(I work in a large, national factory. Due to the health concerns, we’ve been unable to have our big group meetings before shift since March, so if anything major needs to be relayed to us, the supervisors come to our work areas and communicate them to us like that.

One day, my small group is gathered up together by one of the supervisors so he can tell us what’s going on.)

Supervisor: So, on one of the shifts, the plant manager saw a lot of people standing around, not doing their jobs, and he wants us to tell everyone to please not do that. How much money do you think gets paid, total, to all the workers, just at this plant, per year?

Coworker 1: One million.

Supervisor: Bigger.

Me: …ten million?

Supervisor: 179 Million dollars per year. That’s the total we pay the all the workers combined. So, we need to make sure we get our money’s worth. You guys do a great job, keep it up.

(We go back to work, and coworker 2 scoffs.)

Coworker 2: There’s no way. That’s an exaggeration.

Me: I don’t know, I don’t know why he’d lie about that number.

Coworker 2: (Pulling up the calculator on his computer screen) If I don’t do any overtime, I’d be making about 40k a year, so that’s…

Me: How many people work at the plant? And besides, you’re only [Grade] pay, and there’s people who get paid a lot more than you.

Coworker 2: Yeah, that’s true. Let’s say… average of 60k? And there’s close to 3000 who work at the plant, so…

(He does the multiplication and I burst out laughing when I see the answer. 180 million.)

Coworker 2: D***. I guess he was right.

Me: Looks like you can’t scoff at him, after all! I am so sorry that math has failed you.

Due to some random pandemic that came out of nowhere, it’s state law to wear a mask inside public buildings.
It’s laundry day for me, and because it’s so nice outside, I’m sitting in my car while the machines are doing their thing. I’m reading a book with the windows down, no mask because I’m in my car, when an elderly man walks over. He’s technically wearing a mask, but it’s pulled down under his nose. He tries handing me a faith card and says “if you want something to read, you should read this when you have time.”
I simply look at it, then him, and say “I’m sorry. I don’t believe in religion,” and go back to my book.
Out of the corner of my eye, he pauses, then leans in, as though he were going to either reach into my car or drop the card in. While still reading, I simply reach over and press the button to roll up my window. I smirk as I see him huff and walk away.

(I work at the front desk of a public library. At the time of this story, I am 19 years old. A regular who looks like he might be in his mid to late fifties approaches me.)

Me: Hello, how can I help you today?

Regular: Well, I have to make a complaint.

Me: Oh no, what happened?

Regular: *grinning smugly* You stole my heart…

(At this point I just laughed it. Later I told my coworker about it who immediately sent me to tell my boss. She was furious about it and promised to kick him out if he ever said something like that again. I have, however, not seen him since, and can’t really say I miss that creep.)

I’m the mod (manager on duty) on the mid shift. I have a phone pager in case my cashier needs any help. I’m busy putting freight up from the new truck when my phone pager goes off. So I walked to the register, “hey cashier, what’s up girlie?” She looks at me and explains the situation that the customer’s card wasn’t reading on the card reader. It was and easy fix and the customer finally paid for his items. I’m going to call this customer, customer 3. Since he was the 3rd customer in line.
Customer 3: “YOU NEED TO TELL THE STORE MANAGER YOU NEED A MANAGER UP HERE AT THE REGISTERS AT ALL TIMES!”
Me: “I am so sorry for the wait sir, we are busy putting product on shelves so you and other customers can have better access to products and easier to find….”
Customer 3: “NO! NO EXCUSES! YOU NEED A MANAGER UP HERE ALL THE TIME 24/7”
At this moment I so wanted to be a smarta$$ but my customer service face comes out.
Me: “if you like sir, I can ring you up on register 3”
Customer 3 comes to register 3 and I rung up his items and totalled him out.
Me: “okay sir, your total is $14.95”
Customer 3: “I FORGOT MY D#@$ WALLET! SET THIS ASIDE AND I WILL BE RIGHT BACK!”
Trying to hold back my laughter.
Me: “okay sir I will have this to the side for you”
When he left, my cashier and me chuckled. He did not return that day but the next day he came back in and I rang him up and he said nothing and quickly went on his way.

I enter the kitchen with our pet in my arms.

Me: (Husband,) congratulate (Cat.)

Husband: Why am I congratulating him?

Me: He just came out of the closet!

(Cat) got scritchies.