Irish Decaf

| Friendly | August 27, 2014

Friend: “So I’ve decided to quit caffeine.”

Me: “Why’s that?”

Friend: “Because I’ve been having chest pains, and I think that’s what’s causing them. So, no more coffee and energy drinks for me.”

(He said this with a straight face, in his home, with empty beer cans and bottles of whiskey strewn across the living room and kitchen.)

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Have No Fear If You Check The Rear

| Friendly | August 27, 2014

(I am with my friends after finding out my cancer is back.)

Me: “That appointment was not encouraging. The doctor says that some patients with this disease do well for years, and others ‘expire’ quickly.”

Friend: *without missing a beat* “Well, if you want, I’d be willing to check you’re a** to see what expiration date is printed there.”

Me: *stunned silence, then laughing*

(It was so just the laugh I needed right then! Two years later, and I am still doing well, so I guess my expiration date isn’t here yet.)

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They Left By Magic

| Friendly | August 27, 2014

(I am talking to one of my friends about why I dislike the card game ‘Magic: The Gathering.’)

Me: “A bunch of friends were sitting around playing Magic, and we were waiting for a few more people to get there to play Dungeons and Dragons. I had to work early the next morning, and simply said if they were just going to play Magic all night, I would go home. For some reason, this caused [Former Best Friend] to flip out and cause a whole big fight that I really don’t remember or understand. Everyone got mad and left.”

Friend: “So you cleared them all, and didn’t even have to tap any mana?”

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They Just Saved Someone’s Bacon

, | Friendly | August 26, 2014

(A couple of friends and I are having a girl’s night and stop at a well-known fast food place to get something to eat. As we pull in we note a fire truck idling outside. Since I am in the testing phase of my EMT certification, I know it is just a standard dinner run, not an emergency. We are lining up right behind a large group of firefighters, all covered in soot and sweat.)

Friend #1: *loudly* “I smell bacon…”

(The rather pungent firefighter in front of us turns slightly towards us.)

Me: “Uh, well, you know they have bacon on a lot of their stuff here.”

Friend #2: “I can’t really smell anything. My nose is all stuffed up.”

Friend #1: “They must be making a lot of bacon because it smells really strong out here.”

(The guy in front of me frowns slightly and I’m stifling a fit of giggles by this point.)

Friend #1: “D***, now I want something that has bacon.”

(I lean in and whisper so only [Friend #1] and [Friend #2] can hear.)

Me: “There are firefighters in here…”

Friend #1: *whispering, too* “Yeah, but they’re not that cute.”

Me: “No, you don’t get it. There are firefighters here. They just got off a call.”

Friend #2: “How can you tell?”

Me: “See the guy in front of us? Notice the soot on the back of his neck? It’s all over his face, too.”

Friend #1: *suddenly mortified* “That’s not bacon that I smell…”

Friend #2: *holding back giggles*

Me: “No. That is the manly smell of a firefighter’s sweat after he put out a fire.”

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This Type Of Grass Behavior Just Won’t Cut It

| Friendly | August 26, 2014

(It’s 7:00 PM, and I am in my room watching TV when there is a knock on the back door. My dad goes to answer the door and then calls for me. I go to see it’s my next door neighbor.)

Me: “What is it?”

Neighbor: “Were you mowing your lawn today?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Neighbor: “Well, I just wanted you to know that you ended up mowing into my yard, and if I catch you doing it again, you’ll be mowing my yard, too. Do you understand? Don’t you give me that look.”

Me: “I wasn’t giving you any look and don’t tell me what to do.”

Neighbor: “Excuse me?”

Me: “You heard me. I don’t have to listen to you.”

Neighbor: “Yes, you do.”

Me: “Now let’s get something straight here. No, I don’t have to listen to you. You may have the authority to tell your family what to do but you don’t have the authority to tell anyone else what to do. You’re not queen of the godd**n block. And, if you want your lawn mowed so badly, why don’t you try doing it yourself instead of sitting on your a** smoking cigarettes all day.”

(I slammed the door shut and went back to my room while my dad just laughed.)

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