(I’m shopping in a store where they are currently running the following sale: Buy 1 item, get 10% off; Buy 2 items, get 20% off; and so on… all the way up to 50%. I’m buying two expensive items and realize that if I buy three cheap items as well, my total will be less then with the two items alone. I go up to the register and am second in line; the cashier is explaining the sale to a middle-aged customer.)

Cashier #1: “If you buy three more items you can get 50% off. Why don’t you take a look at some of our cheaper items such as—”

Customer: “Stop it right there! I only want these! That’s it!”

Cashier #1: “Okay, but I would just like to mention that we have a sale—”

Customer: “I told you no! If you say anything else, I’m just going to walk out and not buy anything!”

Cashier #2: *to me* “I can help you right over here!”  

(I go over to the other register when the customer turns to me.)

Customer: “Don’t you hate all these add-ons? They’re always trying to get you to buy more!”

Me: “Yes, that does happen sometimes, but the deal they’re having right now is great.”

Customer: *under her breath* “Sucker…”

(I ignore her comment. Almost simultaneously, both cashiers read out our respective totals.)

Cashier #1: *to the customer* “Your total is $40.”

Cashier #2: *to me* “Your total is $30.”

Customer: “Wait a second!  What makes her so special?  How come I can’t get a discount?”

Me: “Seriously?”

Cashier #2: “Ma’am, she bought five items, so she gets 50% off of her total.”

Cashier #1: “Yes, and since you only bought two items, your discount is 20%.”

Customer: “Then how can I get 50% like her?”

(The cashiers and I are grinning at each other and trying very hard not to laugh.)

Cashier #1: “As I was trying to say before, if you buy three additional items, you will get 50% off of your total purchase.”

Customer: “That makes absolutely no sense to me. Buy more… but less? That’s not mathematically possible!”

(By this point I’ve paid for my things and start to walk away.)

Customer: “I don’t know what witchcraft this is, but I don’t want any part of it! I’ll just pay for what I have!”

(A coworker and I are planning a non-profit conference.)

Coworker: “Why are we charging $22? That doesn’t make sense. $25 is easier to remember.

Me: “We’re only charging to cover costs. We’re not trying to turn a profit.”

Coworker: “Yeah, but nobody ever budgets for $22. $25 is an even number.”

Me: “$25 is an odd number.”

Coworker: “I mean, it’s a nice, round number that’s easy to work with.”

Me: “Actually it’s a square number.”

Coworker: “Stop that!”

(I’m in line at my local dollar store. The customer in front of me is short on her transaction of diapers and wipes.)

Customer: “Is it okay if I exchange for cheaper wipes real quick?”

Cashier: *rolls her eyes* “FINE, but you better be quick about it! There’s a customer behind you.”

Me: “Oh, I’m in no hurry take your time. I only have a couple of items anyway.”

(The customer hurries to the back of the store, grabs the cheaper wipes, and hurries back.)

Customer: “Sorry about that.”

Cashier: *rolls her eyes again* “Your total is now $6.79.”

Customer: “That’s still too high… I only have $6.00.”

Cashier: “It’s $6.79, NOT $6.00.”

(At this point, the customer is clearly distressed and embarrassed while she tries to decide what to put back.)

Me: *to the customer* “Hey i can cover the difference. No worries.”

Customer: *smiles*

Cashier: “You SURE you want to do that?”

Me: “Uh, yeah, why not? It’s only 79 cents.”

Cashier: “Fine!”

(Hearing the commotion, the manager comes over.)

Manager: “Is everything alright?”

Cashier: “Oh, this lady wants to help this other one with her purchase.”

Manager: *to me* “Oh, that is very nice of you.”

(As soon as the manager leaves, the cashier instantly goes back to being rude while she rings up my items. Needless to say, I reported the cashier to the same manager. Last I heard, the cashier got a pink slip!)

(I work at a hospital. Every week, we host an event where volunteers come in and entertain some of the sick children. On this particular day, most of the volunteers are dressed up as superheroes.)

Superman: “Who wants me to see if I can pull a penny out of their nose?”

Child #1: *in a wheelchair* “Me! Me!”

Superman: *doing his magic trick* “I’m afraid I can’t. All I could find were all these quarters!”

(Superman magically pulls out a quarter and gives it to [Child #1]. A few minutes later, [Child #1] returns.)

Child #1: “Superman! Superman! I bought candy with the money you found! This one’s for you.”

(At this point, one of two volunteers dressed as Spider-man speaks up.)

Spider-man #1: “Where’d he get that candy?”

Child #2: “There’s a vending machine in the hallway.”

Spider-man #1: “They let you buy candy? That’s not healthy.”

Spider-man #2: “I’m sure the nurses here are aware of what the kids eat.”

Child #2: “It’s true. They’re really strict.”

Spider-man #1: “It’s just not healthy…”

(Meanwhile, Superman is continuing his trick.)

Superman: “…and another one in the left ear, and another one in the right ear. Wait! I haven’t checked your nose for quarters yet.”

Child #3: *after Superman’s finished* “What kind of candy do you want, Superman?”

Superman: “Don’t worry about me, kid. I’m Superman! Superman can make candy with his mind.”

Child #3: “Nuh uh! I saw the movie!”

Superman: “Oh, yeah? Watch this!”

(He closes his eyes and concentrations hard, then pretends to catch something out of the air.)

Superman: “Ah-ha! Chocolate!”

Spider-man #1: “Don’t give her that. They get too much sugar.”

Nurse: “It’s fine, sir.”

Spider-man #1: “No!”

(All of a sudden, Spider-man #1 grabs the chocolate from Superman, throws it on the floor, and stomps on it. He’s clearly out of control and scaring the children.)

Spider-man #1: “Food like that will just keep you sick! They just want you to stay here and keep buying their s****y candy to keep you sick so they can get your money! They just—”

(At that moment, a man dressed as Batman appears with his cape wrapped around him. Surprised, Spider-man #1 begins stuttering.)

Spider-man #1: “Uh… what do you want?”

Batman: *in a deep voice* “I want this hospital to be a place of hope. I want these children to enjoy their lives. I want the forces of darkness forever beaten.”

(He drops the cloak, revealing the police uniform underneath it.)

Batman: *cuffs Spider-man #1* “I want justice!”

(The children all cheer, relieved. A month later, one of the children who has been in the hospital for a very long time is getting ready to leave. When someone asks him what his favorite memory of the volunteer nights was, he says…)

Child: “When crazy Spider-man went crazy and Batman took off his costume and he was an actually real hero and made crazy Spider-man go away!”

This story is part of the Superman roundup.

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(A customer comes in the door and heads straight over to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you all sell pickles?”

Me: “Uh, I’m sorry… do we sell what?”

Customer: “Pickles.”

Me: “Uh… no, we do not.”

Customer: “Darn. I coulda sworn you guys used to sell them here. Ah, well. Where are your blank cassette tapes?”

Me: “Uh, we don’t sell those, either.”

Customer: “Really? Well, what about batteries?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Greeting cards?”

Me: “Sir, this is a video rental store.”

Customer: “…So?”