(A customer in her late 60s walks up with her granddaughter, who is probably 18-20 in age.)

Customer: “I want to return this crap!”

Me: “Alright, ma’am, do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “No, but you’d better take it back!”

(I page a manager to approve a no-receipt return. It gets approved and we explain it’ll have to go on a store gift card. The customer is still angry, but the granddaughter helps us calm her down.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am, here’s your gift card. There’s $24.83 on it.”

(The customer snatches the card from my hands. Meanwhile, she watches the POS terminal like a hawk to see how things add up.)

Customer: “NO, NO, NO! That was buy one, get one free!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am let me have someone check…”

(As I page for someone on the floor to price check, I see a line of angry people forming behind her. We’re an insanely busy store in the summer, and it’s been a good ten minutes by this point. My coworker returns from checking the price.)

Coworker: “It has no tag, or none near it. Where did you see buy one, get one free, ma’am?”

Customer: “A couple weeks ago!  It was buy one, get one free!”

Me: “Ma’am, we can’t price modify for a sale a couple weeks old.”

Customer: “You can and you will. Let me speak to your manager!”

(I page the manager again, and they approve the modification while giving me a “Get this crazy customer out of our store” look).

Me: “Alright ma’am, I’ve run your gift card. That leaves $10.21 remaining on your total.”

Customer: “I should get it free for all the hassle you people put me through here!”

(The customer throws a 20 at me. I make change and she storms off, with the total transaction time about 16 minutes. Next up is her granddaughter, who is calm and polite. She puts her nail polish on the counter and I ring her up. Whole transaction time? 20 seconds.)

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Customer’s Granddaughter: “You too!”

Customer: *to her granddaughter* “Danielle, are you FINALLY done?! What took you so long?! I swear, you young people are SO inconsiderate, like that idiot behind the counter!”

(I’ve recently been hired at a small retail chain as a cashier. Since I’m new, I haven’t received my uniform yet, so I have to work in my regular clothes.)

Me: “Hi! How are you today?”

(The customer stares inquisitively at my shirt, then stares back at me. I happen to be wearing a shirt with a picture of Gary Coleman on it.)

Customer: “Aren’t you a little too young to be wearing that? Do you even know who Gary Coleman is?”

Me: “Whatchoo talkin’ bout?”

Customer: “Yeah, this phone still powers on, but the flip part of the screen has been ripped off. Can you pull the contacts off and put them on my new phone? I’m not a customer with your company though.”

Me: “That’s okay. Well, sometimes if the device is still operational I might be able to access the contacts transfer even without the screen. I’ll try my best.”

Customer: “I NEED these contacts. I’m desperate.”

Me: “I understand how frustrating this is for you. We charge $15 to do the transfer. But if it doesn’t work, I wont charge you anything at all.”

Customer: “What? You’re not going to do it for free?”

Me: “No, sir, I have to charge a fee for my time and services.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! You should do it for free!”

Me: “Right, and what do you do for a living, sir?”

Customer: “I make fences.”

Me: “Awesome! Is it cool if I swing by after work and get you to build me a fence for my puppy who likes to play in my backyard? Of course, I can’t pay you, so can you do it for free?”

Customer: “What?! No! I don’t work for free.”

Me: “Yeah, neither do I.”

Customer: *lightbulb goes on*

(I transferred his contacts, and yes, he paid the service charge.)

(My mom, me, and some friends are on holiday in Brittany. We rent a little house which we had lived in the previous year. My mom decides we should walk to the beach the first day and chooses the direct path. We have to climb a fence, wade through pretty thick and smelly mud and cross a cow paddock on the way. Our dog is enjoying herself immensely, but she is the only one.)

Mom: “I don’t understand. This must be the way to the beach. We took the same path last year.”

Me: “I know, Mom. It was the wrong path then, too…”

(A customer comes in the door and heads straight over to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you all sell pickles?”

Me: “Uh, I’m sorry… do we sell what?”

Customer: “Pickles.”

Me: “Uh… no, we do not.”

Customer: “Darn. I coulda sworn you guys used to sell them here. Ah, well. Where are your blank cassette tapes?”

Me: “Uh, we don’t sell those, either.”

Customer: “Really? Well, what about batteries?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Greeting cards?”

Me: “Sir, this is a video rental store.”

Customer: “…So?”