How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 2

(Occasionally, when we have a slack day, I play with telemarketers and scam artists. I pick up the phone.)

Scammer: “This is [Name] from Microsoft. We have noticed that your PC has a virus.”

Me: “I don’t have a police constable.”

Scammer: “No! No, your WINDOWS PC. It has a virus.”

Me: “I still don’t have a police constable. Certainly not one with a cold, in my window.”

Scammer: “NO! Your PC! Your Windows computer!”

Me: “But I don’t have a computer in my window.”

Scammer: “NO! The computer you are using! It runs a program called Windows! It has a virus!”

Me: “My window has a virus?”

Scammer: “NO! THE COMPUTER! It has downloaded a virus from the internet!”

Me: “Oh! I wonder how it did that.”

Scammer: “Right! We can fix that for you.”

Me: “But my computer doesn’t have any windows in it. How did it catch the virus?”

Scammer: “No, it’s the program that runs the computer. It’s called Windows!”

Me: “No, it isn’t.”

Scammer: “Yes! It’s what makes the computer work!”

Me: “No, it doesn’t!”

Scammer: “Well, what do you think makes your computer work, then?”

Me: “OS X!”

(The scammer hangs up!)