(I am a cake decorator in a bakery. I am closing up the department when the phone rings.)

Me: “This is the bakery. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes! Oh, my god, please tell me you have the cake kit!”

Me: “Yes, we do have the kit.”

Customer: “Finally! I’ve looked everywhere for it and you’re the only place that has it! Okay, I need to order a cake.”

Me: “All right, when are you going to need it?”

Customer: “In about thirty minutes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I am not be able to do that.”

Customer: “What? Why the h*** not?”

Me: “The bakery closes at 6:00 pm on Sundays and I’ve already clocked out for the day. I can place the order for tomorrow afternoon, though.”

Customer: “No! No! I need it now! It’s my son’s birthday today and I need a cake! I forgot to order the cake!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. There’s nothing I can do.”

Customer: “You can make my son’s god-d*** cake is what you can do!”

Me: “I’m sorry. You can come and choose one from our case and I could write something on it for you.”

Customer: “No! I don’t want those cakes! That’s great! Just great! I hope you’re happy; you just ruined my baby’s first birthday!” *hangs up*

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(I am installing a home security system for a new customer. All customers require a password that the monitoring service uses to verify their identity when the alarm is tripped.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. If your alarm is ever tripped, our monitoring service will call the house to make sure help is needed. We need you to select a password for when they call.”

Customer: “Well, what password should I select?”

Me: “It just needs to be something easy to remember.”

Customer: “Can you suggest something?”

Me: “Well, what do you do for a living?”

Customer: “I’m a nurse.”

Me: “Okay, your password could be ‘Nurse’.”

Customer: “Hmm, I don’t know if I could remember that.”

(I’m working the concession stand, and a customer has just ordered a jumbo popcorn.)

Customer: “Is that real butter in the squirty thing?”

Me: “It’s vegetable oil with artificial butter flavoring.”

Customer: “Okay, gimme some of that.”

Me: *squirting some butter* “There you go. Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “Little more, please?”

Me: *squirt* “How’s that?”

Customer: “Keep going. I’ll say when.”

(I keep squirting until there are about two inches of yellow oil in the bottom of the tub. The popcorn is starting to float out the top.)

Customer: “Okay, that’s good.”

Me: “All right, then. Is there anything else you’d like today?”

Customer: “Lemme have a Diet Coke. A small one. I’m trying to watch my weight.”