Some People Need To Stay At Arm’s Length

| CA, USA | Friendly | March 3, 2014

(It is late at night, and we are going back to our car after a long night. There are six of us: five have been best friends since high school and the sixth person is a new friend of ours. I’m considered a bit of an oddball and can get on people’s nerves, which the new person has made quite clear. We also happen to be walking through a very bad part of town.)

New Friend: “Ugh… you are so annoying! You should consider yourself lucky that we don’t ditch you somewhere.”

Friend #1: *to New Friend* “Dude, stop whining already. You’ve been at it all day.”

New Friend: “I’m just saying [My Name] needs to learn how to behave. I don’t know why you all keep him around.”

(At that moment a drunk stranger comes up and cops a feel of one of our female friends. The new friend, who is standing right next to her, backs away scared. I step up and grab the guy’s arm, lifting it up, with my best poker face.)

Me: “Ooh! I’ve been looking for an arm to add to my collection. Hope you don’t mind me taking yours!”

(The stranger freaks out and runs away. The new friend looks at me like I’m crazy.)

Friend #2: “And that is why we hang out with him. You can sit in the back, [New Friend]!”

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Their Least Favorite Friend

| London, England, UK | Friendly | March 3, 2014

(I’m chatting to my best friend on the phone. I’ve recently had to go clothes shopping, which I hate.)

Me: “Shopping for clothes is my second least favourite thing in the world.”

Friend: “What’s your least favourite?”

Me: “Shopping for shoes.”

Friend: “Huh, I thought you’d have said something like ‘genocide’ or ‘world hunger.'”

Me: “Well, obviously. I meant things personal to me, rather than global issues.”

Friend: “Don’t worry. I was just being facetious.”

Me: “Which by a startling coincidence is number three…”

Ignorant On The Immigrant

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Friendly | March 3, 2014

(I am an Indonesian-British mix who recently moved to Sydney. I look more obviously Caucasian and I was raised in an international lifestyle so my accent is very neutral. I am making small talk outdoors.)

Stranger: *walks out behind me* “Hey, you!”

Me: “Yes? Can I help you?”

Stranger: “I heard you talking back there. Are you new here?”

Me: “Yeah, I just moved here last month.”

Stranger: “Cool! If you want I can show you around. You are the first American exchange student I’ve met. California?”

Me: “I’m actually from Indonesia.”

Stranger: “Get back on your f****** boat!”

Me: *taken aback* “What?”

Stranger: “You and your f****** kind keep coming over here and taking our jobs and rubbing in your Islam s***! We don’t want you! That’s why we keep sending you back to your s***hole country! I bet you’re illegal!”

Me: “I assure you I have a visa, and stop yelling at me!”

Stranger: “I can say whatever since you’re in my country!”

Me: “Americans aren’t from Australia, yet you seemed excited when you thought I was one. Is having an American with your job better than having an Indonesian?”

Stranger: *pauses for a second* “Well, it’s my country and I can CHOOSE WHO I WANT!” *runs off while giving me the finger*

This Conversation Is Sliding Downwards

| PA, USA | Friendly | March 2, 2014

(My friend and I are working part-time at an event hall and have just finished cleaning the floors. We are congratulating ourselves on a job well done.)

Me: “Man! I think this is the cleanest we’ve ever gotten it!”

Friend: “I know! It’s so shiny and polishy!”

Me: “Yeah! I wonder how far you could slide on your socks in here!”

Friend: *becomes suddenly pensive* “Or slide a baby…”

(I couldn’t stop laughing for five minutes. She says really bizarre things sometimes, but that’s why we’re friends!)

Top 5 Funniest Stories Of February 2014

| Not Always Friendly | Friendly | March 1, 2014

February 2014 Top Story Roundup: Here are Not Always Friendly’s top-rated stories last month!

  1. True Friends Are Nothing To Fear (1,281 thumbs up)
  2. Humanity Is Going Down The Tubes (1,161 thumbs up)
  3. This Just Got Personal (1,227 thumbs up)
  4. Washing Himself Of The Situation (1,159 thumbs up)
  5. They Were Saved (1,098 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

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