(Though I usually get along well with my coworkers, there is one who rubs me the wrong way.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker]. Could you dump this in the machine please?”

Coworker: “Why?”

Me: “Because I hurt my shoulder and can’t pick up the bucket with one hand. If you don’t want to do it I’ll ask someone else—”

Coworker: “Well, when did you hurt it? I saw you pick up a bucket of ice yesterday.”

Me: “Three days ago, and that bucket was empty. This one is full to the top with ice. Just forget it. I’ll ask someone else.”

Coworker: “No. I’ll do it after you admit you’re just being lazy.”

(I decide to ignore her and turn to ask someone else for help when another coworker stomps up and throws the ice in the machine.)

Other Coworker: “THERE! Was that so d*** hard? Next time someone asks you for help either do what they ask or tell them no. Don’t waste everyone’s time by trying to pick a fight. Nobody cares!”

(My friend, is feeling very ill and visits a popular coffee shop to cheer herself up. She has very pale hair, to the point that her eyebrows and eyelashes are almost invisible. Her hair is tucked up into a hat.)

Friend: “Hi. I’ll just have a small hot chocolate, thanks.”

(The barista looks at my friend with pity.)

Barista: “Don’t worry, sweetheart. They’re finding a cure…”

(Occasionally, when we have a slack day, I play with telemarketers and scam artists. I pick up the phone.)

Scammer: “This is [Name] from Microsoft. We have noticed that your PC has a virus.”

Me: “I don’t have a police constable.”

Scammer: “No! No, your WINDOWS PC. It has a virus.”

Me: “I still don’t have a police constable. Certainly not one with a cold, in my window.”

Scammer: “NO! Your PC! Your Windows computer!”

Me: “But I don’t have a computer in my window.”

Scammer: “NO! The computer you are using! It runs a program called Windows! It has a virus!”

Me: “My window has a virus?”

Scammer: “NO! THE COMPUTER! It has downloaded a virus from the internet!”

Me: “Oh! I wonder how it did that.”

Scammer: “Right! We can fix that for you.”

Me: “But my computer doesn’t have any windows in it. How did it catch the virus?”

Scammer: “No, it’s the program that runs the computer. It’s called Windows!”

Me: “No, it isn’t.”

Scammer: “Yes! It’s what makes the computer work!”

Me: “No, it doesn’t!”

Scammer: “Well, what do you think makes your computer work, then?”

Me: “OS X!”

(The scammer hangs up!)

(It is the middle of mid-terms week and I am exhausted. I go to an extremely well-known coffee shop for a caffeine boost.)

Me: “Hi. May I please have…”

(I lose my train of thought mid-sentence. I put my index finger up as though to say ‘wait a minute.’)

Employee: “Are you trying to phone home?”

Me: *dazed* “What?”

Employee: “Well, I thought you were like ET… You know, communicating through your finger.”

(The employee mimics me by putting his index finger up, too.)

Me: “Oh… no. I’m just really tired and can’t focus long enough to order. Anyways I’ll have a [Popular Coffee Drink].”

(The employee makes the drink and hands it to me, then waves at me with his index finger.)

Employee: “BYE, ET!”

(After I left, I realized that he had put an extra shot of espresso in, free of charge. The employee put a smile on my face, a pep in my step, and earned that store a regular customer!)

(I receive a lot of telemarketer calls during the day.)

Telemarketer: “Hi! I’m collecting donations for [Local Police Charity].”

Me: “I’d like to help, but I really don’t have anything to spare.”

(The telemarketer starts more aggressively trying to solicit a donation.)

Me: “Look. I’m a private in the Army and—”

Telemarketer: “Oh! Then you should be happy to help out your brothers in uniform!”

Me: “Okay, look. Have you ever been kicked in the crotch?”

Telemarketer: “W…what?”

Me: “It’s a serious question. Have you?”

Telemarketer: “Yes…”

Me: “Okay. Do you remember the pain? The nausea? The humiliation?”

Telemarketer: “Yes?”

Me: “Good. Now convert those feelings into dollars and cents. That’s what I get paid every month.”

(They stopped calling.)