(I am at work when a friend of mine, who I haven’t caught up with for a while, messages me.  He also has a tendency for being antisocial.)

Friend: “Hey, man, it’s been ages. We need to catch up. I’ve finished work up for the year so when you free?”

Me: “Well, I’m at work for the next hour. After that I’m free.”

Friend: “Actually, I’m busy tonight.”

Me: “Well, I work in the CBD; come visit me on my break tomorrow and we can do lunch?”

Friend: “Umm, I’m busy tomorrow, too.”

Me: “Thursday, then?”

Friend: “Actually, I’m really busy at the moment; maybe in a few weeks?”

Me: “But you’re the one who wanted to catch up!”

(My best friend, her sister, her niece, and I are having a girls’ night but one of our plans fall through so we decide to go across the street to get some fried chicken. Unfortunately the road is five lanes wide so we have to go around to the sidewalk which is far from where we are. My best friend and her niece become impatient.)

Best Friend: “It’d be faster if we just crossed the street. We should jaywalk.”

Niece: “We should.”

Best Friend: “Do you want to jaywalk with me, [Niece]?”

Niece: “Yes, I do.”

(Then they walk to the road and try to take one step across it. I notice this and quickly throw my arms around them and pull them back onto the sidewalk before pushing them to the inside.)

Me: “You are not jaywalking! No one is jaywalking! I am walking on the outside! Mother instincts activate!”

(They didn’t try to cross the street again.)

(I’m playing a tabletop RPG with some friends when we find some loot. Our wizard identifies a magical sword.)

Dungeon Master: “It’s a sword of disintegration!”

Me: “I take the sword.”

Dungeon Master: “It immediately crumbles into a small pile of dust. It disintegrated…”

Me: “…I don’t know what I expected.”

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(My mom and my sister are in church one day, and are sitting at the end of one of the pews. One day, while the priest is talking, a man — who was most likely drunk at the time — stands up and starts shouting at him things like:)

Man: “YOU KILLED MY BROTHER! YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO HIM! GET OVER HERE!”

(My mom pushes my sister further into the pew just in case something else starts happening, while the priest just ignores the man and keeps reading. The man eventually stops shouting, leaves the church, and everything continues almost as normal. A few minutes later, he stumbles back to seat.)

Man: “Forgot my hat.”

(He took his hat, and finally left for good.)