(I’m making small talk with the hygienist before he starts cleaning my teeth.)
Me: “So, what did you do for Memorial Day?”
Hygienist: “Oh, my daughter graduated preschool posthumously. It was really fun.”
Me: *horrified* “What?! I think you mean a different word. ‘Posthumously’ means ‘after death’.”
Hygienist: “Oh! Yeah, nobody died.”
Me: “Thank God! I was about to start consoling you!”
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(My father is a dentist, and he is known among his dentist friends for having insane patients. This one really takes the cake, though.)
Dental Office: “Good morning, this is Dr. [Name]’s office. How may I help you?”
Patient: “Yes, it’s [Patient’s Name]. I’d like to cancel my appointment for today.”
Dental Office: “I’m sorry to hear that. May I ask why you’re canceling?”
Patient: “I have this awful toothache!”
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