I am at home with my mom for the Christmas holidays. My girlfriend is at her mom’s. At one point, she sends a text to my mom with well wishes, followed by a string of emojis.

Mom: “What does this mean?”

I look and see a chicken drumstick, an eggplant, and a heart, and I’m equally as confused as she is.

Me: “…eat, play, love?”

I work as a bellman at a hotel in Victoria on Vancouver Island in British Columbia, Canada. I am approached by an American guest.

Guest: “Do you all live on the island, or do you need to ferry over each day to work?”

Me: “We live on the island, ma’am.”

Guest: “Is the island bigger than Texas?”

Me: “Uh, no. Texas is much bigger than Vancouver Island.” 

Guest: *Almost to herself* “I knew Texas was better than this island.”

My girlfriend has a family recipe for clam chowder that is AMAZING. She has invited one of her friends over for dinner. This particular recipe calls for a thickening agent in order to make it proper “chowder thickness”. Earlier in the day of the dinner, she hands me a bowl of chowder.

Me: “Oh, this is good. And it thickened up really nicely!”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, I put about half a cup of flour in it.”

Me: *Freezes* “In… in the pot?”

Girlfriend: “Yeah.”

Me: “In the whole pot?”

Girlfriend: “Yeah?”

Me: “In the pot you were planning on feeding to [Friend with Celiac disease]?”

She stares at me for a few seconds in growing horror before facepalming HARD.

Girlfriend: “HOW DID I FORGET THAT?!”

Prior to cooking the chowder, we had discussed various gluten-free thickeners she could use, but when the time came, it just completely vacated her brain. She ended up serving salad. Her friend was quite good-natured about it.

I am currently apartment hunting, but it has been a long and time-consuming project trying to find something within my budget. I only have two requirements: it must allow my cat, and it must have a balcony I can grow food on. I don’t think that’s insane criteria, but in my city, it sometimes seems like it is.

I found one unit that was slightly above my budget. It was tiny and ugly, and it would mean almost an extra hour on the bus to visit my girlfriend or my doctors, and I knew the layout would make me want to scream within weeks. But it allowed cats, and the ad had several pictures of a balcony large enough to support enough of a garden to make gardening worth it, so I figured I could make it work. I fired off the email I had tailored to introduce myself and explain what I was looking for, and after a couple of days of chasing them down, I finally set up a time to view it.

The day arrives. From the outside, the building is in a nice quiet area, close to stores, and would even have something that could be considered a half-decent view. I’m starting to feel better about potentially living here — excited, even. I meet the landlady, and we head upstairs to the apartment.

She unlocks the door, and the first thing I notice is… there’s no balcony.

I stare at her.

Me: “There’s no balcony.”

Landlady: “That’s correct.”

Me: “I specifically told you I was looking for a balcony.”

Landlady: “Well, I never said there was a balcony!”

I turned around and walked out without another word. I still have no idea what the h*** she thought was going to happen.

I’m also baffled by the builder that would bother putting balconies on a building, but only for half the units.

There is one particular actor who, for whatever reason, my brain absolutely refuses to record the name of. I have seen him in at least a dozen movies, in a broad range of roles, and he’s been acting for longer than I’ve been alive. But I simply CANNOT remember his name.

Every time he comes up in conversation, I sigh, rack my brain, and finally resort to imitating a famous scene of his because I CANNOT remember his name.

I don’t think this is too unusual, until one time I start trying to describe a movie to my girlfriend.

Me: “It had this one character, who… D*** it, I can never remember his name, but—”

Girlfriend: “Jack Nicholson.”

Me: “How did you know?!”

Girlfriend: “Because every single time you say that, you always follow it up with, ‘Heeere’s JOHNNY!'”