(I’ve recently been hired at a small retail chain as a cashier. Since I’m new, I haven’t received my uniform yet, so I have to work in my regular clothes.)
Me: “Hi! How are you today?”
(The customer stares inquisitively at my shirt, then stares back at me. I happen to be wearing a shirt with a picture of Gary Coleman on it.)
Customer: “Aren’t you a little too young to be wearing that? Do you even know who Gary Coleman is?”
Me: “Whatchoo talkin’ bout?”
Customer: “Yeah, this phone still powers on, but the flip part of the screen has been ripped off. Can you pull the contacts off and put them on my new phone? I’m not a customer with your company though.”
Me: “That’s okay. Well, sometimes if the device is still operational I might be able to access the contacts transfer even without the screen. I’ll try my best.”
Customer: “I NEED these contacts. I’m desperate.”
Me: “I understand how frustrating this is for you. We charge $15 to do the transfer. But if it doesn’t work, I wont charge you anything at all.”
Customer: “What? You’re not going to do it for free?”
Me: “No, sir, I have to charge a fee for my time and services.”
Customer: “That’s bulls***! You should do it for free!”
Me: “Right, and what do you do for a living, sir?”
Customer: “I make fences.”
Me: “Awesome! Is it cool if I swing by after work and get you to build me a fence for my puppy who likes to play in my backyard? Of course, I can’t pay you, so can you do it for free?”
Customer: “What?! No! I don’t work for free.”
Me: “Yeah, neither do I.”
Customer: *lightbulb goes on*
(I transferred his contacts, and yes, he paid the service charge.)
(I work at a hospital. Every week, we host an event where volunteers come in and entertain some of the sick children. On this particular day, most of the volunteers are dressed up as superheroes.)
Superman: “Who wants me to see if I can pull a penny out of their nose?”
Child #1: *in a wheelchair* “Me! Me!”
Superman: *doing his magic trick* “I’m afraid I can’t. All I could find were all these quarters!”
(Superman magically pulls out a quarter and gives it to [Child #1]. A few minutes later, [Child #1] returns.)
Child #1: “Superman! Superman! I bought candy with the money you found! This one’s for you.”
(At this point, one of two volunteers dressed as Spider-man speaks up.)
Spider-man #1: “Where’d he get that candy?”
Child #2: “There’s a vending machine in the hallway.”
Spider-man #1: “They let you buy candy? That’s not healthy.”
Spider-man #2: “I’m sure the nurses here are aware of what the kids eat.”
Child #2: “It’s true. They’re really strict.”
Spider-man #1: “It’s just not healthy…”
(Meanwhile, Superman is continuing his trick.)
Superman: “…and another one in the left ear, and another one in the right ear. Wait! I haven’t checked your nose for quarters yet.”
Child #3: *after Superman’s finished* “What kind of candy do you want, Superman?”
Superman: “Don’t worry about me, kid. I’m Superman! Superman can make candy with his mind.”
Child #3: “Nuh uh! I saw the movie!”
Superman: “Oh, yeah? Watch this!”
(He closes his eyes and concentrations hard, then pretends to catch something out of the air.)
Superman: “Ah-ha! Chocolate!”
Spider-man #1: “Don’t give her that. They get too much sugar.”
Nurse: “It’s fine, sir.”
Spider-man #1: “No!”
(All of a sudden, Spider-man #1 grabs the chocolate from Superman, throws it on the floor, and stomps on it. He’s clearly out of control and scaring the children.)
Spider-man #1: “Food like that will just keep you sick! They just want you to stay here and keep buying their s****y candy to keep you sick so they can get your money! They just—”
(At that moment, a man dressed as Batman appears with his cape wrapped around him. Surprised, Spider-man #1 begins stuttering.)
Spider-man #1: “Uh… what do you want?”
Batman: *in a deep voice* “I want this hospital to be a place of hope. I want these children to enjoy their lives. I want the forces of darkness forever beaten.”
(He drops the cloak, revealing the police uniform underneath it.)
Batman: *cuffs Spider-man #1* “I want justice!”
(The children all cheer, relieved. A month later, one of the children who has been in the hospital for a very long time is getting ready to leave. When someone asks him what his favorite memory of the volunteer nights was, he says…)
Child: “When crazy Spider-man went crazy and Batman took off his costume and he was an actually real hero and made crazy Spider-man go away!”
This story is part of the Superman roundup.
(A customer comes in the door and heads straight over to me.)
Customer: “Excuse me, do you all sell pickles?”
Me: “Uh, I’m sorry… do we sell what?”
Customer: “Pickles.”
Me: “Uh… no, we do not.”
Customer: “Darn. I coulda sworn you guys used to sell them here. Ah, well. Where are your blank cassette tapes?”
Me: “Uh, we don’t sell those, either.”
Customer: “Really? Well, what about batteries?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “Greeting cards?”
Me: “Sir, this is a video rental store.”
Customer: “…So?”
(A customer in her late 60s walks up with her granddaughter, who is probably 18-20 in age.)
Customer: “I want to return this crap!”
Me: “Alright, ma’am, do you have your receipt?”
Customer: “No, but you’d better take it back!”
(I page a manager to approve a no-receipt return. It gets approved and we explain it’ll have to go on a store gift card. The customer is still angry, but the granddaughter helps us calm her down.)
Me: “Alright, ma’am, here’s your gift card. There’s $24.83 on it.”
(The customer snatches the card from my hands. Meanwhile, she watches the POS terminal like a hawk to see how things add up.)
Customer: “NO, NO, NO! That was buy one, get one free!”
Me: “Sorry, ma’am let me have someone check…”
(As I page for someone on the floor to price check, I see a line of angry people forming behind her. We’re an insanely busy store in the summer, and it’s been a good ten minutes by this point. My coworker returns from checking the price.)
Coworker: “It has no tag, or none near it. Where did you see buy one, get one free, ma’am?”
Customer: “A couple weeks ago! Â It was buy one, get one free!”
Me: “Ma’am, we can’t price modify for a sale a couple weeks old.”
Customer: “You can and you will. Let me speak to your manager!”
(I page the manager again, and they approve the modification while giving me a “Get this crazy customer out of our store” look).
Me: “Alright ma’am, I’ve run your gift card. That leaves $10.21 remaining on your total.”
Customer: “I should get it free for all the hassle you people put me through here!”
(The customer throws a 20 at me. I make change and she storms off, with the total transaction time about 16 minutes. Next up is her granddaughter, who is calm and polite. She puts her nail polish on the counter and I ring her up. Whole transaction time? 20 seconds.)
Me: “Have a nice day!”
Customer’s Granddaughter: “You too!”
Customer: *to her granddaughter* “Danielle, are you FINALLY done?! What took you so long?! I swear, you young people are SO inconsiderate, like that idiot behind the counter!”
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