Sometimes You Have To Get Literal

My wife is bisexual and has been in low contact with her religious bigot of a mother ever since she started dating me (a woman). The primary reason she’s not completely no-contact is that the city where we currently live is the only large city within reasonable driving distance of her mother’s hometown, so she comes into the city regularly, which means random encounters that usually go poorly.

One day, [Wife] comes home with a selection of newly-bought adult toys that she proceeds to pack into a gift.

Me: “Who’s this for?”

Wife: “My mother. Her birthday’s coming up.”

Me: *Pauses* “Why are you getting her a birthday gift?”

Wife: “Because every time I tell her to go f*** herself, she says, ‘I don’t have the parts for that.’ So, I figured I’d give her what she needed.”

I spent something like five minutes laughing before I could see straight enough to sign the card.